Confusing 'other man'

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2008
Confusing 'other man'
1
Thu, 05-15-2008 - 5:38am

Hello!

I am currently 7 months pregnant with my first child and got married to my husband last August. We are going through trial seperation because of terrible arguements about things we just cannot see eye to eye on. Im trying my best to understand him but he is an exceptional character and his friends and family all gave me a pat on the back and said good luck at the wedding which was slightly unnerving! One major issue that everyone joked about was that I was marrying 2 men when I went down the isle. One was my husband and one was his best friend. Let me explain:

My husband went to boarding school and took pity on a little boy named Ian who was partially deaf and being bullied. Since that day they have been friends. They are like chalk and cheese - my husband is excentric, flamboyant, theatrical, sociable, loud and motivated and Ian is quiet, calculating, has a regimented routine (bed at 10pm no matter what), no friends of his own, is constantly on the phone to his parents and twin sister and has NEVER had a girlfriend (or any physical encounter with a woman at all). They are both 35 years old.

When I met my husband he was living with Ian and had been on and off for a number of years. I moved in with them and we all ended up living together for 2 years, all three of us. Now, I came along just as they had planned to move to India to start up a business together and in the planning period we were to all move to the Czech Republic to renovate a house my husband had bought. I started to feel a bit bothered by Ian at this point. Bob wanted to include Ian on EVERYTHING we did which included holidays, weekends away, meals out - the lot, and we were living under the same roof with me cooking and cleaning up after them BOTH. And Ian didnt batter an eyelid, infact if he wasnt invited he would kick up a fuss and sulk. Even when my parents came over before the wedding to get to know my husband better, Ian muscled in and followed us around everywhere. Whenever I raised issue with my husband he and Ian would make me feel like I was the wicked witch who was trying to seperate them as friends - which was never the case, I just wanted to do things with my fiancee at the time on his own!!
So, we got married and went to India and I fell pregnant. The plan was to have seperate houses and Ian and Bob agreed to get 2 houses but one would be a weekend house for them both and one would be a work house for them both - leaving no seperation at all. The plan my husband was wanting me to follow was that when the baby came we lived at Ians house (with Ian) during the week with the baby and at weekends Ian would live with us. I flipped at this stage. We had numerous horrible rows and I came home to live with my parents for a while - something my husband has never forgiven me for.

Ian and my husband are setting up a business in India and before I left, while hubby was away in the UK for work, Ian told me that he didnt think i should work within the business with them (I was a manager of clients and art direction for them) because he thought we should seperate work from private life and he couldnt see it working out with my husband and I working in the same business together. He also said he was finding my husband unbearable to be around and that he didnt want to spend so much time with him. A few days ago I withdrew from working with them to concentrate on the pregnancy and baby and my husband flipped about it. He needs me in the business and tried every tactic to keep me on. When I told him that Ian agreed that I shouldnt be in the business he said, and I quote:

"YAWN - will you stop trying to undermine my relationship with Ian, for the record, I will not entertain people trying to damage my relationships, I would do the same for you if someone was dissing you. Whatever you say about him, he has stuck by me through thick and thin - richer and poorer, and put his own savings where his mouth is. "

And it seems as though Ian is doing nothing to defend me - infact he has been stirring it with Bob and making things worse.

The strange thing is that Ian has tried getting his own friends only for my husband to get jealous that he's not invited to go places with them and forcing himself on their trips and meals out aswell and moan at me that he feels left out. This is after shouting at Ian and telling him he needs to get his own life!

I have no idea what their relationship is about, Ive never met guys like it. They are like a married couple and their relationship has ruined my marriage.

Any one shed any light on this bizarre situation?

Thanks so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 05-15-2008 - 12:55pm

Welcome to the board sgreen25,


::Any one shed any light on this bizarre situation?