confusing break up

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2007
confusing break up
9
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 7:51pm

Dear Dr. Shoshanna,


I am really confused about what is going on and would appreciate any help/advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 7:56pm

You can't make a friendship work. You broke up with her and in order to heal from a breakup, she needs to be away from you. Trying to be friends would prolong the healing process for her.

I think you seem to feel guilty over breaking up with her - you shouldn't. If you didn't feel a connection to her and if you didn't want to make that commitment to her, then you were right to not lead her on. If you got back together with her, would you REALLY be able to offer the kind of relationship she's asking for?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 8:00pm

You can't ask her to be your friend to alleviate your guilt. It will only hurt her to hang out with you when you don't want to be with her emotionally.


Although the email breakup was less than desirable, it was good that you broke up and didn't lead her on anymore.


I think you just feel devastated for her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2007
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 8:54pm

Eggbertshootsfire


Thank you so much for the input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 9:59pm

Welcome to the board Brad,


I hope you take everyone's advice. You might want to follow the link in my siggy below to the Breaking Up is Hard to Do board here at iVillage.


You are experiencing dumper's remorse - read It's Called a Break up Because it's Broken


Also, at the end of every relationship there is grief to process.


Relationship Grieving Process

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-02-2007 - 2:25pm

Well, for starters, there's no reason for her to remain friends after she's had other feelings. That would be a tease for her. It would help your conscience perhaps, but it's not necessarily fair to her.


It sounds as though you may have many feelings for her that you are not aware of or clear about. You say this is your first serious relationship, and therefore, you are not experienced in dealing with all the different emotions that do and do not go on. Many times we create defenses against our own feelings in order not to become vulnerable. Other times we enjoy a person on one level, but not on another. Perhaps you simply enjoyed her friendship, but did not feel deeply enough about her in a romantic way? That happens. It's not a crime. You haven't done anything to devastate her if that is the case. When two people date they do so in order to find out what really does or does not exist between them. Sometimes a relationship can grow and deepen and many times, it just does not. Although it is painful, it is not that you set out to hurt her. Whenever an individual enters a relationship there is a certain amount of risk involved. Sometimes one person grows to care more than another. In that case, the one who doesn't care as much, (as you described yourself), has every right to end the relationship.


Give this some time. If you keep missing her, take a deeper look inside and see what you are truly feeling. Is it guilt, or did your feelings run deeper than you thought?


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2007
Tue, 10-02-2007 - 6:33pm

Thank you Doc and to all the others,


Let me start by saying that I have been very successful in creating a friend out of her in the last few days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 10-02-2007 - 7:22pm

'She would simply spend the night over probably 4 nights a week, and we rarely saw eachother before 8 or 9 at night.'


To me that doesn't sound like a real

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2007
Tue, 10-02-2007 - 7:55pm
When I say spend the night, I mean come over and hang out...movies and a lot of bar time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 10:03am

Sometimes you can really like someone and enjoy their company, yet know that they are NOT 'the one'.