Confused and not sure what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2012
Confused and not sure what to do
15
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 12:05pm

Hi I am very confused in my relationship right now and I don't know what to do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 12:21pm

I think it is pretty obvious that for whatever reason, he doesn't feel comfortable moving in with you. And I don't blame him really... You can't compare your relationship to the relationships of his roommates. Couples who move in together very soon are actually just taking a huge risk, it doesn't mean their relationship is better than yours.

If you have talked about getting a place together and it hasn't happened yet, then you need to talk about what you both want from this relationship and whether it's headed in the direction of cohabitating.

A year and four months isn't a really long time to be moving in together, I could see someone not being ready yet after this amount of time without immediately thinking there is a serious relationship problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 12:23pm

First of all, have you thought about asking him what's going on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2012
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 12:36pm
Thank you for your advice. I know I am not trying to compare the relationships with his friends but, it just doesn't make sense that ALL of his friends live together and he has never lived with a girlfriend. When I try to talk serious to him it seems he avoids it or just tells me what I want to hear. I know it isn't that long of a time but, we both agreed that after a year of dating and being exclusive moving in is the next step. Being long distance makes it feel even longer also. Something is just not right to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2012
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 12:41pm
Yes I have tried asking him but he usually just says "what are you talking about?" or "you're tripping." I was the one looking for a place alone. I would be on the computer searching for places and show him and he would just say yes or no if he like it. I would be relocating there. He does have a job. I would find a job there. His lease was just up last weekend. My lease is up this month. I do live alone not with my parents. We talked about splitting all the bills. I try to communication. It just doesnt make sense he is 27 years old (almost 28) and has never lived with a girlfriend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 12:41pm

"it just doesn't make sense that ALL of his friends live together and he has never lived with a girlfriend"

This is such erroneous thinking I'm not even sure where to begin. Why does your boyfriend have to live the same life as all of his friends? Is it wrong or weird that he doesn't have the same relationship experiences?

It sounds a lot like he's not ready to move in yet, but if this is what communication with him is like (telling you what you want to hear or avoiding the subject), then I doubt that your relationship is in a the best place for you to be living together at this point.

You MUST realize that regardless of what you personally want, or what you agreed to months ago, your relationship as an entity in itself has to be in the right place for living together to be a great decision. Because you are not living together yet does not mean that you never will. You have to be kind of flexible if your relationship isn't "there" yet. Instead of focusing on milestones like how long you've been together or what the next step is, focus on making your relationship the best relationship it can possibly be.

I don't think your talks should always be about moving in together. What's more important is that you are able to talk about how you feel with the way things are, where they are going, and whether or not you see one another as husband/wife material (if marriage is an interest to you). Where do you two stand in terms of the future? Do you agree on marriage, kids, and how you want to manage your lives together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2012
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 12:54pm
I think it is weird that he is 27 and has never lived with a girlfriend. We usually only see each other 1 or 2 days out of the week and some weeks not at all. It gets frustrating. I know what I want. I don't think it should take him that long to know what he wants. I have told him what I want in a relationship and he says he wants the same things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 1:47pm

"I think it is weird that he is 27 and has never lived with a girlfriend."

That's awfully judgmental. I am 28 and I know lots of guys my age who haven't lived with a girlfriend. It doesn't mean anything. If you're making broad-brush statements like these, then I am guessing you don't know him very well, because if you really knew this guy then you wouldn't think it's "weird" that he didn't live with other girls before you. Pardon me for being a little bit offended.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 2:27pm

I spend the night with my gf a few times a week with the occasional multi-day 'vacation'

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2012
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 7:58pm
That's not the kind of relationship I want. Especially being 2 hours apart. Maybe if we were like 20 mins and could see each other more it would be better. If he felt like that though I would just like for him to tell me and quit stringing me along.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2012
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 8:00pm
I apologize if I offended you. Sometimes I feel like I don't him that we'll bc he acts different at times. I just want him to open up more and let me know exactly what he wants.

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