Constant Lies
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Constant Lies
| Tue, 01-06-2004 - 9:33am |
My daughter (24 yrs. old) has been married for almost 2 years. Her husband is constantly telling her lies (he is 26 yrs. old). They are living with me along with their 6 month old baby. He will not stay at one job for more than a few months, and when he quits a job he lies to her. He tells her he is working and even leaves the house everday and drops off the baby at the babysittter's as if he is going to work. When payday rolls around, he tells her that he lost his paycheck, or the bank lost his paycheck, or worse yet...he lies to her that he made a deposit to their account and then she starts writing checks to pay the bills only to discover a few days later that they are overdrawn. He has ruined her credit (she cannot make her car payments and is facing repossession) because of his lies and refusal to work. She works full-time and was back at work 4 weeks after the birth of their son last year. They are suppose to pay me rent, but are unable to. I depend on the rent to pay my mortgage; hence, I am behind on my mortgage. I am at the end of my rope and I need to ask him to leave if he will not support his family and quit the lying. I personally do not understand why my daughter has tolerated the constant lies. It has definitely weakened their marriage because she does not trust him, and I am at the point that I don't believe anything he tells me. I even called his place of employment yesterday and was told that he doesn't work there. When I approached him about this, he came up with a lie...he says he works there and the manager had made a mistake.
In the beginning I stayed out of this problem because I did not want to appear as a medling mother-in-law, but since this is negatively affecting me and my finances as well as my daughter's, I need to put my foot down. Any suggestions/advice will be greatly appreciated.

Your daughter is married to a liar. That is her choice. Until she ends the marriage, if she ever does, she'll remain in a constant state of unrest, upheaval, financial distress, and constant strain. It is HER CHOICE in choosing to remain married to him.
You're allowing them and the child - for her and the child - to live with you. You've permitted that with a business arrangement that is not being met. Them paying you rent, so that you can pay your mortgage (how were you paying the mortgage prior to this arrangement?).
You're now behind in your mortgage, because she's married to a liar that she refuses to leave adn refusees to accept that she cannot change his behavior nor his values, which are what justify his actions. While you are reluctant, or perhaps refusing, to kick them out.
You've got to separate the facts (the reality) from the "feelings" - which are what at the moment appear to be dictating your actions, which is why nothing is changing except into a more negative downward spiral.
The fact is - they're married. they're legally liable for one another and their child - you're not. The fact is - you've allowed a business arrangement (them paying rent) to discredit your financial/professional/public reputation - due to your being behind because they don't pay you.
While I understand the "feelings" (believe me, I do) that have you believing if YOU don't assist and enable them to have a place to live, food to eat - they'll starve and live on th street with a small child - the reality is they'll do that ONLY if THEY as a couple, or SHE as an individual by severing the relationship with him....don't get up and do something rational, productive, realistic, and successful - it's called getting a job, paying the bills, and living independently so that they're successful as individuals.
So, you tell them on 1-15-04 they'll find themselves without shelter or assistance from you. If you were depending on rent to make your mortgage, rent out their space to someone that is qualified to pay, and pays you the first and last month of the lease in advance (someone unable to do that is unlikely to be able to pay and you'll find yourself in a more precarious legal predicament when evicting them than you will evicting your daughter and her family), along with a deposit for damages and expenses.
Get on with your life. Allow your daughter and her family to make their own decisions, take their own actions, adn live with their own consequences.....I guarrantee you that the severing of this relationship will come much faster if SHE has to deal directly with the reality of living with, being married to, being liable for, and responsible with a liar...than if she has you to depend on, vent to, and get assistance from - so that she can continue to believe that "someday he'll become the person I thought he was when we got married".
Yes, it's tough. And I know that it is going to "hurt" and that is a mild term....however, it is the ONLY reality that is going to get a positive result for you in the short term, and her in the long term.
And if you "just can't" bring yourself to contemplate it.....envission would would happen if this continued for 5 years. With you somehow finding a way to make the mortgage, only to be incapacitated by an accident or illness...with two adults and a now young child depending entirely UPON YOU for support, guidance, assistance, reassurance, nurturing, and providership....becuase that is precisely what you're doing now, and itis precisely the dynamic you're perpetuating.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Carrie
Well, the truth of the matter is that this is none of your business.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
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