Confused and down

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2008
Confused and down
6
Sat, 07-19-2008 - 7:11pm

My BF and I have been together for 4.5 years. We are polar opposites, which is what proably initially brought us together. I am loud, vocal, opinonated, outgoing, emotional. BF is shy, introverted, quiet, reserved, and totally unemotional. Almost like a flatline all the time about everything. He never gets excited, never feels extreme passion or joy-its really sad. He even knows it's odd and has seeked therapy in the past.


Initially his lack of outgoing ways appealed to me, I had dated men that HAD to be center stage and it made me crazy. The drunk guys at the party, the loudmouth etc. BF is happy to never ever been seen, or heard at parties. Ibn fact avoids attention.


Anyway, I am getting sad, bored and annoyed. I feel intense passion for music, movies, pets, friends-and yes my BF. The problem is that I feel like I am doing it all.....I plan all dinners, events, conerts, vacations etc. If I didn't we would not be doing much of anything. I enjoy planning; it gives me something to look forward to. However; it dosn't mean that I have to be the one to INITIATE the events. If he were to come to me and say, "hey let's go away next month I was thinking of blah blah." I would be stunned. I have tried to step back and let him do things-only two have weeks turn into months with nothing. I realized then that if I wanted any fun here I would have to be the one to make it.


Worse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Sat, 07-19-2008 - 8:52pm

I love my BF so much, he's the sweetest guy...but it dosn't mean that he's the best match for me.


Why do you love this guy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Sat, 07-19-2008 - 9:17pm

I think you answered your own question...you may not be a good match.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2008
Sat, 07-19-2008 - 9:40pm

So true-most folks that are telling you that (they like your looks etc)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 07-19-2008 - 11:18pm

Welcome to the board bubbins78,


::I love my BF so much, he's the sweetest guy...but it dosn't mean that he's the best match for me.


Very true.


Reading material to consider:


Are You The One For Me? Barbara DeAngelis


Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw


Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 07-20-2008 - 12:37am

You're right. He's not the best match. You haven't yet found a man who can balance with you. You get one extreme or the other when you've chosen men, but no one who has really been the person who makes you feel as though he brings out the best in you and encourages you to be you.

"Somthign brought us together and held us here for 4+ years"
Sometimes time alone does that. Because you made a time investment in him does not mean you are right together. I have a 4 year relationship under my belt that hurt to leave because we were in love, but it was the right thing to do and I'm in a better place with someone I relate to.

"we owe it to each other to have it all out in the open and try harder. "
That would require one or both of you giving up who you are or giving up what you want.

You have a lot of good things to say about this man. But after 4.5 years you know him well enough to want him in your life forever, and if you're not sure of that, it means you probably don't. Maybe you will have an epiphany that tells you this is the right man for you and you will know it in your heart. I hope you do, if he's good to you and you love him. But right now you need to consciously think of whether or not this man, who he is without changing, and of course his son, are the right fit for you now and years to come. I don't envy you the decision. I'm sure hearing dissenting arguments about him will actually strengthen your resolve to be with him, because thinking of life without him becomes much more real and scary.

I don't know about this one. Opposites attract initially, for sure, but rarely do they stay together. Let us know how the talk goes, I'm not sure what it can really accomplish but know that we are rooting for you and wish you good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Sun, 07-20-2008 - 9:24pm
It's great that you love this guy so much and that you have begun therapy.