Confused About Future

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Confused About Future
5
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 12:35pm
My boyfriend and I just celebrated our 8th anniversary and we have a good relationship, however slow it's been moving. Despite all of talks about marriage, kids, houses , ring browsing and the future, we're not engaged or living together.

What recently stumped me was a family trip over the 4th of July weekend. I vacationed with his whole family. Now with my family, they constantly ask about him (if he's not here), and want to know when are we getting married/having kids, etc. The entire time I was with his family (5 days) it was never mentioned. In fact, no one really inquired about me at all. Including his mother, who barely conversates with me at all. When I brought up how he and I got together, she quickly changed the subject. She's been this way at every occasion I'm invited to. I get a quick hello and then she moves in. I'd think a mother whose as close with her son as my boyfriend would want to get to know his girlfriend of 8 years.

It was the first time I felt like, his family does not see us as a serious relationship and maybe that's why he's moving so slow. Or maybe I'm making too much out of this. I just know not to expect an engagement any time soon.

Any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 1:27pm
Our neighbors had this problem (K and H). They were together for 7-8 yrs before getting married. His (H's) mother kept trying to set him other with other women. K was always hurt by her bfs mother's actions. H mostly ignored his mom. When they announced their engagement, H's mom said, 'well, seems he only wants you.'

Of course now that they are married, they rave about K. But it was a long, hard road.

You don't say how old both of you are, but it does seem odd that she doesn't want to get to know you and that the relationship isn't moving forward.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 1:47pm
"You don't say how old both of you are, but it does seem odd that she doesn't want to get to know you and that the relationship isn't moving forward"

He's 28, soon to be 29 and I'm 26. I know he's told her all about me, so she does know of me, but I'd think she'd want to get to know me first hand. We've barely had a conversation. It didn't even get to hang out with her until years after first dating. I don't know. I'm starting to think after being together this long, anything can feel like an issue.




iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 2:43pm
Some people are odd. You may have to make the first move. Invite her to lunch to 'get to know her.' Maybe she's thinking, my son dates this woman, she doesn't seem interested in getting to know me.'


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 12:16am
I don't know the answer here, but my feeling is you might want to investigate the relationship between this guy and his mom more closely. Does she make her opinions known to him regarding other things, is she outspoken on other topics, does she tell him what to do, or influence him too much?

My guess is there is a direct correlation between the mom's behavior and the son's apparent fear of committment. Eight years is a long time...

However, some families just mind their own business. I dated a guy for two years, and though his family were very friendly and kind to me, they never mentioned marriage / engagement (at least not to me, anyway).

Also, in my first marriage, my mother-in-law treated my ex as a puppet... telling him what to do, how to do it, and how to think about things. Her hold on him was much worse than I thought...which I found out after leaving the marriage.

Good luck to you - OH!, and before I forget, if you want to be married, and it's bothering you that he's not proposed, maybe it's time for you to ask him honestly if the relationship is going to be moving forward soon. No reason why you shouldn't be honest and tell him how you feel.... :)

Elmira

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 8:49am
"Does she make her opinions known to him regarding other things, is she outspoken on other topics, does she tell him what to do, or influence him too much?"

She has made him who he is. I believe she is the biggest influence on him as whatever she says, he almost lives by. I think you're right about her influences being a direct correlation on him. She is a 52 year old women, who has never married, and has also been dating the same guy for some 10 years without any plans to marry.

I think I will have to take the iniative and maybe invite her to dinner one day and start the process.