Confused about what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2007
Confused about what to do
14
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 1:09am

Hello everyone. I have a question. I am 33 and my bfriend is 26. We have been together for 4 years and love each other deeply. I am starting to run into a problem however. I am thinking of having a child within the next year or two. He keeps saying he is not sure about it since he is unsure about us "going to the next step." He understands my time clock is ticking. I suggested I would go for artifical insemination if he was not ready. His response to that was he would be uncomfortable with the idea since the child is not biologically his. What would you suggest? Thanks.


Purplekush

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 1:36am

Welcome to the board purplekush,


This is the most unresolvable incompatibility issue that a couple can face and there's no way it can work out if one of you wants what the other isn't ready for, especially if you feel time is running out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 8:41am

I agree with itwinflame. If he doesn't know if he wants children yet and you're looking at next year to start procreating, it's not going to work. You've been together four years and he's not sure about taking the next step with you... 26 is young for a man, and to ask him to think about starting a family, but by now, if he really wanted to get married to you he would know it. The age difference doesn't help you either, as I'm sure you're well aware that women mature exponentially faster than men do. He started dating you when he was 22 and still a kid... he's really spent all of his adult life with one person. That can be a tough reality to face. Sometimes I wish women would stop looking at 35 as the magic "now or never" number because there simply isn't one. But I understand that you're looking to really start your life as a mom and you want this guy to come with you.

If you really want things to work with him, then I think you need to demand a timeline, first for marriage, then for kids. Decide on it together and don't make him conform to your rules, but be open to compromise. Try to be flexible.

If you two can't come to an agreement soon then I don't think this is the relationship for you, and I'd hate to see you waste your time and fertility with someone who is still waffling over whether or not he wants you in his future at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 9:11am

Artificial insemination is NOT the way to go - that should be a last ditch attempt when you are in your late 30s and SURE that motherhood is SO important that you don't mind being a single mother.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2007
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 9:53am
Hi and thanks for the reply. I agree with you. He has even asked me about a timeline which is ironic that you stated that. I have had a few people tell me I need to move on but it is sooo hard. Especially since he is my best friend. I do not want to risk my chance of having a family though for anyone. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2007
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 9:59am
Coolas, i could not agree with you more. My boyfriend has asked me lately if i felt like i wanted to find a man who wants what i want. He keeps saying he is not sure about our future but he does not want to hold me back from my dreams. I know insemination is a last ditch but i was just weighing my options. If we do not make it, there is a question of what should i do then since i am already 33. I know and undestand motherhood is hard by yourself and that is not what i want to happen. It's just a matter of if we do not stay together and goig through the whole courtship process again, how long will i have before it gets too late? That is a big question for me. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 10:42am

I think that the fact that your boyfriend is asking you those kinds of questions is all you need to know about where you stand with him regarding having a family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 11:06am

As coolas says it is really heartbreaking and I am sitting here, not knowing you in real life, and feeling really sorry for you :(

It's not a question for you... Weighing having a family against being with this one guy has an obvious answer for you. Again, as coolas said, it sounds as though he's asking if the person he is, and what he wants right now, is enough for you. And you know it isn't.

It's so difficult to give up a person we've had a wonderful life with, but it's harder - and more life-altering - to have to give up our personal dreams. Even though the decision is easy, the implementation is really difficult. I don't envy you at all. But I also know that you have a man in your future who is all you want and more, who will be as happy as you are to share the future you want for yourself.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 12:53pm

First of all, become clear about what is important to you in life. You are 33 and so it is very understandable that you would want to have a child at this time. If it is important to you to be a mother, then realize that your "boyfriend" may simply be only that, a boy-friend. He may not be someone who can become the father of your child, or your life long partner. It is understandable that he may not feel ready at this time, but this "is" the time for you to move forward as a mother.


Sometimes we can love someone very much, but cannot be with them for the long run due to differences in age, rhythms, timing, and other factors. If it is really important to you to be a mother, then it doesn't matter how he feels about your choices in this respect. If he is not willing to be the father, you have the right to make any choices you wish. If he doesn't like them, then that is something he'll have to deal with. It may be that your relationship may not withstand this conflict. It may be that you may have to find another person to partner with you to raise your family. Look and see what the alternative is. Do you want simply want to stay in a relationship with this boyfriend and remain childless? Even when several years pass, he may not yet be ready for a family, and you will be older.


So, the main point is to become really clear about your priorities in life, in general. There are many people you can love. And, beyond that, love really often means stretching ourselves for the other person. . .giving them something that is deeply important to them, althugh it may cause some difficulties for us.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2007
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 6:12pm
It's funny because i some ways he is what i want but i cannot explain enough how CRAZY it drives me for him to have sooo many uncertainties. I understand that he is 26 and that women do mature much faster. I guess it is just a question of do i wait?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2007
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 6:18pm
I must say you have hit the mark right on target. Love is about compromise and stretching yourself.

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