Confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Confused!
8
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 11:56am

Last Week:
Just wondering what to do about this. My boyfriend of three months has been telling me all along he really cares about me and wants to be with me. I am going to be 32, he is 30. The past couple of weeks he has been really busy with school and about to graduate (very hard degree). He has been under a lot of stress and I feel I have been very supportive, keeping to his schedule of when he is able to see me. He took his last boards on Friday and as a regular girlfriend (he asked me to be his girlfriend, it's not like I just assumed) I expected to spend some time with him during the weekend. He spent all weekend with his friends and I have felt basically ignored. I spoke to him on Saturday and he said "Let's have a late lunch on Sunday". Sunday he didn't call me until 5pm. I spoke to him on Monday and explained I wasn't feeling confortable with this whole situation and that I felt he was avoiding me. He started to talk about all the things he still has to do before he graduates, which believe me I understand, but I need him to respect my time as well. When you make plans you need to call me if there is a problem. He said he is really busy and he thought that "I understood".

I asked if he wanted to spend some time apart while he finishes with his projects and he said no. I asked him to call me last night (Thursday, this was Monday), so we could talk and hopefully spend some time together. I haven't heard a thing. My thought is, is it over? His family and friends are coming this weekend for graduation and I just feel completely left out of everything. I would have liked to meet his friends and family. I don't understand how someone can run so hot and cold at the same time. He once said to me that for him a relationship was "all-or-nothing" but I guess it's just in his terms. I want to keep up hope, but am very distraught. Should I have just put up with him ignoring me like this until he was done with everything? I just feel that one should assert herself if you feel you are being treated unfairly. This is a guy who spoke crearly about wanting to be with me and really caring. He would send me messages when we wouldn't see each other for several days that he missed me. I am so confused! Actions speak louder than words.

What do I do now? Suggestions...

This Week:
So graduation is today and I was never invited. My boyfriend never called me on Thrusday and I spoke to him last night (Sunday) and he just said he had been busy. His friends are here from out of town and he has been showing them around. I told him we needed to talk and that it would have been nice to meet his friends (they are leaving Monday) and it would have been nice to be invited to graduation. At this point I just need this to be over. He keeps saying that he needs time and he is really busy, but I have realized that I am not a girlfriend, I am perhaps a woman he is casually dating and wants no one to meet. Am I wrong to want more? Should I just be patient and undertanding? He is still not done with school, but still has tme to show his friends around! His family is here, I am not going to get to meet them either. I understand is only 3 months, but I would think that I can at least meet his friends!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: gal_ziggy10
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 12:38pm

Welcome to the board gal_ziggy10,


It sounds like the two of you have different expectations in the relationships. I think the best thing to do is sit down with him when possible and discuss all of this and what you want out of the relationship. If he is unable to provide that for you, you have decide if you are willing to wait or if you want to move on.


I, too, would have thought you could have at least met some of his friends. Maybe he has different ideas of what the relationship should be like.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
In reply to: gal_ziggy10
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 11:33pm

I definitely have different expectations about the relationship, but initially I had no expectations. I didn't even want to go out with him. He totally swep me off my feet and really pursued me. He basically said everything a girl wants to hear.

I finally spoke to him last night after trying to get a hold of him for days. I spoke to him, but it seems that he doesn't quite get it and he thinks I am blowing it all out of proportion. I am deeply hurt and he apologized, but it somehow doesn't feel like a real apology. Worse of all, I have been so upset, everyone is telling me to dump him. I am not sure what to do. He said he hadn't seen his friends is over a year and wanted to spend time with them, but I didn't even hear from him in a week! He didn't invite me to graduation becuase he only gets a certain amount of tickets, but he didn't even mention this 'till now (it's still not adding up in my book). I am having major trust issues because he was so intense in the begining, flowers, etc. and his indiference in the last two weeks has been so upsetting.

I just have this feeling that he was just trying to get me to fall for him so I would support him during the boards and now he doesn't have time for me. Even on Monday, when I asked him to call be at night around 9 or 10, he didn't call me until 2:30 am! When I argue with him that I felt totally left out and that I felt used, he tells me that he didn't mean it that way and that "that's crap". Basically he feels I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I do.

I have been trying to give him a chance. We spoke about doing something today for my birthday, but I didn't want to becuase I am afraid that I will make plans and he will cancel on me like he did during the weekend after the boards. It's so frustrating. I feel like I am dealing with a different person now. Am I giving up too quickly? I just don't feel like I can go back to how things were before like nothing has happened.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: gal_ziggy10
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 10:15am

He doesn't think he's done anything wrong. Therefore, he has no reason to change. This is who he is.

If it's not what you're looking for, move on.

Incidentally, the early stages of infatuation wear off at about the 3 month mark, and people start showing their true colors (it takes about a year or more to REALLY show ALL the true colors). That said, he's right on schedule. Are you happy with the relationship the way it is right now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: gal_ziggy10
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 11:12am

I agree with blondie, if he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong than he won't change his behavior. You have to figure out if this is the type of relationship you want to be in and it doesn't seem like it is.


You did everything you could by talking to him and trying to get him to understand how you are feeling. He just doesn't want to acknowledge your feelings or any wrongdoing on his part.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
In reply to: gal_ziggy10
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 1:15am
Well, the update is, I got ahold of him the day before my B-day. He forgot about it eventhough I had sent him an E-vite to a party the week before. He wanted to make plans for my b-day the next day, but I got this awful feeling after a week and a half of blowing me off that he would do the dame thing on my b-day and cancel on me. I also knew his parents didn't leave until the morning of my b-day so again I wasn't really going to be on his mind that day. I decided to do stuff with friends instead. I felt I could't risk him cancelling, or having another excuse. maybe I should have given him a chance, I am just too jealous about not having my day be ruined. He called me on my b-day and hung up. that's all I got on my b-day an missed call on my cell, no message. I tried calling him the next day, but have still not heard a thing. I guess he decided to blow me off for good. I should feel I dooged a bullet, but I am truly devastated because I really thought he would try a bit harder. He just doesn't see that his behavior was upsetting. I saw photos on his facebook profile with all his graduation party picture (to which I was not invited). I am not sure what to do. I feel I neede some closure. I don't understand how someone can be so cold. It's seems it's over and he can't even say it to my face.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: gal_ziggy10
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 10:52am

Since you would like him closure, call him and tell him that you would talk to him about the relationship. If you can't get a hold of him, than just leave a message. If he doesn't call back or won't agree to see, than let it go and move on.


Sorry this happened so close to your bday.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
In reply to: gal_ziggy10
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 10:36pm
Well, finally decided after one week of no call or anythign to call him and leave a breakup message sort of speak (since he never answers the phone. I wished him good luck and that I was dissapointed to realize that he wasn't the type of person I thought he was. That it was over. I figured even though it's a voice message, I wanted some closure. He will get it and that will be it. I didn't want to just wait until I ran into him (he lives right in my neighborhood) and have things be weird. At least this way I can have an end to this and feel I am free to meet someone who is worth my time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: gal_ziggy10
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 10:48am
I think leaving him the message was good, and I am glad it provided you with some closure. At the same time, I am sorry you had to go through this. It was very rude and inconsiderate on his part.

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