Confused and heart broken...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Confused and heart broken...
7
Sun, 02-03-2013 - 9:59am

So I broke up with my ex of 9 months.

Long story short: I felt that he was emotionally disconnected. He barely pursued me:  we saw each other probably once a week if I was lucky, he was okay with talking on the phone with me three times, maybe four times a week (at most). And yes, I do find myself asking how it lasted for as long as it did. He continuously told me about his ex whom broke his heart and how it is hard for him now to trust or fall back again. Yet, he would contradict himself by telling me that he loves me, that he wanted babies with me, etc... According to him, the reason why he was unable to give me 100% was because I was confused about my future.

In the very beginning of the relationship (our first date), I had told him that I am not sure if I ever want to get married or have kids and that I will most likely be moving out of state next year. Therefore, throughout the following 8 months he always reminded me of this. I assured him that he made me feel different and that only the future will tell, in the meantime I was falling in love with him and I loved being with him. I reassured him time and time again that my feelings had changed and if I find a good job in the current state I will stay here.

Well, the point is that 9 months later, I simply couldn't take it anymore. He continued to be distant. I broke up with him for the last time. The first few days after the breakup, he didn’t call, so I called him a few days later telling him that I missed him. He replied that he has been better able to focus on himself, since the breakup and will most likely remain single for a while. My only response to that was why didn't he just break up with me in the first place, months ago rather than drag me along. According to him, he enjoyed my company and was selfish, since he did not want to let me go. So, after that conversation I did not call again, yet he started calling me. He began sending me messages that he misses me, etc....

For the most part, I ignored it. It has been 2 months since the breakup. And I recently found out that he has changed his number. I feel like my heart is breaking into pieces. I can barely sleep. I have some of his clothes still, and was thinking that maybe today I will drop it off at his apartment door with a card saying that I miss him.

I know this is crazy, but I feel so down, I can't help it!!!

Should I do it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 02-13-2013 - 10:39pm

Thank you all soo much for your great replies and comments... I agree with every single post. I was very confused throughout the relationship.

I just sucks, because I don't remember ever feeling this way about any ex. I trully need to evaluate why it is that I seek out men that are more of a challenge to me. Seems a bit immature to me, so with that said, I am obviously not ready to date.

BTW we were friends before becoming intimate and I did not have sex with him until months after us dating.

Anyways, I did end up not only dropping off the clothes, but knocking on his door. I know its a bit out there. He seemed surprised, yet happy to see me ironically. He kept  hugging me and telling me how much he missed me. According to him, he hasnt given his number out to many, even showed me his facebook messages to show all the people that have been asking for his number. He said he really cares for me, but because of his last relationships he learned not  to chase after a woman. He learned that after a breakup he needs to just move on because he has become very depressed over them and therefore he has become somewhat cold... I guess our face to face talk simply reinforced that I can't change this guys heart. He is completely broken and the work he needs is beyond me.

Either way, I do feel more clear minded. I am starting to work on me, taking yoga, goingthe gym, going out more and thinking about my future move.

Breaking up is definetely hard, but I learned to be very careful who I give my heart to...

Thanks all!!!

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 02-04-2013 - 7:09am

githela wrote:
<p><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif'; color:#111111; font-size:9pt">So I broke up with my ex of 9 months. </span></p><p><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif'; color:#111111; font-size:9pt">Long story short: I felt that he was emotionally disconnected. He barely pursued me: <span> </span>we saw each other probably once a week if I was lucky, he was okay with talking on the phone with me three times, maybe four times a week (at most). And yes, I do find myself asking how it lasted for as long as it did. He continuously told me about his ex whom broke his heart and how it is hard for him now to trust or fall back again. Yet, he would contradict himself by telling me that he loves me, that he wanted babies with me, etc... According to him, the reason why he was unable to give me 100% was because I was confused about my future. </span></p><p><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif'; color:#111111; font-size:9pt">In the very beginning of the relationship (our first date), I had told him that I am not sure if I ever want to get married or have kids and that I will most likely be moving out of state next year. Therefore, throughout the following 8 months he always reminded me of this. I assured him that he made me feel different and that only the future will tell, in the meantime I was falling in love with him and I loved being with him. I reassured him time and time again that my feelings had changed and if I find a good job in the current state I will stay here. </span></p><p><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif'; color:#111111; font-size:9pt">Well, the point is that 9 months later, I simply couldn't take it anymore. He continued to be distant. I broke up with him for the last time. The first few days after the breakup, he didn’t call, so I called him a few days later telling him that I missed him. He replied that he has been better able to focus on himself, since the breakup and will most likely remain single for a while. My only response to that was why didn't he just break up with me in the first place, months ago rather than drag me along. According to him, he enjoyed my company and was selfish, since he did not want to let me go. So, after that conversation I did not call again, yet he started calling me. He began sending me messages that he misses me, etc....</span></p><p><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif'; color:#111111; font-size:9pt">For the most part, I ignored it. It has been 2 months since the breakup. And I recently found out that he has changed his number. I feel like my heart is breaking into pieces. I can barely sleep. I have some of his clothes still, and was thinking that maybe today I will drop it off at his apartment door with a card saying that I miss him. </span></p><p><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif'; color:#111111; font-size:9pt">I know this is crazy, but I feel so down, I can't help it!!!</span></p><p><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif'; color:#111111; font-size:9pt">Should I do it?</span></p>

