Confusion
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| Wed, 03-14-2007 - 2:19am |
Ok this is going to be long, but I need any advice that I can get, because at this point in time I am hurt, scared, confused & lost.
I knew J five years ago. We talked on the phone a few times, and occasionally he would come into my work. I was only sixteen at the time, and dating someone. He also eventually started dating someone, and we stopped talking. I had not seen him in five years, and last July when I went out, I seen him. We immediately started hanging out non stop. We seen eachother basically everyday or every other day. We were constantly texting eachother, or I would talk to him on the phone. I got feelings for him extremely fast. I found out in October that I was pregnant. This was unexpected. At the age of twenty one, I was personally not ready to be a parent. At the time J and I were not talking. We had gotten into a big argument. I told him about the pregnancy and he was less thrilled than I was. He wanted me to have an abortion. I was unsure of what I should do. I was not ready to be a parent, and I was trying to work on school. For two weeks, I contemplated what to do, but I ended up having an abortion. It was the hardest decision of my life, but at the time I felt it was the best. I continued to see J. At this time I started talking to his best friend. I was not at all interested in his best friend, but more in what his best friend was saying. His friend told me that J had been seeing other girls from the beginning of us hanging out. He also believed that J wanted me to have the abortion, because of money reasons. I believed this but I continued to see him, because we were never in a committed relationship, and I did care about him. I continued to talk to his friend the entire time, without him knowing. His friend would make comments like J said that he is not happy with you, but you are the type of girl that he should marry, because you can take care of him and you are going to school, and you will have a good job. He also said that J would say bad things about me. In December we started hanging out less, and I suspected that he was with someone else. There was a girl on myspace that would post messages about them hanging out. His friend also believed that J was sleeping with this girl. Eventually I emailed her, and she said that they did sleep together. When I asked J about this he denied the entire thing. Again we were never in a committed relationship. And than later on his friend told me that J was seeing one of his ex's. Apparently this girl is underage. I never told J that I knew any of this, but eventually it got to be too much, and I told him. He freaked out calling me a slut, upset that I had talked to his friend for eight months behind his back. He denied everything. I feel like in a way he is manipulating me, and playing the role of the victim, because I talked to his friend behind his back. He felt that I should start paying for our dates, to prove to him that I do care, because he felt that he was lied to. I feel like that is manipulation, because he still won't admit what he did, because he wants to blame everything on me, and be a victim. He won't admit anything. I just want him to admit it. When ever I bring up anything, he freaks out. He did tell me that his ex wanted to be with him, but that he did not want to be with her. When ever we get into arguments he will make comments about his ex never doing anything like that to him. I tell him to go be with her, and he said it would not work out in the future, which makes me think that maybe it was true, that maybe she was underage. I dont know if he gets off on talking about his ex, or what. I don't know what to do. I know that he is not seeing other people now, but I don't know if I was just last pick. Do I forgive him, because we were never in a committed relationship, and know that deep down he will never admit what he did. Or do I move on, even though its so hard, because he was such a big part of my life. If he would admit everything, I would be ok with that. When he lies, I feel like he is manipulating me.

Welcome to the board missmeganm,
So it is okay for him to be in contact and sleep with other girls because you weren't in a "committed" relationship, however, it is not okay for you. Don't you see the double standard here. His requests that you pay for dates now to show you care is absolutely absurd. I think you need to find a guy with the same values and goals as you. J is not this guy.
glitter-graphics.com
Hi missmeganm,
In addition to the 'double standard' advice you got, which is right on... I want to also add:
For a relationship that wasn't 'committed' you sure invested a lot of time and effort to find out what he was up to with other women. I think that is because your feelings were deeper.