Control and Losing Esteem

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Control and Losing Esteem
3
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 2:31pm


I've been in a relationship for 3 years, living together for 2. I would describe myself as a kind-hearted woman with a lot to give, is a good friend and has a solid value system. I'm 37 years old, a small business owner and serve on a couple of non-profit boards.

The problems started between my partner and I about 2 years ago when he was fired from his job about the same time as I started my first location (coffeeshop/Internet cafe). I tried to include him in the business but he didn't have the motivation or skill sets to be a partner. Things got bad for awhile, he threatened to kick me out of the house many times (he rents but is on the lease), was abusive, called me terrible names. I shut down when attacked, so it was not a good situation. After about 8 months he found another job but has since been fired from that too. Now, he's started his own business but is not motivated to put much energy in it. It did frustrate me as I'm a go-getter and have often offered to help him put together a website, business cards and so forth. He complains but doesn't want to do much about things.

We've had so many arguements I've lost count. He's always thinking I'm cheating 9never have), if I don't pick up my cell phone he calls mulitple times and thinks I should recount every part of my day to him so he can a)pick it apart or b)acuse me of cheating. He has very loose ties with family members and has been married twice.

Last weekend he left his email account open, I've never thought to check up on him, but some subject lines read "Miss you Too" "Can't wait to see you". What woman wouldn't open up an email after reading that! Of course I confronted him and he told me it was a woman who he met on the bus commuting to work who now lives in Canada. He admitted he talks to her often about our 'issues'. What makes it hard for me is the fact we had decided to make a commitment to our relationship to see if we could make it work, but he still felt the need to emotionally reach out to this woman.

I asked him to leave, which he did for a couple of days but is now back in the house again. He says he still loves me and I'm the closest he's ever found to a soul mate. He tries to act like nothing is wrong, tries to hold my hand, kiss me but is angry when I pull away. It's like he doesn't want to be an adult.

Anyway, I feel like I've lost myself in this relationship but he has some great qualities that keep me with him. I may have lost enough of my self esteem (which sometimes I think he likes as form of control) to not make a sound decision on this. Am I overreating to this woman? From this message, does it sound like he's a controler?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 2:39pm
It seems like the best thing you could do would be to get your own place and if you want to work on your relationship with him do it on your own terms. He does sound controlling and I personally think one way to regain some of your control and sanity would be to carve out a seperate life for yourself and only allow him access to it when he is capable of behaving like a rational adult. If, once you living situation is not dependent on your relationship with him, you find that his great qualities are worth sticking around for then more power to you. I just think having some space would definately help to put things in perspective.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 2:48pm
He sounds like my husband and he is a controller. My husband feels he has the right to since he works really hard all day and I stay home doing nothing. But your man sounds controlling AND like a LOSER. I mean C'mon He can't keep a job or a marriage, He thinks you're cheating, but it sounds a lot like he is. If I were in your shoes I would kick his *ss to the road. What do you need him for? You sould like a woman with a good head on her shoulders, plus you own your own business. What can he offer you that you can't give yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 3:04pm
I think your screen name is interesting. If you really had respect for yourself you wouldn't have sayed in this situation after the first time he hurt you.

He is a classic abuser. Get out, go to therapy and figure out why you put up with this for so long!