confused about future with boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
confused about future with boyfriend
7
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 2:20pm
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, I am 24, he is 23. We have lived together for about a year now. He was in the military, just got out, now he is working, and starting school. I wanted to know if he thought there was a future for us together, and he says he wants there to be, but doesn't know for sure. We are both not ready for marriage. He is a marriage-phob. I just don't want to waste my time for someone that will never marry me. We have discussed the fact that if one person doesn't think that there will be a future, then the relationship is over. So he tells me that he possibly wants a future with me (marriage) but is not sure, but is definately not a no. More like, lets see how the next couple years go, because he is not thinking about marriage right now.

I got all upset one night, and cried, because I told him I thought that he would never marry me, and he said no, thats not true. But that he couldn't say yes as of now.

But now I found out, that he just starting talking to his ex-girlfriend again, and he told her that he could never marry me.

I don't get it! He tells me maybe, but he tells her no. And everytime I ask him, he says that he loves me, loves our relationship as it is, but can't give me anything more at this time. I don't know what to do. I am fine with him saying that he doesn't want to get married now, but at least there is a possibility for a future, but why is he telling his ex that there is no future for us. We live together, and plan on moving to another part of the city in the summer, we have plans for way in the future. Is he using me, because it is nice to live with me?


Edited 3/1/2004 3:29:47 PM ET by caligirlsam
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 4:41pm
Has he always talked to his ex? How do you know he told her those things? Did she tell you? You should confront him about what he told her, but proceed with caution, because she could be trying to sabatoge the relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 5:55pm
This is an ex of 3 years ago, that he dated for like 6 months. They have kept in touch on and off over the years, but recently starting talking again online, and we have a shared computer, so everything we write is saved.

I did confront him and ask him why he says he doesn't think he could marry me. He says that it is not me, that he is not thinking about marriage at all at this time of his life. Whoever he was with, he would not want to marry them. He can't give me an answer yes or no, on that, he just wants to see how things go. We planned on moving to another apartment together, so I asked him if he saw himself being with me for the next year and a half, and he said yes. so I don't know, he wants to be with me right now, and for a couple years, but he isn't thinking about marriage, can't say that he might marry me. I guess I sucum to the pressures of society, and think that if I don't get engaged by age 25, I will never find someone. I love my boyfriend very much, and want to be with him in the future. I am scared of getting hurt down the road, when 5 years passes, we are still living together, and he still doesn't want to get married. He even said that he doesn't want to hold me back, if I really want to be with someone who wants to settle down. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but not if I am going to be miserable not knowing the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 6:08pm
I really have nothing to say that can help you but I just have to comment that this is why I won't ever just live with my boyfriend.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 7:15pm
I agree. If you are unclear about the future, then don't move in together until you can get the commitment you want. He is being honest with you about his feelings. It's up to you to decide what you want to do with that. If you really want to be married, then you will have to end it and find someone who is ready. If you are willing to take a chance, then by all means stay with him, but don't live together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 8:10pm
uh, we have already been living together for a year, so maybe that is the problem anyways. We love living together, but we didn't move in together to see if we wanted to get married, that has never been the issue. Now I think that I have been living with him, I expect more, because it almost feels like we are married, and I don't like that.

We thought it would be great to be together all the time, and save money. (dumb reason, yeah I know) But can you go back in a relationship? Can he move into his own apartment, and us still date and be exclusive. I am thinking that living together with no intentions of getting married, may be ruining what might have been a relationship with potential. Athough some aspects of living together I don't regret, because I got to really know him, we know each other so well, and we like being with each other all the time, I think I might want more someday, and he might not. And now there are all the statistics that our marriage would fail anyways, because we lived togther. I don't know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 8:58am
I think you have just hit the nail on the head. Living together is not necessarily a smart move in a relationship...for so many reasons. I've done it myself, twice, and both times turned out to be a disaster. I have a boyfriend now, and we are very serious about eachother and he wants us to 'move-in together' this fall. I told him that I would love a future with him but there needs to be a wedding in the works before I do this. I do have kids now to consider as well, but even if they weren't an issue I'd still elect to do it this way. And we are now talking about getting married.

Why would your boyfriend want to marry you when he has such a choice living situation with you already? What difference is marriage going to make? You already live together, sleep together, and know eachother as though you are a married couple. Now, if you lived seperately and held out, he might realize that marriage is the way to acheive that level with you. I think int's entirely possible to move seperately from eachother now and go from there. Yes, it involves a bit of back peddling but I feel it would be a smart move on your part.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 7:04pm
I agree. While living together is a great way to test compatability, if you live with a marriage-phobic guy, what is his incentive to want to marry you?