Confused, need advice!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
Confused, need advice!!
2
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 5:36pm
My girlfriend of two years told me in Dec. that she needed some “space.” I kind of went into a panic mode because I knew I had been really mean to her. So I kept calling her several times a day. Then she finally said she wanted to break up for good.

On one hand I was always there for her while she was putting herself through school and working full time. I would go to her house and mow her lawn and do things for her. Most of the time she never even thanked me. I started to grow resentful. So, I would find fault in everything she did and became verbally abusive. After she said she needed space I tried to be nicer and I told her how much I loved her. I would call her at work just to hear her voice. About six weeks after she broke up with me she called me regarding a plumbing problem. When I was there I told her we could have had everything together. I was crying and I hugged her and she barely hugged me back. She just said she was sorry. Yes, it’s hard to admit because I’m a guy but I cried!

Finally, I started to date someone else. I put my ex behind me and moved on. As soon as I did, now she wants me back. She told me the stress of her mother dying and going through school was overwhelming and that when I became verbally abusive it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She said she still loves me more than ever and did not realize how much until she lost me for good. She is getting counseling to work on her issues and she invited me to join. I’m dating a girl from work and we have a lot of fun together, but she is a girl that has dated a few other of my coworkers in the past and this bothers me a little. She even dated a married man and had a lesbian relationship at one time. Should I give the new girl a chance or try counseling with my ex? I still love my ex but I do not trust that she will not run away again. I’m so scared we will get in the rut we got into before and the bickering will start all over. She told me she was so distraught she did not know what else to do but take a time out. Is it wrong of me to continue to see the other girl while going to counseling with my ex, at least until I decide what I want? I am so torn between the two I just do not know what to do.

Thank you for your thoughts. . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 6:57pm
you should go with your ex . if she was having stress with her mom dieing and then you go and verbally abuse her then i would have done what she did to you and leave you. so its your fault that she dumped you and if she wants you back and you love her then you should go back with her and leave the girl you with now. if you dont leave her then you will lose then chance to be with the one you truly love. just one thing if you get back with the girl then it would help if you both got counsiling or if you were more open with her and let her know what you like and dislike about her so she can fix it and you have to be flexible so you can change alil for her if you love her .
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 7:23pm
It sounds to me like it's your ex that you love and the girl at work is more just a casual, fun thing. The thing is, if you attend counseling with your ex (which I think is a very good idea if you want to try to work things out with her), it seems a bit contradictory to also be seeing this other girl on the side. If you think there's really a chance for something of substance to come with the girl at work, then I think you have to choose that over the ex and just tell the ex you are seeing someone you care about and leave it at that.

It sounds like both you and your ex were having problems in the relationship. I don't think everything is totally your fault. Sounds like she wasn't particularly appreciative of the stuff you did for her. At the same time, your being verbally abusive was just plain unacceptable.

I would go with your gut feeling ultimately, but weigh everything out. In my opinion, it sounds like the girl at work is not exactly the type who wants a commitment.

Good luck!