confused about BF after miscarriage
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confused about BF after miscarriage
| Tue, 09-14-2004 - 12:35am |
Okay, I'm going to try to make this short.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 10 months now. I'm 29 he's 24. We're both in school trying to get our 4 year degree except I'm 16 units away from it and my boyfriend is about 60 units away from getting his.
Three weeks ago i found out i was pregnant. We had already talked about this and I had striaght out told him that if i ever got pregnant I wouldn't have an abortion. He didn't say much but for some reason i thought he would be okay with it if it happened. The sad thing is that when he found out i was pregnant he fliped out and acted like a different person, said hurtful things and basically had me choose between the baby and him...Of course i chose the baby.
After he realized that he wouldn't convinced me to have an abortion he came around and told me that he would be there for his child but that his feeling for me had changed because he still had some ill feelings at the fact that I wouldn't go through with the abortion.
Two Sundays ago i had a miscarriage. I was devestated because even though i had been through a lot i really wanted the baby.I have started counseling and my boyfriend offered to go with me. He says he's sorry for the way he behaved. He's been supportive ever since the miscarriage which is something i appreciate. The bad things is that he has been acting like everything is back to normal...when in reality I'm still hurt( he knows this and understands it) Today, during our therapy session the couselor asked him if he loved me; He paused for a few seconds and said yes. However, when the therapist asked him what his intentions were in our relationship he said that he wasn't planning the future, that for now he sees us on a day to day basis.That he enjoys us being together but he doesn't want to plan for a year or two a head because for now he's priority is school. My question here is....Should i stick around and wait to see what happens...or should i move on with my life. I love him and somehow, even though he acted like a jerk when i told him i was pregnant i still want to be with him....is this wrong? Am i pressuring him too much?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 10 months now. I'm 29 he's 24. We're both in school trying to get our 4 year degree except I'm 16 units away from it and my boyfriend is about 60 units away from getting his.
Three weeks ago i found out i was pregnant. We had already talked about this and I had striaght out told him that if i ever got pregnant I wouldn't have an abortion. He didn't say much but for some reason i thought he would be okay with it if it happened. The sad thing is that when he found out i was pregnant he fliped out and acted like a different person, said hurtful things and basically had me choose between the baby and him...Of course i chose the baby.
After he realized that he wouldn't convinced me to have an abortion he came around and told me that he would be there for his child but that his feeling for me had changed because he still had some ill feelings at the fact that I wouldn't go through with the abortion.
Two Sundays ago i had a miscarriage. I was devestated because even though i had been through a lot i really wanted the baby.I have started counseling and my boyfriend offered to go with me. He says he's sorry for the way he behaved. He's been supportive ever since the miscarriage which is something i appreciate. The bad things is that he has been acting like everything is back to normal...when in reality I'm still hurt( he knows this and understands it) Today, during our therapy session the couselor asked him if he loved me; He paused for a few seconds and said yes. However, when the therapist asked him what his intentions were in our relationship he said that he wasn't planning the future, that for now he sees us on a day to day basis.That he enjoys us being together but he doesn't want to plan for a year or two a head because for now he's priority is school. My question here is....Should i stick around and wait to see what happens...or should i move on with my life. I love him and somehow, even though he acted like a jerk when i told him i was pregnant i still want to be with him....is this wrong? Am i pressuring him too much?

I dont think
He is probably thinking he is the luckiest guy alive to have dodged the "silver bullet" of death. 21 years of child support.
You brought reality into your relationship by becoming pregnant. Maybe he thought you were on the pill and safe.....but you made it clear that "if you became pregnant", you would not have an abortion and he would be stuck supporting a child for 20 years.
This is not a decision to take lightly and he now realizes he was never ready for this. He thanks his lucky stars for the miscarriage though YOU are still mourning about the miscarriage he cannot relate with you on this since he is so HAPPY it happened.
If I were you, I would not push him in any way. Maybe he does not trust you to take birth control if this was a "birth control forgetting the pill" accident that led to the pregnancy. If you have sex in the future, make sure he wears a condom.
Maybe you must restore his trust in you. And get on the same page regarding "if children are concieved, what will WE do". Because whenever you have sex there is a risk of pregnancy both of you must be agreed on what will happen if a baby is concieved.
But I can tell you if you two use two or three forms of birth control at once including condoms, you will not get pregnant. So please double up on the birth control.
