Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
Confused
3
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 2:46pm
I am a 46 year old divorced woman and I have been dating this wonderful guy (51 divorced 3 times) everything was going great and btw we have been only dating a month. He moved very quickly and having me meet his family and telling me how much they like me etc. We said when we first started dating that we can only date one person at a time. After 3 weeks he told me he had dinner with someone else the night before and this upset me greatly. We discussed it and decided we would still see each other and that he was only keeping his options open (dont like it but went with it). He calls me everyday (or did till 2 days ago) and we went out again 2 days ago and we had a wonderful time even though I feel off with the situation. I emailed him how I was feeling on him seeing someone else and even asked if he was seeing someone this weekend (he did). I told him that he changed the rules and I cant see us moving forward if he continues this. He emailed me back with this and I see it but I am so confused on whether to see if he comes back around or let go. I appreciate his honesty but am I only kidding myself??
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Let me first start by saying, I too enjoyed last night, I truly had a good time. You are a wonderful person.
I'm somewhat confused by your email, If I have dinner with you it is somewhat of a betrayal on my part if I have dinner with someone else. You remind me of what I said the first time we met, "I can only be in a relationship with one person", that still holds true.
At this time I don't feel I'm in a committed relationship. I'm trying to find myself and who I am and getting to know different people.
I need to do this at this time. I also told you at our first face to face that you where the first person I had met. And yes, that was about a month ago. I believe I need to at least meet different people for at least a while before I get into a committed relationship.
I don't want to hurt you in any way, but I'm not ready to make a commitment to a relationship so soon after being single again, One month is just not long enough.
To answer your question, Yes, I'm having dinner with someone tonight. I would have told you last night if you'd asked. I believe I am an honest person. The truth is we may be on different pages as far as "us" goes.
I've enjoyed our time together and getting to know you, But I don't what to continue hurting you as it appears I have.
My life is important too, I can't make an objective decision about my future with a reference point of ONE. I know this isn't what you want to hear. Maybe I need to catch up to where you are in your life but this will take time.
I afraid if we continue like this you'll continue to be hurt and I'll feel guilty for hurting you, I don't want to do either.
I think it would be best if we cool our jets for awhile and maybe revisit this/us at a latter date.
You really are a wonderful person, I just need some time
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
In reply to: azlisa60
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 3:29pm

'We said when we first started dating that we can only date one person at a time.'

But you misunderstood what he met. He needs to date a few people until he meets someone that he wants to be exclusive with. He can't decide that only after a couple of dates. It seems that you were rushing things more than he.

You don't need to analyze this. He is beling honest with you by saying; 'I'm not ready to make a commitment to a relationship so soon after being single again, One month is just not long enough.'

I don't know how anyone here can tell you he is thinking any different. Maybe you assumed that he wanted a relationship right away like you did.

Why not meet other people yourself and learn a lesson from this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
In reply to: azlisa60
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 3:42pm
I understand what you are saying and I guess I am just confused because when I date someone I dont bring family all into it (Mom,sisters etc) he did that. I guess I come from a different point of view where when I am steadily dating someone and seeing where it might go I dont date others in the interium. Idont know if we will get back together or not and right now I am just laying low. But I also have a dilema that his sister in law wants to have lunch with me this coming week and is upset we are not seeing each other since he spoke highly of me and the whole family really likes me. Thanks so much for the advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
In reply to: azlisa60
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 4:56pm

I can understand your confusion and frustration because of the uncertainty and in fact his belief he had been honest with you........he had, except that his actions caused you angst.

What is this business of introducing you to his family after a few days???? Perhaps he doesn't trust himself nor sure of what he wants in a woman....

He's been married 3 times before? Any wonder he has to keep 'shopping'... In fairness he did mention he may see others.

His sister-in-law has asked you to lunch? I would think this is not a good idea. As you don't know him and nor what the family are about, it may just ruin any chance for a future with this man.

Do yourself a favour and run while you still may.......let things rest with this man, and should he contact you again take things veryyyyyyyyyyy slowly.

While every new meeting is different several weeks is usually insufficient time to date someone exclusively.

Wish you well.

Dagny