confused...to save or not to save

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
confused...to save or not to save
3
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 7:10pm

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. We had a lot of issues that we finally resolved a few months ago. Just when I think things couldn't get any better (talking about marriage, etc), he decides to move a plane ride away to hold onto a job. I'm a law student and can't follow. It hurts that he made the decision without me (he says he discussed it with me, which he did, but his mind was pretty much made up already). Ultimately, I want to be with someone who wants me so bad that he would choose to wait for me to be done with school (that was the plan). Sounds selfish, but I think I deserve that when it comes to someone I would consider marrying. Right? I'm not asking him to miss out on a job but I just wish I was never put in the position to want to ask in the first place.

Now when I see him, he treats me like a queen, but I can't tell if this is the new us or if it's just because we're on "vacation" when we see each other (I do all the traveling...which is typical of our relationship...he is usually more selfish and I rework things to fit his life). It sucks, because I wanted to see how we'd do living our separate lives in the same town so I can see if we've really changed since all of the issues came about. This move is a problem for me, causing me to rethink my relationship; I don't want to be in one by myself. It's as though he gets all of the benefits of having a girlfriend without any of the work that goes along with it.

In the middle of dealing with my relationship doubts, I've become friends with an amazing guy who offers a lot of the things my bf doesn't have. We have so much in common and get along so well. I like him in a way but am afraid to make a decision as though this new guy is a factor. It is definitely possible to make a rational decision based solely on my relationship, but I have to admit, this guy is helping move the process along...showing me what else is out there. We are just friends at this point, but he is interested and willing to wait around as a friend until I figure my life out.

I have just felt so neglected and hurt in my relationship and am having trouble getting past that. I love my boyfriend but don't feel as in love with him anymore. I want things to work really badly, but the whole moving thing really scarred me. I guess in a way I'm waiting for a big gesture to prove to me that he really wants to be in this relationship. But how long am I supposed to wait? I have never been in such a situation and don't know what to do.

Advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 7:13pm

'I have just felt so neglected and hurt in my relationship'

It sounds like you have a few more problems then a move, don't you? If you are not in love with him, then why marry him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 9:40pm
Not all relationships are meant to last forever. And you clearly didn't resolve all your problems or you wouldn't be posting. It sounds to me like you are just not feeling it anymore and you want him to do something to bring back what is missing. If it's not there no big gesture is going to make a difference. You've already got a back up plan - what does that tell you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 4:49pm

Welcome to the board aoaoao,


With your feelings about the move, rearranging your schedule to visit him and the fact that you've met someone else, well, you've already stepped out of the relationship emotionally.