confused- REALLY need help
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| Tue, 03-23-2004 - 12:33pm |
I live about an hour away from him at college and he works and lives near where I live when I come home from college. We've been together for 3 years and 4 months, both his and my longest relationship. About two months ago he told me he was doubting our relationship, feeling stifled and wanting time alone, time to be single. He still loved me, he said, but there were times when he didn't even like me. I told him we could try staying together but giving each other more space. I figured we would talk more in person, which is what I planned to do when I came to see him the next night. However, he ended up having a heart attack and came very close to dying the night I came to see him. I stayed with him in the hospital, sleeping very little and calling the friends and relatives with updates, all the while unsure if we were still going to be together.
After the heart attack things were up and down; when I was with him in person he was mainly loving and kind although he would tell me, jokingly, that he didn't love me and he would say, both jokingly and seriously, that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me. On the phone he was much more difficult and distant. It took 2 or 3 weeks for things to get more back to normal and it seemed once I needed him less, he missed me and needed me more. I still doubted our relationship because he had hurt me so much when he had been having doubts before. We started having long phone conversations and he became noticeably happier to be with me.
I went for one of my weekend visits and we got into an argument about a girl that he's friends with. Although I know he wasn't cheating on me, I still felt insecure about their friendship. He reassured me that he loved me and really and truly wanted to be with me multiple times that weekend. The Monday after the weekend he sent me a text message saying how lucky he was to have me and left me a "just saying I love you" voice mail. He went away on business and then I went to Florida so we didn't talk much for a couple of days but the night I left for Florida he sent me an "I love you" text message.
We talked the Saturday of my trip and he seemed jealous that I was away and a little distant but otherwise fine. He sent me a sexual text message and I called him about it and I started joking that he never sent me any nice messages, only sexual ones. I tried to get him to say that he missed me and such but he said that I shouldn't expect him to always say the right thing and proceeded to say all of the wrong ones. He then said we needed to talk when I got home and that he might break up with me because he was considering getting a female roommate. I told him that if he was going to break up with me he should do it then and he replied "okay, we're broken up."
I argued and begged with him, I'm ashamed to say, and he ended up taking me back the next day. When I saw him after my trip he seemed really glad to see me and we joked and talked for awhile. I began to confront him about his unexplained breakup and he refused to explain or apologize after I demanded that he do both. He also refused to tell me he loved me and complained that I was in constant need of reassurance, that I couldn't force somebody to say or feel something, and that I repeatedly asked the same insecure questions after receiving the same positive answers each time. We left each other angry but agreed to see each other after he got off work.
After work we talked for hours about everything going on in our lives, minus the whole situation of that morning. I called him on my way home and we exchanged "I love yous" The next two nights we did the same thing and he hinted at how he was happy I was there and how much he wanted me there for a party he was having next weekend. The second of these two nights I said "I love you" and he refused to say it back. I asked him if he loved me and he said "yes, but I don't want to have to say it every day." Up until this point, except for our rough time 2 months ago, he had no problem telling me he loved me multiple times a day; in fact he would say it more often than I would. The next day, on the phone, he refused to say I love you again and last night he said it but after he did said "I only say it because you make me."
I hate being on such rocky ground with him and it may sound stupid to be this insecure but I still feel a need to hear him tell me he loves me. It seems that he's just tired of having to reassure me but it seems a little ridiculous that he's making a conscious effort not to tell me he loves me. Should I quit saying I love you? Should I continue to fight him and force him to say something if he doesn't want to? Should I give him space for a few days and just not call him? How long should I put up with his refusal to say the three little words? Does his refusal mean he's stopped loving me? I know I'm young and insecure, which is why I have all these questions, but I really need advice on what to do. Thanks in advance for any help.

I think based on your post, that you should give him LOTS of space. Because personally, I don't think he really knows what he wants yet.
He's been hinting at wanting out of the relationship, but it sounds like he hasn't wanted to hurt you so when you suggest staying together, but more space, he accepts it, but I don't think that is what he really wants.
1) doubting our relationship, feeling stifled and wanting time alone, time to be single.
2) he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with
3) we got into an argument about a girl that he's friends with. I still felt insecure about their friendship
4) he seemed jealous that I was away
5) we needed to talk when I got home and that he might break up with me because he was considering getting a female roommate. (why does that make a difference, unless he has a thing for her?)
6) I told him that if he was going to break up with me he should do it then and he replied "okay, we're broken up." (this in my opinion is what he really, really wants, and in that conversation, you gave him the easy way out AND HE TOOK IT)
7) I began to confront him about his unexplained breakup and he refused to explain or apologize after I demanded that he do both. (while it does no good to DEMAND anything, I'm surprised he wouldn't explain - very weird and unsettling)
When you are clingy, needy, etc it's not attractive and it sounds like it pushes him away. Now, if you were to back off alittle - not call as much, don't say I love you every time - he may notice a change in you and wonder what's going on. It's like a push-me, pull-me thing.
However, to make the effect complete, I would suggest you find some things to fill your time - other friends, hobbies, etc. because right now you have a relationship all on his terms and he likes it the way it is - he doesn't want anything to change except maybe to end it.
Sorry for you pain. My best to you.
Carrie
If this is what is happening, he's probably just a selfish man. It's really hard to be in a relationship with a selfish person because their needs are endless and in their eyes, your needs are non-existent. If I were you, I'd assess him very critically, not to be critical, but objective and discerning. I don't see how you can be happy with someone who only wants you when it suits them. Or worse, only seems to want you until you want them. Best wishes.
I can understand how hurt you must feel when he rejects you but you have got to pull yourself together and be strong. He is giving you signals that you are not accepting. He does not have the heart or courage to come right out and say he wants to be free so he is hoping you will figure it out on your own. If he seems like he pursues when you back off it is just because he gets a little frightened and second guesses himself, but lets face it the writing is on the wall.
If I were you I would definitely back off and busy myself with other things for a while. Immerse yourself in something else that will take your mind off this situation. Reconnect with yourself and spend some time with YOU doing what YOU want to do. Really meditate on YOU and what it is that you need in your life to feel complete, analyze everything very carefully. You are capable, you are intelligent, you are a strong woman who can get through anything! I know you can do it. Don't let him control your happiness. Good luck and take care and be strong!!
Jez