Confused, hurt, mad and trying to be positive....

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Registered: 01-02-2000
Confused, hurt, mad and trying to be positive....
6
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 12:23pm

I haven't posted here in years but I need some advice. 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half.  We have so much in common and have a great time together always.  A couple weeks ago I asked him why he wasn't cuddling or being touchy feely with me and he said he didn't know.  He's said he doesn't know how he feels right now.  Long story short on Sunday night he tells me he's been speaking to his ex.  He said he never stopped loving her but that he does love me and he needs to figure out if he just needs closure with her (they had a pretty strange breakup) or if there is something still there.  He always told me that she was a bitch and they always fought.  We never fight we have a great mutual respectful adult relationship.  I'm 32 and he's 35. 

I've told him why we are great and why I am this for the long haul and i'm not giving up to some wanna be ex-homewrecker (I didn't say the homewrecker part but wanted to) 

He's going through some other issues in life with his 12 year old son and also his job right now so I know there is a lot of stress on him but I don't want to make excuses becuase I love him and know that I am the right one for him.  Now and always. 

I told him that the past isn't always as good as you remember that you can't go back and have that same type of love (believe me I've tried and it's never the same)  He said this morning that he knows I'm right.  I just need to breathe and give him time (but we live together) so any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

I'm sure some of you are thinking RUN RUN fast but I don't know if I'm ready to give up without a fight! 

 

Thank you 

Kristiana
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Registered: 02-14-2014
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Registered: 01-29-2003

I do agree that it is very hard to find closure....you must be the one to find it on your own and not depend on the other person to give it to you.  I do not agree with just because you do not fight there is a lack of passion. I think good communication is a must.  I think you can have dissagreement and discuss them adult like and it not turn into a fight.  If he wants his space there is nothing you can do but give it to him.  I do not think you need to wait around for him...you need to put yourself out there.  Go out with friends male and female.  They are an x for a reason and we as humans tend to remember the good and lock away the bad.  I jsut read a true story the other day this same thing happened to another girl.  She gave the space he needed and he came back to her and they have been married for 7 years.  Good luck to you.

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Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 03-10-2013 - 12:57am

It's wonderful that you know that you're the right one for him, but unfortunately, he doesn't know that you're the right one for him!  He's told you he still loves his ex, now he's looking for closure?  Sorry, there's no such thing as "closure".  The correct word is "acceptance".  He obviously doesn't accept that his relationship is over with his ex, because he's exploring it again.. He calls her a bitch and says they always fought?  She's his ex........did you expect to hear the good things about her?  And just because two people do NOT fight doesn't mean it's a good relationship, either.  In a normal relationship, there will always be ups and downs and disagreements.  The true test is whether or not you can move on from the problems.  If you've never fought, then there must not be much passion in the relationship (and I don't mean sex).  He says he needs to explore, so he's going to explore, and you can't stop him.  What you CAN do is tell him to make a choice.......and accept whatever it will be.  Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 8:58pm

I will be honest, but you can not tolerate this.  As long as he has both of you to interact with, he will be a fence sitter.

And to be brutally honest, it sounds like he is already involved in an emotional affair with his ex, which means he is cheating on you.  Point blank.

You don't have to make the decision right now. But you will eventually have to face the ugly truth.  It is either you or the ex, and there is no amount of time that is acceptable to muddle over his options.  So, you will eventually have to lay out the ultimatum and face the possibility that he is going to go back to the EX.  If you don't force the situation, then eventually the EX will.  But most definitely, as long as both you and the EX allow him to "figure out how he feels", he will continue to string you both along.

And he may not conciously realize what he is doing, but what I stated above is exactly what he is doing.

And until that moment of change arrives for you, this whole situation is going to do a number on your self-esteem and personal self respect.

You need to be fully aware of the damage you are taking on by his actions.  He has not prioritized your relationship, meaning it does not have the same significance to him that it does to you.  And it may never.

Photobucket
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Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 4:30pm

No, I'm not going to tell you to run.  I am going to say if he's confused how he feels, there's little choice but for him to find out.  But first he needs to be clear what he has in mind here.  Is he thinking he wants to be with her and see how it goes?  With you on the sidelines hoping he'll choose you afterward?  Many of us here have been stung by this kind of situation, believing our spouse was torn between us and somebody else.  On the surface it sounds like he still feels some kind of connection to his ex, but if he does expect you to hang in there while he finds out - that's just cruel.  He says he "knows you're right", and if she was a bi+ch in the past, she's likely still one now, and it would just be more of the same he had with her in the past.  I think many of us have questions in our heads about some past boyfriend, but also we realize that IS in the past and it's over with - it ended for a reason.  Your boyfriend's ex is in his past for a reason, he needs to revisit that.  And you need to be clear what you will and will not tolerate, too. 

 

Avatar for Kendahke1
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Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 3:58pm

kpowers3 wrote:
<p>I haven't posted here in years but I need some advice. </p><p>My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half.  We have so much in common and have a great time together always.  A couple weeks ago I asked him why he wasn't cuddling or being touchy feely with me and he said he didn't know.  He's said he doesn't know how he feels right now.  Long story short on Sunday night he tells me he's been speaking to his ex.  He said he never stopped loving her but that he does love me and he needs to figure out if he just needs closure with her (they had a pretty strange breakup) or if there is something still there.  He always told me that she was a bitch and they always fought.  We never fight we have a great mutual respectful adult relationship.  I'm 32 and he's 35. </p><p>I've told him why we are great and why I am this for the long haul and i'm not giving up to some wanna be ex-homewrecker (I didn't say the homewrecker part but wanted to) </p><p>He's going through some other issues in life with his 12 year old son and also his job right now so I know there is a lot of stress on him but I don't want to make excuses becuase I love him and know that I am the right one for him.  Now and always. </p><p>I told him that the past isn't always as good as you remember that you can't go back and have that same type of love (believe me I've tried and it's never the same)  He said this morning that he knows I'm right.  I just need to breathe and give him time (but we live together) so any advice would be greatly appreciated. </p><p>I'm sure some of you are thinking RUN RUN fast but I don't know if I'm ready to give up without a fight! </p><p> </p><p>Thank you </p>

Is she the child's mother?

How long has he been speaking with her? Has she been a sore point in your relationship before this happened?

I'm not going to say RUN, but I will say your choices are pretty limited here: the ball is in his court, not yours.  This really isn't down to what you're not giving up to her or what you'll fight for because you cannot make him feel/want/think/do what he doesn't.  That is solely up to him.  A grown man is going to do what a grown man wants to do. What you can control is the proximity to which you place your person in relation to him.

If he feels he needs space to "see if something is still there", then does he presume to think that he's going to go on that expedition while he's still living in the same house as you? Can YOU live with that?  WILL you live like that?

  I mean, it's lovely that he loves you, but there is no room in your relationship for him still being in love with her.  I am one of those who do not believe that you can love two people at the same time.  You can long for them, lust for them, pine for them, care about their wellbeing, have concern for them, but not love them.  And a doubleminded man is unstable in all his ways.

The thing is: he needs to choose and then he needs to live with the choice he's made. 

My advice is that if he wants time and space that you give it to him.  Decide if you can like the person you will  have to become in order to tolerate this.  You trying to hang on to him while he basically disrespects your esteem by chasing after her will do more to damage your esteem than anything he's doing.  If he can't see that who he has is of greater value than what he had, then he's lost and he needs to go.  If no one else is going to recognized your value, you have to.

Sorry you have to go through this.