Confused - Who's in the wrong??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Confused - Who's in the wrong??
8
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 1:50pm
I have been involved with this man for almost 2 years. I spent a weekend at his place n while he was sleeping, I was playing around on his computer. I came across a list of 'partners'. My name was on the list but was placed at the second last one. Beside the last womans name on the list was " (fat chick from July 2003 long weekend)" That was suppose to be a guys only weekend with him and his buddies. He hasnt told me anything about this. How am I suppose to go on having a so called happy and loving relationship with this man knowing what he did? Knowing that he cheated on me and didnt even have the balls to tell me. How do I question him about it? I know it was wrong for me to look on his computer, but isnt it also wrong that he did this to me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 2:07pm
Sounds like he did what he wanted to do on his long weekend away. If he told you, would it make a difference?

What do you want to do? Stay, work it out, talk to him, go to counseling OR just end it?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 2:24pm
I do love this man very much, and I know he loves me. Assuming he is being truthful, he has told me that dispite his previous relationships, I am the first real serious girl he has loved before. He has never told any other GF he has been with that he loves them, except for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 2:58pm
Hi....I was reading what you wrote and I wanted to tell you that I've been in the same boat...I was playing around on my guys computer and came accross an email from another woman accepting an invitation to go out for drinks with him...The fact of the matter is that you were wrong for snooping on his computer in the first place as was I so just take responsibility for it and tell him what you did...then you can catch him in his lie and you don't feel guilty any more...he can not turn around and blame you for snooping because he cheated which is a much bigger deal...If he didn't want to get caught he shouldn't have kept record of it...Your relationship should be open...you should be able to share everything including his computer..So my suggestion to you is to fess up and don't feel bad about what you did...If he breaks it off with you that's his problem and you could do better anyway...Also, if he's honest about it at that point then you know you are able to work through issues...it's up to you...

Oh, one more thing...are you sure he's only told you that he loves you? Were you there for his other relationships or are you just taking his word for it?

Hope this helps.

Neki

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 5:50pm
I agree with neki, he more than likely told other women that he loves them. Besides if he told you he was going on an all guys weekend and was with another woman, how can you believe anything he says? And if he says you are the one and only now and forever how would you believe that? He probably tells other women that he's on an all guys weekend when he's with you. You have found him to be dishonest. You can choose to confront him like neki said or tell him you're ending the relationship for personal reasons and walk away. You don't owe him anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 11:54pm
I know he was with the guys that weekend. He shows me pictures and I talk to his buddies about the weekend. They always go to provincial parks. He has told me before that years ago when him and his buddies started doing this 'guys weekend' they people who had a campsite beside them were some females.

I guess my question would have to be how do I talk to him about this? How do I start it? I have no idea what to do. I want to continue having a relationship with him. But I dont think it would go over to well, if I just say 'hey dear, why did u cheat on me last summer' How would I start a conversation with him about this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 1:30am
I think neki's idea of confronting your bf is a good idea: "So my suggestion to you is to fess up and don't feel bad about what you did...If he breaks it off with you that's his problem and you could do better anyway...Also, if he's honest about it at that point then you know you are able to work through issues...it's up to you..."

If you feel he has cheated on you, there is an issue of trust. My concern would be that if he cheated and once and lies to coverup, how would you know if he hasn't done it before or won't do it again? And this thing about saying you're the only one he's ever told he loves - that doesn't wash if he's been in other intimate relationships. Don't buy whatever he says just because it sounds convincing. Be careful. Remember there are guys out there who would treat you better than that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 5:47pm
My suggestion to you is to just say exactly what you wrote here. Let him know what you did first. That is what I did. Let him know you want to talk to him and then say, "I wanted to tell you that, that night I stayed over (state the date) I was up late just surfing the web (or whatever you were doing) and I came accross that list of women that you keep that you've dated or slept with and I noticed something odd. That weekend that you were out with they guys is also the date you put on the last woman you were with. Now since we are together and have been for (however long) it seems a little strange to me that you would be sleeping with someone else." DON'T ACCUSE HIM! WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT ACCUSE HIM! You don't really know what happened so you have got to listen to what he says before you jump to an accusation. Say, " I know I was wrong to be looking at your personal things and I had no intention of coming accross things like this but I just wanted to find out from you what happened." MAKE SURE YOU ARE CALM. HE WILL NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU IF HE FEELS THREATENED! Take the time to listen to him. If you want to give him another chance if he does tell you that he cheated that is your issue and tell him that you would like to work through it. If he gives you a good reason why that womens name was on there and you believe him that's great too. All I can say is just be true to yourself. There are other people out there that will take care of you if this man can't be honest. Just keep in mind if he did cheat and you are POSITIVE that he did ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER.

Give it a try. If you loose him just suck it up he's not worth it anyways. I know you say you love him but do you really love someone who treats you like that? There are plenty of fish in the sea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 9:53pm
I would be tempted to print that document and see what he says. But to me, that letter is the writing on the wall. What do you think he could really say to get out of this hot water?

He is clearly in the wrong. And once a cheater always a cheater. I would get out. And consider it his loss, not yours.

All of the posts here are good. Take heed.