Confused is an Understatement-NEED HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Confused is an Understatement-NEED HELP!
7
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 2:20pm
Hi ladies.

Ok this is kind of a long one but I want to make sure that I do not leave anything out so that I can get the best advice possible.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now. We even went apartment hunting last weekend and are about to sign a lease. I love him very much, and he says that he is in love with me. We aren't just lovers though he IS my best friend. We both spend so much time together not because we have to but because we enjoy it. And the sex is amazing. Sounds great huh?

Well here is the problem...before we started dating he was in this on again/off again 3 year relationship with this girl 4 years younger then him. There relationship, as he says, was very childish. They never slept together, he was a virgin until me, but he was at one point in love with her. They broke up because it was going downhill again, and because she would up cheating on him (kissing) another guy.

4 months later, maybe less then that, we meet. We met as friends though, through this guy I was hanging out with. That's what we were. I never pictured or wanted anything more. Until we spent more time together and both of us started falling. Thing happened quickly. Within a month we were practically dating. And both of us knew this was it, this was the real deal.

He never talked to his ex. He would always tell me he never wanted to. Then all of a sudden about 3 months ago, out of the blue, she starts calling him again. They talk about 2 a month, her always calling him he says he never calls her.

I know your saying, whats the big deal? So let me explain my past. The last REAL relationship I had (before going from guy to guy never committing) was for 2 years and he was my high school sweetheart and my first (sexually). He cheated on me, lied to me, ruined my trust in men. Let's just say it took a long time to get over.

Well I thought I was over it. I still have a soft spot with all of this. I don't like my current boyfriend talking to his ex, at least not right now in our relationship. I am not trying to tell him who he can/cannot talk to. She is the only insecurity that I have and I know that I need to get over it. It would be a lot easier if this did not happen to me once before but now I am afraid of not only getting hurt again but losing the one thing that I love more then anything in this world.

I know it sounds crazy but even though he says his ex has a boyfriend, I think (as well as others I have asked) she wants him back. If she cheated on my guy before who's to say she wont cheat on her new guy? And my fear is that it will be with my boyfriend. I know I have to trust him but here is one reason why I dont.

He told me that he never really wanted to talk to her. Hence why he does not call her. That was his answer to me for the longest time. He even said, after seeing wha this was doing to me, that the next time she called he would tell her to back off. And when she did call the next time that he would tell me. Well she called again and he lied to me. He did not tell me that she called after he made such a big stink about doing so. I confronted him because I found out through a mutual friend. So how can I trust him with the big things if he is going to lie to me aboutt he little things?

In my experience ex's are not a good thing to keep around. They just cause problems. If he does not care about her, why is he keeping her around?

There is so much more to say but this is already long enough. Please get back to me, whether you agree with how I feel or not, I need some clarity. I need something to help me get past this and to understand what he is feeling and what I am even feeling.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 3:25pm
Well let me start by saying that I too have been in your shoes. I have been totally burned by a guy and I lost complete trust in men and refused to be a serious relationship for several years. Then I went out with a guy who had just broken up with an ex of 5 years. For me, dating him was also my first REAL relationship since I had been burned, so I also got caught up in the jealousy and worrying about him talking to his ex. I got mad when she called, and even went so far as to tell him not to talk to her. Now we aren't together and here's what I've learned:

You HAVE to trust. It is absolutely the most important thing to a relationship. If you are going to be with someone, you need to believe deep within your heart that they are the only person for you and you are the only person for them. There is a saying that goes, "Love like you've never been hurt" and this is so true. You need to let this guy have his freedom, even if it means still keeping contact with his ex. He went out with her for three years, obviously he cared about her and still cares about her as a person. Would you want him to be able to "just forget" someone that he once shared so much with? Probably not.

You say he lied to you about talking to his ex, and that makes you angry, but why wouldn't he have lied? He knows it would hurt you and you would freak out, so it was probably easier for him to just keep his mouth shut. I bet if you didn't MIND his talking to his ex, he would have no problem sharing with you when she called. Remember that this guy is with YOU not her. If he wanted to be with her, he would be, but he isn't - he is with YOU. The sooner you understand this, the better off you will be. If not, you will ruin relationsip over relationship out of fear of being burned , and you will never allow yourself to truly enjoy the real thing. Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 3:36pm
::If he does not care about her, why is he keeping her around?


The short answer: Because he likes her attention.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 3:38pm
I might agree with you on this, except that he told her he would tell the ex not to call. So he was basically saying anything to appease her so he could continue doing exactly what he wanted to do - taking his ex's calls.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 3:41pm
I disagree with that answer completely. How can you just write someone off that you once shared your heart with? You may have figured out that he or she is not right for you in a relationship, but that doesn't mean you no longer care about their well being. It has nothing to do with wanting attention. That is just immature. It is possible that the ex just feels comfortable talking with him about things since he knows her so well, and that he is too nice a guy to say ***k you. It is possible for mature adults to stay friends.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 3:51pm
Think of it this way. You love an ex as a friend and want to keep in contact with him or her, but your new significant other is ALL bent out of shape and asks you not to talk with the ex. You think this is unfair but agree because you love your new S.O., but the ex still calls you . How do you tell the ex, who do still care about as a friend, to just ***k off??? Maybe you say nicely, "my new S.O. doesn't want me to talk to you anymore so I would appreciate it if you didn't call." But your ex goes through a bad situation and calls you again knowing you'll have the right advice, so you talk to the ex. You don't tell your new S.O. b/c you love him or her and truly don't want to her them, plus you know they'll get all bent out of shape anyway! Now on the other hand, if your new S.O. was cool with you keeping contact with your ex, you would have no problem saying, "hey my ex called today." See my point?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 5:35pm
If they were just friends they would have not taken a break in their friendship, and he wouldn't have HIDDEN the fact that he's back in communication with his ex.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 5:37pm
I follow your logic, but the part of her post I am refering to is this:

He told me that he never really wanted to talk to her. Hence why he does not call her. That was his answer to me for the longest time. He even said, after seeing wha this was doing to me, that the next time she called he would tell her to back off. And when she did call the next time that he would tell me. Well she called again and he lied to me. He did not tell me that she called after he made such a big stink about doing so.

He lied pure and simple regardless of why.


Carrie