confused, scared, and devistated
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| Mon, 09-06-2004 - 7:18pm |
bf and i met senior year of high school. we dated for 3 years and then my senior year of college moved in together. we then continued to live together for 3 year, until the age of 24. we had had problems the last year - i was misserble at work, he was getting into drugs and not willing to grow up - frequently putting his friends first, he got a DUI and i felt it punished me more with the driving situtation and such. well when it was time to move out we went our separate ways, me into an apartment him with his sister.
in the beginning of the separation he begged me continually to get back with him and i said no, that i had stuff i needed to work out with myself. we both started dating. i dated numerous guys casually, he dated 2 women exclusivly (well sort of he was still seeing and sleeping with me). anyways about once a month he continues to beg me to take him back. one day in march of this year he shows up on my porch begging me to get back with him. we talk and decide to try it out. he ends it with the woman Chris he was seeing and we start dating again. in may we move into our current appartment. and in june i discover i am pregnant.we talk about getting married and buying a house. we make plans and both are excited about the baby
well about 2 months ago i find out that the is still seeing and talking to chris and that she believes that they will be together in the future and that he is just with me because of the baby. i confront him about it as we have never had infidelity issues before and he promisses to end it. well he has been trying to end it since then. i tried moving out a month ago but couldn't handle sleeping on friends couches and the thought of bringing a child into a world without a home. we had planned on moving 3 hours north to the town where both of our families live in may when the lease is up and i still plan on doing so but until that point i am not financially able to move out.
he doesn't hide his affair or feel guilty about it. rather he says that he loves us both and cann't decide that he needs more time. if i tell him to he will move out but i cann't handle the rent on my own. he is still into partying and drugs (pot and coke) and it bothers me greatly that he still does those things with a baby on the way. he says that he doesn't have to change until the baby gets here. i am tempted to just let him sit the fence and see what happens when the baby comes but i know the OW wont just leave and that he won't leave her because right now he gets the best of both worlds. i am a physical and mental wreck right now and feel stuck and at times truly hate myself for getting into this mess.
so what should i do-force him out, continue to fight with him about it, or just accept it and continue to make plans for june when i move (if he comes great, if not oh well) i am very much alone in this situtation. only one friend down here knows the truth, i am too embarrased to tell others so not much emotional support. my mom and his just are mad at him and think i should leave him now and move north but then i would have no job and no insurance so not a realistic option. it seems hopeless

::he doesn't hide his affair or feel guilty about it.
That's because his values and morals justify his behavior. Look at his actions....are they that of a man that is in love with you, that will honor and respect you? He has no integrity and no honor.
::rather he says that he loves us both and cann't decide that he needs more time.
That's BS. It just means that he likes having the attention, affection and sex with two women.
::if i tell him to he will move out but i cann't handle the rent on my own.
Start looking for a roommate. Talk to family. Talk to friends.
::he is still into partying and drugs (pot and coke) and it bothers me greatly that he still does those things with a baby on the way. he says that he doesn't have to change until the baby gets here.
That's his excuse to keep doing what he's doing because he likes it and this is the life he wants to lead.
::i am tempted to just let him sit the fence and see what happens when the baby comes but i know the OW wont just leave and that he won't leave her because right now he gets the best of both worlds.
Don't. By doing this your actions and words tell him that his behavior is ok with you. And guess what? The universe will send you more of this type of behavior until you set personal boundaries and enforce them.
::i am a physical and mental wreck right now and feel stuck and at times truly hate myself for getting into this mess.
I'm sorry you feel this way. Being preg is emotional enough without having to deal with what you are dealing with. There are support groups out there. Talk to your doctor. Check you college, even if you are graduated, as an alumni you may quailfy. Check out Planned Parenthood for a support group.
::so what should i do-force him out, continue to fight with him about it, or just accept it and continue to make plans for june when i move (if he comes great, if not oh well)
Personally, I would force him out, but I know you feel trapped. First get support, counseling, family, friends....start being honest with all of them. Don't keep it to yourself. You have nothing to feel bad about.
::i am very much alone in this situtation. only one friend down here knows the truth, i am too embarrased to tell others so not much emotional support.
You will continue to be alone until you speak the truth to everyone. By keeping this a secret, you are enabling him to continue with his behavior. You are making it easier for him. It's not making it easier for you and you are the one that is preg. You have to think of your well-being, your emotional health as well as your physical health.
::my mom and his just are mad at him and think i should leave him now and move north but then i would have no job and no insurance so not a realistic option. it seems hopeless
If they knew the truth would they be willing to help with your rent after he moves out? They might be....at least until after the baby comes so that you can keep your job and your insurance. Until you share the burden it will remain hopeless. You aren't giving them the opportunity to help. Don't decide for them.
My best to you.
Carrie
It sounds like you are scared (make sense) and clinging to a girlhood dream, not an adult reality. The steps toward a healthy life for you and baby will not be easy. I think a therapist would help you make good decisions. You need to think about what kind of life you want for the baby and make it happen, your boyfriend doesn't sound like he is there for you and it sounds like he doesn't have a clue how to be a good father - DUIs, pot, etc, aren't cutting it. These are reasons divorced parents fight for custody - to keep the father/mother who is using away from the children.
If you ask me, you are too forgiving. Ask yourself why you are clinging desparately to an image of him that he is not living up to? Is it too scarey to consider another way - why? If you just don't know how to make it happen, do some research. Do you know your options? You and the baby deserve better. The only person you can really depend on right now is you - please don't wait around for him to help. Believe me, after some good therapy and a few years as a mom, he won't look like such a prince. And you might be fighting to keep him from seeing the child b/c he is putting the kid's life in danger with his immature selfish and destructive behaviours.
Remember you are the one that is preg. You have to take care of you, not take care of him.
Carrie
It sounds like you know what you need to do and are just having a hard time doing it. Since knowing is half the battle, give yourself some credit. Now you need to do it with every once of strength you can muster. The hardest part is during the change, afterwards is not so bad. You do need more support and the only way you will get it is by telling the people that love you and beyond - tell the church, join an in-person support group (in your community) as well as using boards like this. Build an army of support for you and your baby. You can do it!
i know he has the ability to be a good man, i have seen it before, but i just cann't get over how selfish he is being and how he just doesn't get it. he gives me glimmers of hope and i cling to them but other times i see him for what he really is. i guess the idea of him raising the "OW" kids and not being a dad to his own.
at times i wonder if i will be alone forever and if i will ever get over him and find a good man, or if having this baby will help him to grow up and see the errors of his ways.
i have talked to a family friend who is an attorney about custody and support papers so that everything is in line as soon as the baby is born especially since he has said jokingly that he will just take the baby since he has no intention of being a "part time" dad.
just a messed up situation but i do have my child's best interest at heart but i am scared and nervous and emotional.