Confused-Relationship between dh and I
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| Mon, 06-07-2004 - 5:42pm |
I'll give you a little history first. My dh and I will have been married for 9 years this year, together for 10. It was basically a rebound relationship from a horrible relationship. I had no intention of getting together so quickly with anyone after I cut the ties to the bad relationship. We have 3 children, ages 8, and twins 3 years. I have no close friends to discuss matters like this with. I have also been diagnosed with depression.
Here is where my concerns are. My husband and I do not connect on any level other than parenting. I have been a sahm for 3 years now, but for many before that we just don't have a husband/wife relationship. Yes, we may have sex every now and then, but other than that we don't talk, do things together, enjoy each others company etc..
I have a general idea of how to fix these things such as date nights to reconnect, but what good does it do for one person to be the one to try and fix them. My husband see's nothing wrong with our relationship and if I try to suggest these things I get blown off. I consider dh like another one of the kids, who just doesn't listen to me no matter how many times I say things.
I was recently able to attend a class (something I did for myself for the first time in 3 years). While there I connected with many people realizing I was still myself outside of being a mother. I happened to have a particulary good connection with a man that really not so much was interested in me, but really paid attention to me. Of course this attention sparked a whole load of feelings and thoughts that were inappropriate. I didn't act on them, but came pretty close. This isn't the first time I've considered doing this either when I was still in the workforce I came close to an affair with a co-worker, but thankfully he was smart enough to realize it was a really bad idea. I also recently looked up online an ex-boyfriend(not from the bad relationship) and found out where he lives and have driven by his house, just out of curiousity.
I know all of these things are wrong on so many levels, but I just can't help my feelings. Would I still have these thoughts of infidelity if I had experienced more before marrying? (Meaning I had never been sexually involved with another man before marrying)
My Mother had an affair when my Father was alive, and it's one of the things that I really hold against her, so how could I even consider doing such a thing?
I never would do anything to hurt my children, but this could effect them in so many ways. I love them dearly as does my husband, but I need more. I know my husband truly does love me, but we just aren't on the same page when it comes to what we need as far as the spousal relationship goes.
I know I'm not making a real point with this or asking one specific question, but if anyone has any thoughts to offer up to me, I'm willing to listen.
Thanks,
Confused and Lonely

Pianoguy felt very sad after reading your post.
You are experiencing what a lot of "rebound romance partners" have experienced. The man you thought you loved (and vice versa) doesn't respond. And there's the outside temptation of straying.
BUT...your Mom did and you never forgave her, right? And if you pursue the same course that your Mom did...imagine what your kiddoes will say later on?
Seems to me that you and your husband need to have a "serious one-to-one" conversation about where your marriage is headed! It actually might be easier with a 3rd party who knows the two of you VERY WELL! Then again...you can always enlist the services of a marriage counsellor...if you think your husband is willing to go with you and share his side of the story?
One thing for sure...you've resisted TEMPTATION twice...but "the third time could be the charm" that'll cause you to GIVE INTO IT! Get some outside help...PLEASE!
Pianoguy
I have had a discussion with my husband as to where our relationship is going, and we both seem to agree that it's headed toward certain disaster. My sister and her husband are seperating after 12 years together, and we both know if we don't fix things we're following right behind. We have discussed marriage counseling, and my husband would be willing to go, but all the details (finding a counselor, making an appt. etc..) are left to me, once again to reiterate the fact that this is soley my problem (in his eyes). We also don't have money for a marriage counselor, and I do understand that a divorce will be much more costly not only monetarily but emotionally.
And pianoguy, I know your right about the way the kids will feel about me, that's what puzzles me the most. How can I even have such thoughts, knowing how I felt as a child/young adult about my mothers infidelity. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I'm still wondering about another man as I type this though. I know alot of this has to do with attention. I can almost justify any aldulterous acts in my mind, because my husband fails to give me the attention I need, so therefore it's his fault. Some logic eh?
I do hope I can avoid the third temptation though, because I'm about to be away from my husband for about 2 weeks, and lord knows how I'll handle it.
Thanks for listening,
Confused and Lonely
There are several GREAT books by those authors and they really explain the nuts and bolts of a good relationship. If you understand those you will be able to come up with concrete ways to fix your marriage. There are also forums there specifically designed to help problems like yours.
It sounds to me that nothing is really bad but it is not really good. You don't feel in love with your husband. I think this is common after spending so many years raising children. You have become incompatible and do not have a way to connect and stay in love.
I urge you to really try to fix this. A divorce is so messy, especially with children. You will spend far less time and effort to make your marriage better than to have to start all over again.
I agree with the others to get marriage counseling. See if that works. At least you can say you tried.
Good luck honey.
J
It's funny you should mention the age difference between you and your husband. My husband is 8 years older than me, consequently he's the same age as your husband. Maybe there's something about them being older than us that makes them complacent in a relationship.
Confused and Lonely
You hit the nail on the head "nothing is really bad but it is not really good." He is a really good guy, but he's just very passive and would watch me self destruct in from of him and not even realize it. And also, your right about the fact that I do love him I'm just not in love with him. Thank you for the link I will definitely check the site out, lord knows I need all the help I can get.
Confused and Lonely
Your situation sounds similar to what my sister is experiencing. Her husband has tried to rectify things with her, and now is smothering her. She has also built a wall up and now that she has learned to live without him, she doesn't want him back. So I think your feelings are totally normal, as far as that goes. You'll have better luck conquering your wall if you just chip away at it. If you try to knock it down to quickly it will become unstable and fall on you.
I too married my husband, partly because I felt that we would always be together. My parents were married for 20 years(until my dad died), but like I said in an earlier post my mom was not faithful. I could never imagine, on my part, I would be the one to be unhappy.
I called to make an appointment today for counseling. I'm going to do indiviual counseling first and see how that goes. Thanks for sharing.
Hoping to be a little less,
Confused and Lonely
::I was recently able to attend a class (something I did for myself for the first time in 3 years). While there I connected with many people realizing I was still myself outside of being a mother. I happened to have a particulary good connection with a man that really not so much was interested in me, but really paid attention to me. Of course this attention sparked a whole load of feelings and thoughts that were inappropriate. I didn't act on them, but came pretty close. This isn't the first time I've considered doing this either when I was still in the workforce I came close to an affair with a co-worker, but thankfully he was smart enough to realize it was a really bad idea. I also recently looked up online an ex-boyfriend(not from the bad relationship) and found out where he lives and have driven by his house, just out of curiousity.
What you feel is normal for someone that is adult attention, male attention, husband attention starved.
::I know all of these things are wrong on so many levels, but I just can't help my feelings. Would I still have these thoughts of infidelity if I had experienced more before marrying? (Meaning I had never been sexually involved with another man before marrying)
You would still have the thoughts of infidelity because you are attention starved even if you had dated others or had sex with other men before getting married.
::My Mother had an affair when my Father was alive, and it's one of the things that I really hold against her, so how could I even consider doing such a thing?
What you judge, you usually have to experience.
Reading material to consider:
Relationship Rescue, Dr Phil
How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together : Breakthrough Strategies to Solve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love
by Susan Page
Getting the Love You Want : A Guide for Couples -- by Harville Hendrix
Ask your husband to go to counseling with you. Tell him, "Would you go to marriage counseling with me? (wait for his reply) If he says, yes, then make an appt immediately. If he say no, tell him "I'm going to go on my own. I'm questioning our marriage and I'm afraid that if we don't work together to meet both our needs it may end. I'd like you to come with so that you can be a part of any decision I make regarding our relationship."
Go without him if he won't go.
Carrie