Drop the belongings off, but don't leave a card. What is the point? He already knows you miss him... and he doesn't really care.  If he cared, then he would have given you his new number.

It doesn't seem like you two had much to work with with one another.  It's better to be alone than to be with someone who treats you as an afterthought.

Get back on that plan to move out of state and leave him behind.  If he feels you are worth pursuing, he will pursue you and make it obvious that he is.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sun, 02-03-2013 - 5:24pm

"In the very beginning of the relationship (our first date), I had told him that I am not sure if I ever want to get married or have kids and that I will most likely be moving out of state next year."

So, you set the table on the first date for him to believe this would be a casual relationship not serious. Then, you turn the table (on him and yourself) by starting to expect him to behave like someone interested in commitment because you started having feelings for him. 

Then, you break up with him for good, and now your pining away for him and trying to create a legtimate reason to go see him. 

So what is it you really want?

Your post is filled with contradictions: you had a plan, you didn't. You didnt want commitment, you do. He had an ex, you didn't like that. (I assume you knew that when you started seeing him?)

Do yourself a huge favor: NEVER hang your entire self-image/confidence/esteem entirely on someone else's acceptance or approval. Go make your own life. When you get busy and do that you'll more than likely meet someone who is doing the same. So instead of two "halves" getting together there will be "two wholes."

By the way, age and time are great healers. You need to mature as an individual before you can identify what you want and need in a life partner. And, choose wisely: your choice of spouse can make you or break you. 

P.S. Stay away from men who are still talking about or talking to their ex...they aren't ready for a relationship and you don't want to be their mama.

Good luck. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 02-03-2013 - 4:33pm

What I zeroed in on was him saying he just didn't want to let you go.  That's not the same as saying I want to be with you or marry you or have a future with you, it's a totally different message.  That's a guy sitting on the fence who has a back-up plan, and the back-up plan appears to be you.  I do not hear a solid base for a relationship, I hear a mixed-up mess.  He doesn't appear to know what he wants, and you sound very confused, too.  Ask yourself what you are getting from this scenario.  If the guy actually changed his number but didn't let you know that, to me that's a sign there isn't much to work with.  When we change our number, we make sure the people who are important to us have that new number - I think this is a big deal.  Don't you think you deserve better than this? 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2002
Sun, 02-03-2013 - 2:34pm

Take heart ~ you will meet the right guy someday.  But the fact this guy has changed his number without thinking of giving the new number to you is the sign you needed.  Married many years now, all I know is the guy has got to pursue you if there's a lasting future.  And even then, marriage has its own problems. Tongue Out

Next time you meet a guy you like (and you WILL), don't tell him so much on the first (or second or third) outings.  Don't say you don't want marriage, kids or to remain in your home state.  You don't know what the future will bring!  In the beginning, guys want to think we are happy-go-lucky and fun.  We are!  But I waited until later, after the guys were clearly devoted to me, to bring up serious stuff.  Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 02-03-2013 - 1:28pm

No don't do it.  You're lonely--that's natural, so the thing that happens  is you tell yourself that your old relationship wasn't that bad.  But re-read what you wrote--he hardly wanted to be with you.  Normally if youhave been dating for 9 months & you live reasonably close together you'd be seeing each other at least a few times a week and feel that you have a connection.  Instead of falling back on the past, what you need to do is feel the loneliness and sadness but recognize that it won't last forever and that you will get over it.  Meanwhile try to do other things to keep your mind off him, like hang out w/ your friends and family, take up a new hobby, etc. and then hopefully you'll meet someone else that you are better suited to.

Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Sun, 02-03-2013 - 11:41am

No, you should not, and you know you should not. This guy basically told you he kept you around as a back up plan while he worked through his issues and probably hoped he would find something better. He didn't meet your needs, buy you decided to fall in love with him, you broke with him and then decided to tell him you missed him. What would be a much better use of your time would be to figure out why you would want to be in such an unfulfilling relationship and what you can do to change that before you get involved with anyone else.

Good Luck!

Tobermory