Confused @ how I feel... help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Confused @ how I feel... help?
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 8:23pm
Newbie here.... but I've found many good pieces of advice in my lurking, so I'm hoping maybe someone can help me out.

I've been with my current S.O. for 8 months. Things on the outside are going well, but our schedules make seeing eachother a little difficult sometimes. He works at a power plant, so he has shift work -- 4 days (12 hours), 3 days off, 3 nights (12 hours), 1 day turnaround, 3 days (12), and then 7 days off before the whole cycle starts again. I'm currently unemployed but I go to school part time and am looking for a full time, 9-5 job. He totally supports this and wants me to keep going to school, and he very much wants me to move in with him. I've refused, because I want to be out on my own paying my own bills for at LEAST 6 months before I consider moving in with anyone, and he considers that fair.

Lately, though, I wonder how I feel. I know I want to be with him, but sometimes I feel utterly indifferent. I'm not a very sexual person, and I don't like making out or fooling around, and particularly don't like sex (and I feel bad, cos I gave my virginity to him, and sex just totally doesn't interest me at all). I love spending time with him, even if we are reduced to slumming on the couch playing video games cos one of us is too sick to do anything else (that was our V-day, no thanks to me). I just get these feelings sometimes that I don't want to be with him. Thoughts of NOT having him around get me wide-eyed and "oh no, not gonna happen", and sometimes borderline me in tears at that thought, but there are other times when I just don't want to talk to him when he calls. He's expressed that he is highly sweet on me, almost telling me he loves me but holding back because he knows I'm not quite there yet -- but I've caught myself on the edge of saying "I love you" many, many times. It stresses him out that I don't quite know how I feel, but I don't know how to find out or pinpoint what it is I'm feeling towards him. I don't know if someone just needs to ask me the right questions or what, but any advice would be highly appreciated. Thanks -- Paz