continue or end it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2007
continue or end it?
12
Fri, 10-26-2007 - 11:08pm

Relationships have always been an issue as far as finding the right guy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 10-27-2007 - 3:07am

Trueblue, I don't know if you're an Aussie....but if you are, it's a great nickname.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Sat, 10-27-2007 - 11:46am

When questions like yours come up, I do this weird thing: I kind of-- ok, I won't lie, I do in fact compare it to how me and my ex act towards each other. Reason is, my ex-bf sees me, calls me, makes plans ahead of time with me, etc., while the guy you're calling your "actual" boyfriend, isn't really doing any of that.

I'm not trying to sound smug, I'm truly not, I'm trying to say you're definitely settling, but part of the problem is you're also trying to pin it on him. You're hurting yourself too. How can he possibly meet you halfway in the relationship if you're all the way over on his side, doing everything? There's nowhere for him to go.

So easy, so very easy to fall into ruts and routines.

I agree with aisha that what's called for here isn't more patience, because that's exactly what got you in this hole, but rather action. However, I tend to think action somewhat different but along the same lines as what she said is what's actually called for.

First off, Quit calling him every single morning on the dime. You might think what you're doing is sweet, and at first I'm sure it was, but now it's every day the same thing, over and over... Can you say redundant? Routine? Shake things up a little, skip a day or call at a different time. He'll take notice, believe that. Don't tell him why you're doing it, just do it.

Second, don't automatically be there for every single one of his phone calls either. I'm not saying sit there and watch it ring because that's just rude, I'm saying go out and get a life, be too busy sometimes. You're stagnating, chica.

Third, if you're dating, you need to DATE. Actually get dressed up and go out. I don't know why people don't do that. Isn't that the definition of dating? Anyway.. After a year and a half, you can pretty much give him first *dibs* on Saturday night date night, but that doesn't mean he never has to ask you out anymore. He should because that will actually make him appreciate you more, and if he doesn't, you need to make plans every once in a while with other people. I'm not suggesting go out with other guys, necessarily, go out with your friends, but you know, at the same time he's not giving you any real, honest-to-goodness reasons not to go out with some other guy either. He's gotten lazy in this relationship and so have you.

Be the change you want to see. It is not cool for him to say at the last second on Saturday night, "Let's watch a movie." And then it's definitely not right that you always trudge on over and sit there while he falls asleep. Is that your idea of a fun date? Is this even remotely fair to either of you? Of course not. When someone was starting to get really used to making last-second dates with me (he did it three times in a row), I accepted or made plans with a friend on a night that was typically my night with him and he got the hint real quick. Mine stepped up and started calling to make plans earlier in the week. Also, you've been dating a while now, so you can call him up early in the week and ask him out for the weekend. Make actual plans, where he comes to pick you up. Do NOT make a habit of that. You want to inspire him, not do all the work for him.

And oh yeah, no one ever committed to someone because they bent over backwards for them, typically it's because they just really enjoy being with them. Question: Do you actually enjoy the time you spend together? If not, do something about it, and take responsibility, it's your relationship too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sat, 10-27-2007 - 12:27pm

'He seems to only want to see me when it's convenient for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 10-27-2007 - 4:06pm

Hi trueblue3,


I just wanted to say that iv_aisha and Sandra gave you excellent advice and WELCOME to the board!!






iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2007
Sat, 10-27-2007 - 7:10pm

Iv_aisha, thank you for your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2007
Sat, 10-27-2007 - 7:16pm

Sandra, I thank you dearly for your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2007
Sat, 10-27-2007 - 7:19pm

Ciao gina, thank you for your kind response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Sat, 10-27-2007 - 8:03pm

Alright then. :) Come over to my and Carrie's "other" board, we'll give you plenty of shoulders to cry on there.

I know that is difficult. Just for reference, though, hold onto what I said to you anyway, because it's still good advice and will help you for next time ;)

Hugs,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Sun, 10-28-2007 - 8:41pm

I've been where you are. My advise and what worked for me...pull back. Stop bending over backwards. Start going out with your friends. Don't answer all of his calls. You are there to run over when he feels like it. Simply stop doing and watch his reaction. If his behavior does not change...you have your answer.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 1:52am

kick him to the curb, you can't change the spots on

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