Confused, please help!!!!!
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Confused, please help!!!!!
| Fri, 03-12-2004 - 2:41pm |
I have been in a relationship with a man for a year and a half. About 9 months ago he told me that he was having second thoughts about being in a relationship where children were involved. I have two children from a previous marriage. He knew before dating me that I had children and thought he worked out his feeling. He had never wanted children and can’t see himself raising them. The problem is that since he told me this we have tried different things to help him figure out what he wants. He still has not made a decision, but he is being more and more distant to me. He has started a new job that requires a lot of his time, and I know his free time is precious, but it seems that he finds time for his friends but when it comes to spending time with me he is always too tired or he has other things to do. On the other hand he calls me every night just to chat. I have noticed that he will only tell me he loves me when I tell him I love him, otherwise I get a good night or talk to you tomorrow. He told me he would always come right out and tell me if something was wrong, but I feel he is hiding something here. Should I question him about this situation or should I just move on? I really love him and want a relationship with him but I am afraid that he doesn’t want to tell me the truth because he doesn’t want to hurt me. The fact that his friends are receiving more of his time then me is really hurting. I haven’t seen him in 1 month and when I asked him when I was going to see him again he said, “Maybe, Saturday.” I felt like he should have made some time for me after this period of time. Am I just stupid and not reading the signs here?

You can't hide your children (by your previous marriage) in the linen closet whenever this man comes around. If he wants YOU...he has to accept and love the entire package!
AND IT'S CLEAR FROM YOUR POST THAT HE DOESN'T WANT THAT!
So give him his freedom. If he wants to maintain the friendship betweeen you...COOL! But you know...deep, down inside...he's not going to accept your children.
And you obviously want somebody who will.
Pianoguy
However, he is wonderful with my children. He takes them to school, cooks for them, helps with homework, keeps them in line and plays games with them. He praises them when they do well and we set up the punishment and guidlines together.
I made it CRYSTAL clear that I will not have an man in my life who cannot treat my children with kindness and respect. I also dont believe in allowing him to make up the rule and punishment - we discuss it and approach it as a team.
I also made him aware that he is taking on a huge responsability - and that he doesnt just get to do the "fun" stuff.
I think that your lucky to find out now. This doesnt mean this man is bad or abnormal - it means he knows what he doesnt want - and I think that he has made this clear. He doesnt want kids - period.
Do you want a man you have to "force" to accept your kids??? Always doubting - and maybe resenting it??? Nope, you dont.
Let it go - its done.
Talk to him honestly about it and move on.
PlayNICE
I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board.
At least talk to him about it first. Unfortunately it sounds like you have to be the adult here and start the conversation about your future or lack thereof. Tell him what you want from him and for your kids and ask him to be respectful enough to be straightforward with you.
Good luck
Gina
you are certainly not being stupid - but i think he HAS told you what he wants, maybe not in so many word, but certainly his actions are telling you. he doesn't want kids, he doesn't want to raise kids. he has told you 9 months ago that he is not really into this. he is pulling away.... well he SHOULD be more adult about this, but this is who he is. by all means sit him down and spell it out for him - that you+kids= package deal, take it or leave it. no more dilly-dallying, no more working thru his feelings.
sorry...