Confusion and uncertainty. :'(:'(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2009
Confusion and uncertainty. :'(:'(
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 7:37pm
Hi there,

I'd love some advice on a situation I unfortunately find myself in. Last December a guy who I met through mutual friends and myself started flirting and what not. We kissed one night over Christmas, we get on excellently, he's lovely and I feel great when I'm around him. We lost contact for abit at the start of the new year but he got back in contact with me at the end of January. We spent the whole month of February and some of March chatting and getting to know each other, though we never met up just texting and what not.

We again kinda lost touch for awhile and he got into a relationship for a month or so. He got back in contact with me when his relationship ended and we started chatting and flirting like before. We started meeting up and spending some time together as well as texting pretty much everyday.

He has a full time six days a week job so he's always busy, this being the reason his relationship was so short lived but we have been doing this for two months or so without labelling it. But of course me being a woman and getting attached to him had made me want to ask some questions about us, as we were both technically single, all along I have been petrified of being one of many women and simply being an option to him.

So Friday night I got up the courage to text him. I started by saying "I'm just curious to know what's going on with u and I?" He replied with "I'm not ready for a relationship really, I work so much I really don't have the time it's nothing against u at all it's just that summer time is busy for me ya know?" I was upset that it wasn't the reply I was hoping for, pulled myself together and said "Ok, I'm not really asking for a relationship or anything but I just like what we have going on, it's relaxed and nice I suppose I just don't want to be one of many or just be something to occupy u until something better comes along...." He replied with "I know what u mean but I won't be committing to anyone for a good while" I said "Ok, I get that. Where do we go from here? Stay the way we are or just leave things?" This is where I become confused.....I had gotten it into my head that he would obviously say leave things it's too hard but his reply was "I don't know, I'm not with anyone at the moment, I don't have the time really, what do u think?" I said "Neither of us have the time really, I don't know I just don't want to be an option to you.." His reply was "I know yeah but I'm not up for committing to anythin...." I said "Yes I get that, I do, what do we do? Leave things?" His reply "Like u have been the only girl I have been with since the ex but I don't know, I suppose when I'm out I would like the option to kiss someone else if I wanted too..."

I said that wouldn't annoy me and that it's more so about respecting each other. That was it then. I'm just so confused. I feel as if he's totally indecisive about stuff, wants to keep me around but wants to keep his options open too.

Should I just cut my losses again?

I really don't know how I always manage to be hurt and never be the girl people are certain they want. :smileysad:

Any advice would be appreciated!

Ali! :smileyhappy:
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 9:01pm

He has been very clear.  Many people are too busy to have the time for a traditional relationship and that will get worse in the future as employer will want people to work longer hours.  Times have changed.  IMO you want commitment too fast.  I suggest enjoy the time together but expect nothing. 


Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 4:24pm
i think you could do either and it wouldn't matter either way to him. It's your choice.
From that little that you have written here, it seems that possibly you are having so much difficulty with finding a guy because you may appear to eager to get into a relationship. You obviously want one very much, have had no luck, and that can translate into coming across to needy and/or smothering. I don't know obviously if this definitely the case or not, but it is something to consider if you feel it may have any truth to it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 10:57am

I think you should do some thinking about why you feel that men don't want a relationship with you.  do you mean that you can't get dates or do you mean that men are attracted to you or want sex with you but don't want a relationship?  Could you ask some close friends if they think you are doing something wrong?  I think that when women have low self esteem, they attract men who tend to use them--a woman with high self esteem & confidence wouldn't put up with that kind of treatment & men know it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2009
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 3:40am
Thanks so much for the replies! :smileyhappy:

I agree with you both, unfortunately I again find that I'm just not a girl that guys seem to want a relationship from. I've been hurt so so much in the past that I was reluctant to get back involved with this person for fear of being let down again but I'm stupidly naive and believe that "everything happens for a reason" and thought that there was a reason he came back into my life, I'd hoped a good reason that would finally give me happiness but no. Now I kinda feel stupid because once again I'm the person who is left hurt and feeling very unwanted. :smileysad:

I was thinking I should text him and let him know that we should put an official stop to it because I feel things are very much up in the air still or should I just leave things how they are?

Thanks for the advice again, beyond appreciate it. :smileyhappy: xx
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 12:16am
He doesn't sound indecisive to fact, to me he sounds crystal clear (and refreshingly honest). He doesn't want a relationship and he wants to be free to pursue whomever he wants to pursue.

If you try to stay "friends" in the hopes that he'll eventually change his mind once he sees how wonderful (and cooperative and non-demanding and accomodating) you are, I think that would be a huge mistake.

I advise you write this one off. Someone who's sure he wants to date you is what I believe you should hold out for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 8:19pm

Hi Ali, I'm so sorry this didn't work out for you.

Truth be told, he's not being indecisive.   He's actually been quite clear about what he wants.  He just wants to concentrate on work and not have to answer to anyone.   In short, he's happy having you as a friend who he sometimes flirts with.   I don't even think that you're a back-up girl for when there's no other option......because if you were, he'd be dating you now.

I think part of the secret about not wasting time on someone who doesn't want what you want is to walk away as soon as you see the signs.   While you'd exchanged some pleasant banter early in the year, him then dating someone else should have been the sign that you weren't his first choice.   If you had a chance with him, he would have offered it to you in the beginning.

sorry I can't be more helpful.