Confused and Worried???

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Confused and Worried???
3
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 2:31pm

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years, we have been together for 4 years. We are having major issues in our marriage and have since day one. We are complete opposites in everything, but somehow (ocassionally) we balance each other out. He is very analytical and I am very global (he see's the day to day in life and I see the future plus day to day). He has been married before, for 5 years, and his wife left him for another man. Needless to say trust issues are on high alert with him, but that is no excuse because I have never done anything to make him not trust me. We argue and have argued since we returned from our honeymoon. I am still young and have never been married so this new life is hard for me and I have had some adjusting to do. He, however, has so many expectations for me and everyone in his life, expectations that can never be met. Once I fail to meet these things...he fights with me and tells me that I am the one that is ruining this marriage. Somehow I always end up apologizing and working extra hard to please my husband. Since I have been put down and somewhat degraded, sex is very hard for me. I do not want to have sex with someone who treats me like a daughter. I want to have sex with my husband. I know I and everyone get caught up in the day to day chores of life and things fall to the way side, but in a marriage, doesn't the other half help with accomplishing these goals and isn't the other person supposed to tell you it is okay we can do it tomorrow? He has me making lists for myself and crossing off the things that I accomplish. But my lists are not even good enough for him. They have too much on them, they are skattered, they are wrong basically. So I redo the lists and the redo's are not even good enough. What is good enough? Well this argument could go on for days, but that is not all that we argue about. The sex, he wants a porn star...not a wife. This makes me feel uncomfortable. I, like most average women, have self-confidence issues that make this act hard for me. I love sex, but I want to experiment in my own way. I do not want to show up at home with my husband handing me a dildo (sorry TMI) and telling me to work out my fears. WHATEVER!!! I want him to love me for who I am and not who I am not! These issues run really deep with me and I am tired of laying down and allowing this to happen to me. I have recently started defending myself and letting him know when he is not doing things "right". Except mine are vaild reasons, like not calling to let me know where he is, like yelling at me first thing in the morning, like treating me bad, like taking out his work on me. NO LONGER! However, he is turning these things around on me, like I have done the first step wrong, so therefore his actions are justified. I am in a dictatorship, not a marriage. Last night I laid it in his lap, let him know that I will no longer be treated this way and he said he was unhappy in this marriage. I am too, but I am a fighter and believe in the healing power of counseling and communication (with a mediator). I know who I married and I know why I married him. What happened to make him act this way? Why am I allowing this to happen to me? If he tells me that he does not what to have counseling (he has said it before) what should I do? I will put the ball in his court ...how to handle this marriage. Is this wrong? Please help, I am young and in love with a man that I feel does not love me?:(

Emmer2007

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 8:11pm

>>What happened to make him act this way?<<

He acts this way because it's who he is. He did the old "bait and switch" where he sells you a fake idea of who he really is. And when he's got you hooked, he stops being nice.

I will predict what will happen in the future: He will refuse counselling. You will eventually want to leave. And he will then say OK to counselling so as to keep you around. Considering the "bait and switch" routine that he pulled before marriage, it's most likely that he will present a fake persona to the counsellor. All will look rosy for a while and you'll start to relax. And he'll return to being who he is now.

Call me cynical, but marriage counselling has a fairly low success rate at the best of times - and I hold little hope for a patronising, controlling, angry man like your husband.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 9:05pm

'I want him to love me for who I am and not who I am not!'

Has he ever done this?

Has he changed since you two got married or did you marry the man whom you describe and hoped would change?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 9:09am

I married the man I love. He was somewhat this way, but not to this extreme. He loved me, showed me he loved me and did not want to change me. One thing that has changed is the stability of our lives around us. In 2004 I lost my little brother and this was a very trying year on our relationship. Then we got married and since have lost three pregnancies. I feel we both have control issues and have been shown we cannot control our lives, to some degree. One reply was stating the switch men play one women to hook them in. My husband, one thing he is not is fake. He is a caring and compassionate person but he has control issues. These can be worked on and he may or may not be able to change. I want everyone to know that all of us complain on this website about our spouses or boyfriends and it is wonderful to have someone reply to you, but there are always two sides to stories. I am not an angel and I have plenty to work on in my marriage, this forum is to have support or get wonderful ideas about how to handle similar events in our lives. Thank you for asking me questions and getting me to open up!

Emmer2007