confused confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
confused confused
4
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 2:44am
i have been married for 11 years and have 2 children, i married my wife when we were both 21 yrs whilst wildy in love but over the last 2 years we seem to have grown miles apart, like we have grown out of love to a point where i have definaetly had enough of this marriage and want to move on. to be honest i would have left her 2 years ago and still would tomorrow if it werent for our 2 children. i grew up in a single parent home and vowed to always be there as a stable father for my children. i am not happy in this relationship but fear terribly for what seperation would do to my children. but at the same time cant stand having them grow up in an unhappy home - no mater how well we hide it. i have reached a point where i am looking for a way out rather than a recovery. any thoughts or advise would be welcomed - thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 8:26am
waltlast...

Pianoguy got an immediate flashback after reading your post. His situation was similar to yours, but the 'disenchantment' with his first marriage began during the first 5 years! Similar to your situation...there were children involved.

First things first. It's pretty hard to sustain any marriage if both members of a couple are...'growing in different directions?' And considering the fact that YOU grew up in a 'single family home'---perhaps you have a problem 'interacting' with your spouse? (Pianoguy is just guessing about this and isn't putting you down)

You didn't indicate the ages of your children...or if they were girls, boys, or a mix? But believe it or not...most children usually handle a divorce or separation better than their parents! Many breathe a sigh of relief when they don't have to hear Mom and Dad arguing or watch them 'tip-toeing' through a bad relationship.

Our children are a LOT SMARTER than we give them credit for! And it's easy for them to sense when things AREN'T right!

If you and your wife haven't discussed your 'marital unhappiness'...you might as well get your feelings out into the open NOW! However...don't expect the conversation to be pleasant..especially on her side! Because every reason you give her as to why the marriage is failing, she'll probably counter-respond by bringing up issues that even YOU might not be aware of?

Men's and women's perceptions are definitely different...but most ivillagers know that already. The hardest thing to do (for most of us) is to LISTEN! The person we thought we loved at one time...is gonna tell us stuff we don't want to hear! The easy way out is acting like a jerk...by getting upset and leaving the room ANGRY! It's much more difficult to take 'the criticism!' And many of us don't handle this very well.

It's only a suggestion, but the 2 of you might feel more comfortable talking this out with a marriage counsellor? Or at least a very close friend who knows you equally well? But never lose sight of the fact that BOTH of you are RESPONSIBLE for the care, support and love of your kids. And whether you can "come together" in the same house...or need your space...please act like a grown-up in front of them, okay?

Your children are taking THEIR "parental cues" from their Mom and Dad!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 9:42am
well i totally understand that but what i have been through my step kids live right now w/ us and when their parents split up they were young 5,3 now the boys r 12,14 so they are okay they love both parents even me. if u do leave make sure u don't put down their mother b/c she will be making you look like the ass and as long as u r there for them and love them things will work out just fine. that is what my two's mother did put him and me down and now we have a great relationship the boys know that their mother was hurt at the time and see that she has been lying to them all these years before they moved in w/ us . just be strong and there for them
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 7:13pm
pianoguy - wow, its almost like you were sitting there waiting for my "confused confused" message to appear? great reply and advise - thank you! ! it brought tears to my eyes and does now as i write this. my children are boy 7 and girl 4, as you can imagine they mean more than the world to me and i have told myself over and over that i would endure a thousand hells before i would let anything ever happen to them both or let anything disrupt their perfect little lifes, this is obviously my huge dilemma. there is no doubt that i can grit my teeth and live through this relationship (thats becoming more meaningless) for their sake, but i also feel that i have gone past the point of wanting to repair my marraige. i am now more in the phase of looking for a way out with as little damage as possible, i know the easiest way is to force an argument and storm off different ways, but as you no doubt know this can be very distructive and the end result bitter and non condusive to a good ongoing relationship post breakup. still very confused and lost on how to approach this. no easy way really i guess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 10:47am
waltlast...

From one who has "walked a mile in your shoes"---Pianoguy can only repeat what he said earlier...find a counsellor or a person the two of you can trust...to help you realize what's ahead!

In the event of a divorce (and this appears to be something YOU want), there are a couple options regarding the children. You can apply for joint custody---which means your 7 and 4 year old would spend half their time with you...and half with their Mother.

There's always the possibility of giving your children a choice of parent? But I'm honestly not sure if the "let the child decide who he or she would like to live with" option--is applicable---because of their ages. Unless Mom is very abusive or has no parental skills at all, primary residence for the children would probably be granted to her? And this means a child support payment for you.

Hopefully...the two of you can work this out amicably?

Pianoguy (who really sympathizes with your situation)