Confusing and frustrated

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Confusing and frustrated
1
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 9:05pm
There are two situations going on here that I really need constructive advice about. The first is that I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. We are both in our late 20s, he just finished college and is working on his M.B.A. We both want to get married. I have wanted to get married for about 3 years now. He is saying that he doesn't feel comfortable getting married now because he does not have a good paying stable job to support us since he is going to school full time. He also says that he doesn't want to go to school part time and work full time because he wants to finish in a timely manner. He also doesn't want to get married and have me be the sole provider. He knows that this

is very important to me and we have talked about it, it's like beating a dead horse. What should I do about this?

The second issues is that

my boyfriend lives out of town about 2 hours away. I live down the street from my boyfriend's mom. We have been close and she views me as being her daughter. Sometimes we go down there and visit him together.

My boyfriend came home during the Christmas holiday and spent time with me as well as his mother. I went back to his house with him and spent the week after Christmas. His mother assumed because I was going that she was going too. I told her no that we were going to spend sometime alone together. She was upset. Today she asks me when is the next time that we are going to visit my boyfriend. I told her that I was going for the Valentine weekend that my boyfriend was planning something for me, I don't know what it is. She gets upset and tells me how long it has been since she has visted him (she has had car troubles)and that there is no reason why she can't go.

She then tells me that I am very controlling at getting what I want. I told her that my boyfriend and I went from spending everyday together (we used to live together) to spend a couple of days together. She said yeah she knew but we would get married and then we would get to spend everyday together.

Then she tells me that she doesn't know why I have it in my head that she is one of those type of mothers that tries to prepare a place for herself so that she will always be there in our business. That is not how she is.

I am so confused. All I want to do is spend sometime alone with my own boyfriend and especially on the weekend of Valentine's day. But even if it isn't Valentine's Day don't I get to spend some time with him alone without her staring at us.





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 10:36pm
My question is: how is he supporting himself now? Is he at school full time and not working? If so, why would he expect anything to change once you guys are married?

Ultimately, if he's not ready to get married, there's nothing you can do about it. But he should understand that marriage is a choice two people make to be with each other, for better for worse. Think about what that means about him that he's not willing to make that choice. His reason is that now is not the right time- he wants to have a good job, etc. But if, after the last 3 years you've been talking about it and the time wasn't right,when *will* the time be right? What if he gets his MBA, gets a good job, but decides the job isn't good enough and asks you to wait longer? My point is, things will never be perfect, and they might never be "just right". Are you willing to wait for him to decide?

About your second issue, stand your ground. What is she going to do when you two are married and spend all your time together without her? Reiterate that you want to spend valentine weekend with him alone- as his girlfriend, that is your perogative and she should respect that. But you can also suggest that you two drive up together at some other point in the new future.