CONSCERNED ABOUT MY FUTURE...
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| Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:38pm |
I'm 27 years old. I'm currently in a relationship that's been off and on for almost 2 yrs now. I think based on my bf and my past together it's safe to say that a future together is just not an option(for me anyway).I guess the thing that I've really been thinking about lately is well.....people seem to think that I am such a great judge of character and that I'm lucky because I always seem to end up dating very handsome,successful,intelligent guys(current bf included)and while this is true I find that the guys that I date do have it together financial,physically etc. but emmotionally they're a mess and as a result I end up hurt everytime. The thing is, I never see this coming because these guys just seem to be regular guys and they treat me really well and they seem to have a really good sense of what they want but then out of nowhere it seems like they change.One day they want to take me to meet their parents and they're telling me how I'm "The one" the literally the following week they say things like" I think you feel stronger about me than I feel about you". I just don't understand. Like I said my bf and I have been on and off because of that very thing for almost 2 years now. He has cheated on me and done such hurtful things to me still I have trouble letting go. My main conscern as I stated is about my future. I don't think bf and I will end up together but the problem is really this.My bf seems to have a real problem with his temper and with communication. I can't express an opinion that conflicts with his because if I do he gets so upset and starts yelling and screaming and being so forceful to get his point across to me and so many times he has done this only to discover that I was right and he was wrong and then he apologizes but in the meantime it really hurts me that he starts yelling so much at me and treats me like i'm an idiot. After he does this though, he starts getting all lovey dovey and expects me to hug him and act nicely toward him and if I don't then there's something wrong with ME and I'M being mean and difficult. He even goes into a rage at times and yells furiously and throws things. He'll start to cry if I don't say what he wants me to say or admit to something that he's acusing me of(which is never true). Last spring we broke up for 4 months and when we got back together was when I started seeing all of this stuff because I had never seen him act that way before at all.
During the time that we were apart(4 months) I went out a few times and mostly had a telephone friendship with a guy at work. He seemed really nice but I expressed to him that I had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn't looking for anything serious right away. He said ok and continued to be really nice to me and told me that he wanted me to meet his family and all of his friends and also told me that he felt that I was perfect and I was the one he had been waiting for his whole life. I got kinda upset with him telling me this partly because I had been down this road before but also because he hardly knew me and we weren't even dating seriously plus the fact that I told him I didn't want anything serious and that I was just getting out of a relationship. Ultimately I ended up telling this guy that it wasn't going to work out because I really didn't feel the same way about him and didn't want to waste his time or cause problems for him down the road. I told him that I just didn't want a relationship with him. He became really upset and started really being argumentative and then he proceeded to tell me that I had emmotional problems and that i was stupid. I couldn't believe he was acting that way so I told him that I was going to hang up on him and I did just that. He called back but I didn't answer my phone. He left several horrible messages calling me all sorts of names and saying the craziest meanest things(mind you I work with this guy). The odd thing is that when we got to work the next day he was very nice and apologized for his behavior and started saying things to try and make me feel sorry for him. I just told him to forget about it and that I wanted our relationship to be strictly professional from here on out and he said ok and it's been that way since then. Shortly after that is when bf came back into my life and we have been together ever since.
I'm really worried because it seems like at this point even if I leave bf which I really feel I should, I'm almost destined to end up with an abusive man be it verbally, emotionally and maybe even physically the next time around. I don't want this for myself. I've seen my mom be hit in the past by my stepfather(she's no longer with him) and I've heard her talk about being hit by my father a long long time ago and she's been in a relationship for over 10 yrs with her bf and he's not physical with her at all but he's very demanding and she's extremely passive. She never argues with anything he says and she always does exactly as he tells her to.I don't want to live like that but is that what I'm heading for? I feel like the older I get and the closer I get to marriage etc. the more abusive the guys i date get. I think that even if I decide to suck it up and stay with bf that it's going to get worse and that by the time it's all said and done I'm going to have possibly no self esteem left and he's going to disrespect me in every possible way every chance he gets and I wouldn't even be too surprised if he became physically violent with me later on down the line. At the same time I feel like if I leave him and even a yr from now start seeing someone new that everything will be fine at first but then he's going to turn into a monster. I know I even think these things and may even KNOW them subconsciously because in just about every dream I have at night people are not who they are supposed to be. I could be having a conversation with a man in a dream and if I turn away and then look at him again he's turned into either another person entirely(literally) or an animal of some sort(i.e cat,dog,horse).This happens in just about every dream I have. Every man in my dreams be it a family member or whatever they completely change form. Maybe I'm just being silly now but this all just really bothers me. I want to have healthy relationships and be happy but how do I go about this when I don't even know where to start to fix the problem. I'm certain there's something wrong with me somewhere I'm just not really sure what it is. Why is it that these guys seem so normal at first? This is so scary to me.
Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated no matter how harsh.
Thanks,
Jolie

Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse -- Gregory L. Jantz
No Visible Wounds: Identifying Nonphysical Abuse of Women by Their Men by Mary Susan
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
The Verbal Abusive Relationships by Dr. Patricia Evans
And since you know what your fears/issues are, please get some counseling to help you work through them before those fears/issues manifest in your life.
Carrie