confused newlywed

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
confused newlywed
2
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 4:00pm
I have been married for 7 months and I'm having a very difficult time with it, as I knew I would. My husband and I dated for 3 years prior to our marriage, and we got along wonderfully. We lived apart during that time, so we'd see each other some days after work or on weekends, but everything was perfect that way. I did think that I wanted to maybe get married eventually, but decided that I liked the way things were, and we had talked about that. I also had my doubts about myself in a marriage because I knew how much I valued my freedom and independence. Another factor was that I had always been happier, and much better at, dating or being great friends. In the past, if a relationship got too serious, I'd somehow distance myself, not really knowing why.

So, we were engaged after an amazing proposal, but it wasn't long after when I began to see a change in my attitude and behavior. He noticed as well. I asked to wait on a wedding date, but he wouldn't budge on that. We've had many talks about this, and still do as I try to be more accepting, but it doesn't last. He is a wonderful guy who is supportive, loving, funny, smart...just everything great. He has stayed out with his friends and hasn't called, however, until the following day and other things like that, but we've worked through those times. Sometimes it seems as though I want stuff like that to happen so I have an excuse to cause a small argument. We also try to tell each other almost everything to keep communication open, so he knows exactly what my situation is. He keeps comparing me to the way I was when we were just dating because he said he had no issues with me then. I was happier, more affectionate, and more like the best friend and love of his life whom he wanted to marry.

I try, I really do. What is my problem?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 4:10pm
You are caught in a self-fufilling cycle- you say yourself you knew things wouldn't work out, and now you are essentially saying, "See? I told you so." In part you seem to resent him for insisting you two get married. This was a mistake, if you were not ready to do so.

Why exactly are you having problems commiting to him? What elements of your freedom independence have you lost that you would like to regain? Is there a way to talk to him about this and reach a compromise?

Ask youself, too, if you really want to be with this person. If the answer is yes, I would suggest counseling, either for you or as a couple, so you can figure out how you can be happy together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 4:27pm

I think that for whatever reason, you are afraind for things to reach a certain commitment level. Once it does, you look for reasons to back out. You need to look deep inside and figure out what causes these fgeelins...is it the relationship, or that you are just not ready to commit to anyone? This is something that you need to sort out, rather that drag him thru all of this, only to end everything..


Best wishes,