If, by chance, you secretly wanted a baby, and "made it happen" by messing with birth conrol, then he will sense this and will not trust you as a person. Therefore he will not be able to LOVE you. You cannot love who you cannot trust. So, this could be an issue. If you were not using any birth control at all, he will now see how you two have been irresponsible and how reality nearly bites him hard if not for the miscarriage.
Try and bring some of these things up:
1. The birth control issue and/or failure of the birth control...
2. The abortion issue
3. What happens if a baby is concieved, what is the plan, what will we do.
4. Marriage and family timelines.
5. Birth control in the future, who will be responsible for it, both?
6. Trust between you two.
If you are able to hash out these issues, and come to some good conclusions and set some mutual goals, you maybe can save this relationship. Otherwise, it will be "toast".
It sounds like you made it clear that if you ever got pregnant, the abortion method wasn't going to be a consideration. I know that it's his baby too, and that you should plan on what to do together, but in my opinion the plan can only consist of 1. lets raise it together 2. have him help raise it but not be together 3. adoption or 4. he can have no contact with you or the baby. I DON'T think the plan CAN consist of abortion. It's one thing to mutually decide on it, and it's another to have him say to do it. In the end only YOU can make that desicion because it is LIVING in YOU not him.
Okay, so on to what he said to you. "told me that he would be there for his child but that his feeling for me had changed because he still had some ill feelings at the fact that I wouldn't go through with the abortion." Oh, poor guy, he has ILL feeling's towards you because you wouldn't murder your baby? I'm sorry, but does that sound right to you at all? I think he should RESPECT you for wanting to do the right thing. It makes ME ILL when he considers saving a life disgusting. Think about it, he's basically saying "I don't love you anymore because you wouldn't murder an innocent baby that we created together." There is nothing right about that. You are hurting right now, and he is going through "oops I said some stupid stuff and now the baby is out of the picture." Not the same thing, by any means. You deserve someone who will respect your decision and when you don't want an abortion they will see what a loving and caring person you are.
I'm not saying anyone who has an abortion is horrible! Please don't think I am...my sister had one...I'm not judging anyone here. However, I'm just saying, the fact that she DIDN'T want one and he fell "out of love" with her for it is obserd.
He has no answers for you or the shrink. He's not the answer for you. I'm truely sorry for your loss, I hope you find a man that will be there for you and respect you.
Lindsay
But here is what a man "who is not ready to be a father" is facing if his woman becomes unexpectedly pregnant:
1. He has no choice in the matter, often she said she "was on the pill".
2. He for sure has to pay 18-21 years of child support.
3. He has to decide if he wants to marry the woman or just pay child support.
4. He has to decide if he wants partial custody or not
5. Sometimes he has to figure out if it is even HIS kid.
6. His life is changed forever. And he had and has no choice at all in this.
7. He may wish he had been smart enough to use the only birth control made for men, condoms. Now he is stuck for the rest of his life.
The woman usually has the main job of raising the child. But the man has to fork out his income for 20 years. And usually be involved with that woman and child for 20 years. It is a real shocker.
I believe her boyfriend is in shock and feels like he dodged a bullet here. And if he believes in abortion and she does not believe in it, they might consider breaking up.
But no man, with this sprung on him, becomes an instantly happy father figure. Especially if he never wanted a baby to begin with. Insulting her boyfriend is not good because he is probabaly still in shock over the whole thing. By her having the miscarriage, as sad as it was he just avoided maybe 100K in child support payments over the kid's lifetime.
Here, her boyfriend has not even finished college yet and he is looking at 100K in child support payments over 20 years. Or if he married her, a child costs around 200K to raise to age 17 according to the latest USDA report.
What man who did not want to have a baby would be happy with this?
Edited 9/14/2004 7:25 pm ET ET by issuesongoing
They should have agreed on that issue way before they started having sex. He should have been clear, very clear that he did not want a baby and if she got pregnant, he expected her to abort it. I have a tubal ligation but before me and my husband had sex, we talked about if my tubal failed and I got pregnant I would be getting an abortion. It is not for every woman but would have been my decision.
I am still against abortions even though I would have gotten one myself if I had accidently gotten pregnant! So ironic...
The fact he is going to counseling with her shows he cares for her, most men won't go to counseling....but the whole thing is sad.