contin-abuse past relat.???? help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2007
contin-abuse past relat.???? help
3
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 4:22am
Well last nite I had a pretty emotional conversation with her and as a man if u want to say "I figured her out in a way". My girl has commitment problems and only can wk one day at a time and wants to have her own life seperate from me but not excluding me.
She told me that she likes long distance relationships because she can do anything without someone always there constantly, I dont think she cheats or messes around but just doesnt want that closness. She had lived in PA and her 2 past boyfriends were in the Navy, the first was a pilot who had just gotten over his fiancee cheating on him and had really never opened up with her but treated her right in the same sense and ended up just stop talking to her and then when we first were talking called her and spilled his heart to her and then the next day left to go to cali basically throwing it in her face.
Her boyfriend after that Im not completely sure of but I thk might have just found someone else, he was a navy diver and also was a long distance relationship.
I met her when I was living in NC in the marines and Im out now living not that far and Im thinking that "men" do need someone and do want relationships and she just didnt want that closness to support them, like how most men see a relationship and do need that women in there life. Last nite, she told me to chill out and stop worrying or its not going to work.I asked her if she had gotten any help with her past abuse and said she didnt need and thinks going day by day is going fine.
Seriously I think Im more afraid for this girl than myself, its not fair that she is like this "if u know what i mean". She had just moved from PA" she is a teacher" to VA Beach and basically said she was running away in a sense and wants to start her life over. She wants to meet new people and have fun. Although after thinking about it, she is really not changing. Of course she is meeting new people and having fun doing it but its costing alot in money and its stressing her. She has great friends back home and had fun with them but got bored from going to the same places over and over again. She "we" are so perfect together but this is whats blocking us from complete perfection. What should I do? I more in less want to help her in a way b/I feel this is the case. She is lost.


Edited 7/31/2007 5:17 am ET by jhutman
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 11:52am

Here's the thing, you say she's lost, that she's basically running away..... she doesn't see it this way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 12:29pm

Sigh...what is it that you are asking from us? What do you want to see written here? Some magical assessment of this woman? Or some advice about how to "fix" your r/ship? You claim everything is perfect. You claim she does not want a life exclusive of you...which is completely delusional! Someone who wants to have friends they hang out with and you never meet - is a part of their life exclusive from you. Wake up. It feels wrong to you and you don't like it. Thats obvious or you wouldn't keep posting here. This is a dangerous situation for you bc the more time you invest in this woman, the more pain it may be when it ends.

Whenever someone gives you a sob story of their life - BEWARE. Emotionally healthy ppl may reveal tragedy when you get to know them, but you'll see that they have dealt with it. Its not a giant wall of China blocking your path - as this seems to be. How she deals with tragedy says alot about her character. If she's not aware enough to ask for help and focus on "getting over this" (as best she can) - than that is HER decision. She is still playing the victim for some reason. For you to "feel afraid" for her is RIDICULOUS...thats not the foundation of an equal r/ship.

It sounds like you want to rescue this person. You can't. You also sound like you are a in a holding pattern with your own life so you are focussing on her. If you are planning to move, then focus ALL your energy on your job & house hunting. Once you are settled, then you can start thinking about r/ships.

Good luck!
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 2:35pm
well when i first got out of my abusive relationship, which was 4 yrs long, i thought id never ever want a serious relationship again. not only did he ruin all my friendships, but my perspective of reality. i dont need professional help, i just need time,and my bf now asked me when i first got out of the relationship if i wanted to date guys or hook up and i told him just hook up then a while after he asked me out and i changed my mind, i just wanted freedom for a while, and to not have that anxiety all over again, and i didnt want committment for a while because i was scared, dont keep asking her she will think its a sign of controlling and she will try to get away, u said she said u 2 r perfect, she doesnt want to date u or keep seeing u because shes afraid it wont be as perfect as it started off