Confused and in need of help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Confused and in need of help
3
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 9:16pm
I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now and I'm not sure he is the "one". I know he knows that I'm the one for me b/c he has told me this and he tells me that he will never find anyone else out there for him. We go to college together and we've lived together with a few friends for about 9 months and now i'm not sure if he's the one I want to be with. He has so many qualities about him that I don't like and I always imagined the person I would be with for life as having certain qualities and I'm even best friends with a few guys who have what I'm looking for but my boyfriend is set in his ways and doesn't want to change. He cares for only him and thats the main person in his life but yet when we broke up for 2 months this past october b/c i wasn't happy he almost got violent with me and blamed me for everything and that I was being selfish. But how am I supposed to be in a relationship if I'm not happy and I can't even see myself having sex with him yet. We do get intimate but not to that point and I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to and it scares me that I won't have the guts to talk to him about it and then I'll wind up marrying someone I wasn't meant to be with. I try to talk to him about these things but everytime we start talking about it he gets a defensive attitude and automatically wants to know who else I like or what he did wrong and what he can fix but he never does fix anything and he never opens up to me and he never tells me how he feels about me and I seriously think that if it wasn't for my friends pushing me to go out with him I probably wouldn't be with him today and if i do go to break it off ... it will be so hard on him and everyone else in my life b/c our friends and family like us both and i know if i break up with him b/c i'm not happy and i don't think he's the one then they will make me out to be the bad person and i can't take that right now b/c it would hurt too much and i have no wheres to go to escape the pain.... What do I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 2:21pm
Part of growing up and having good emotional and mental health (read that self-esteem) means that you will get to the point when your feelings mean more to you than those of someone else. Being willing to be seen as the 'bad guy' is part of that.

Since you don't sound strong enough to get their on your own, please consider the free counseling available at the college you attend.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 2:51pm

It sounds like you have a ton of questions in your head, and too many other people's concerns contradicting your own thoughts. A lot of your questions are very typical for what we go through in relationships during our 20s. It is a time to figure out all those questions on what we need, what we desire, who we want to spend our time with, where we want to live, friends, family, career, education...all that. It is a growing time to figure that out.


You see, the thing is different about what you are saying is that other people's influence/opinions are swaying your decisions. You aren't able to navigate through decision making processes, because you are allowing your boyfriend, your family, your FRIENDS to say who you are going out with? When is it your turn to have a choice? When do you start thinking for you?


In my opinion, the best thing to do here is break away from him. Find yourself. It is going to be hard, you live with this guy, but do what you need to do. Nothing you said in your post says that you are happy in this relationship, and that you see a future with him. Why sacrifice your happiness, your future because your friends said so?


Look into yourself, find out who you are. If you need guidance in doing this, there are some great resources on a board that has similar issues to yours. It is called Relationships in Your 20s. A lot of members are going through the same thing, but mostly, there are other folders on the board that are a great resource for centerig yourself, calming yourself. But start doing things for you, not everyone else.


Here is the link.


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlgogirl?redirCnt=1


 

-amy-    "CL-fiesty"

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 10:00pm
You should not be with someone you don't adore.

You should not stay with anyone who even comes close to getting violently angry.

You should not associate with friends or family who want you to be with someone who is not good for you.

You should do what is necessary to create a happy life for yourself even if it is painful for a little while.