confused navy wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
confused navy wife
1
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 12:32pm
Not to sure where to start,well, we have been married for 7 years and we are high school sweethearts. We have 2 kids a girl whose 5 and son who is 2. This is something we both wanted..but, is seems like sometimes he thinks or at least he makes me feel like spending time with us is a berdon or like a job, something he has to do rather then wants to. With him being in the navy, and me an at home mom, we should have by now able to come to some kind of middle ground or something. But, whenever he's home it's like he has to go work on his car,(that's more like his hobby, he loves to work on cars),and if i ask him not to or to spend time with us, it can start an arguement between us. or he just sits on the coach watching t.v. He never wants to do anything family oriented, and this really bothers me. We used to be able to talk alot about anything, we were like best friends, but now it's not like that. He seems so different when he's not around me, and he is with his friends, he cuts up and it's like they get the fun side of him and when i'm with him well, it's the same old thing, any fun thing we do it's my idea. I guess i'm tired or talking about this to my family so i just want to see what kind of advice i can get from someone other than a family member who is one sided and always anwser is to leave him!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 2:18pm
I understand exactly where you're coming from. What you're dealing with is a young husband. It's probably not that he doesn't love you anymore. It's just that as a service man, he's around other young guys who come and go as they please, share stories of late parties and early mornings with girls whose names they forget, and basically relay to him all that he thinks he's missed out on.

I'm sure he loves you and your children, but he probably wishes he had made time to be as carefree and fun-loving as the other guys around him. He sees himself stuck with responsibilities while others around him get to do whatever pleases them because they have no one to answer for. So what you're getting is the tail end of his envy....you see his disappointment when you ask him to spend time with you, you feeel neglected because he's feeling resentful that he can't be as free and both people are left miserable.

So how do you fix this? While leaving is an option, it's not the only way. You two need to sit down and seriously discuss the committment you've made, and you need to let him be honest with you. Some of the things he says may be hurtful at first, but you have to realize that as long as he's holding that all in, you're going to feel even worse as a result of his neglect and depression. Work out an arrangement between the two of you. Would you be willing to give him one designated night out with the boys each week if he can commit one night a week to family time and at least two times a month to just "couple" time outside the house? Work out an arrangement where he doesn't feel like he's trapped and you don't feel like he doesn't appreciate you. Trust me, a little compromise can do a lot to ease a situation like this. I wish you all the luck in the world and a whole lot of patience....you're gonna need it. ;o)