control issues -- is there hope?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2007
control issues -- is there hope?
17
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 4:23pm

I'm a bright, successful woman dating a fellow with less education and world experience. We meet well on a spiritual and artistic level.
The problem? Control. I try to dust, he is concerned about where the spiders will go. I put a log on the fire, he's taking over making small adjustments because the logs are orientated the "wrong" way. I put the kettle on for a cup of tea while he is sleeping in the morning, and he sulks because I used electricity instead of waiting for him to wake up, build a fire, and boil water on the woodstove.

On the plus side, he's very sensitive, into improving himself (in small doses -- not too much at a time), very artistic, and again, we do connect in a spiritual way.

But this control stuff is driving me nuts. He won't let me cook, clean, tidy up...it must sound like a dream to some, but when it's because he thinks I'm not doing it "right", the dream becomes a nightmare. On the big stuff I don't feel controlled (career), but on so many little things there is a stranglehold.

Is there ANY hope?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 4:54pm

Welcome to the board rosie333,


::I try to dust, he is concerned about where the spiders will go.


:: I am sorry, but this cracks me up. Does he really want spiders in the house?


To me it sounds like he might have a bit of OCD. Knowing this is the way he is, can you still be in a relationship with him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2007
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 5:03pm

Yes, I can see the humour value in it. Yes, he _really_ is concerned about where the spiders will go. It drives me nuts.

He said when we first got together he was kind of compulsive about things. I don't know much about OCD. Can you (or anyone else) recommend any resource to find out more?

He's so sweet in many ways, I'd really like to get past this. I just feel so completely unimportant when all this little stuff takes priority in his mind... I mean, really, the spiders are more important than having a clean house????

Thanks,

rosie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 5:15pm

Rosie,


Try checking out this link about OCD http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/OCD


If this is what he truely has, I think it is very hard to get a handle on. Does he seem to realize that this requests of his are a little strange.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 5:16pm

Welcome to the board Rosie,


His problem, while it may make you feel the way you do, really doesn't have anything to do with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2007
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 5:28pm

Thanks for the links and support. I'll check them out -- it'll help me to understand where he's coming from.

Yes, I have been letting him do all the housework. The problems are
1) when he is so overworked by all of his self-imposed requirements that there's little time for us to connect.
2) And when he is using my things and gets incredibly upset when I want them well treated (teapot cleaned, pan not overheated and burned).

He doesn't see anything he does as unreasonable. On the contrary, he thinks I'm being disrespectful to him by not asking him to clean out the teapot (after it has been used daily and not cleaned for several weeks). He is obsessive about some things but can live in clutter and dirt and spiderwebs...

I'm at my wit's end, being made to feel a villain for wanting a clean teapot and to dust!

Thanks for being here...it really helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2007
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 5:31pm

Forgot to say - no, he's not on any meds and I think would resist the idea to his dying day. He'd be happy to try things like changes in diet, but not meds.

Thanks again...

Rosie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 7:52pm

To be honest, I guess I'm wondering why you're so surprised about his behavior. You did say your connection with him is in the artistic and creative, spiritual realm. To me, it doesn't sound OCD at all, it sounds like he's trying to learn to live in harmony with fellow living things. I'll bet he has a hard time using chemical cleaners, etc, am I right? His concern for the spiders, while it may sound a bit odd to us because we've been conditioned to see them as pests, are actually quite Zen or Buddhist, live and let live, harm no living thing. The fact that he's concerned about how fire will burn in his presence tells me he's a bit into Feng Shui.

What you see as controlling I see as eclectic, then again, I'm not right there on the receiving end with you. Point is, he's not wrong for thinking, acting, or feeling the way he does, but neither are you. He sounds like a naturalist, you don't seem to be, for you it sounds like it's something quaint, whereas for him it's a lifestyle. If you cannot accept him EXACTLY as he is without thinking there "must be" something wrong with him because his ideas are different from yours, you both probably deserve to be with someone else.

Wish I had better words for you, but I honestly don't have them. I think you two are just too different in basic character in personality for this to be successful over the long haul. That is, unless you are each willing to dig a little deeper with a very OPEN MIND as to what the reasons are behind the quirks.

Good luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2007
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 4:52am

Point taken, Sandra... I'm Buddhist myself (he's not) so understand about spiders. Yet he was upset about a spider web that was broken and no longer used. So his comment made no sense... he said he was concerned about if the spider was happy, but the web was hanging in shreds before I did anything.

I'm happy to meet him more than half way in a lot of things. He crossed a line the other day, though. He was using something of mine and I requested him to not do something to it (I explained it's an object to me from childhood and it's important to me that it to remain in good condition). He disagreed that what he was doing might mar it and got extremely upset because I wanted him to work with it differently. I gave up and let him. Now it is marred. It will never be the same, and there's not so much as a "Gosh, I'm sorry". No recognition that he marred it, no recognition that perhaps I had a right to ask him to treat it respectfully. I suggested just giving it to him now that it is marred, and his reaction? He thought that's a great idea.

Very sad his need to have things a certain way blinds him to the fact that others -- including his girlfriend -- might see things differently and need things to play out in a different way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 5:55am

Insofar as spiders can feel happiness, they are happy being busy and seeking prey. A broken web means that a spider has found another place to build and another vantage from which to seek prey, so it is having as much fun as if it were on a Vegas vacation. Spiders were protected in my father's house when I was growing up, so I have sympathy with part of his viewpoint; however, my father did not make my mother nuts by correcting her all the time or ignoring her when she tried to protect things.

I don't remember how long the two of you have been together, but let's look at the interface between your life and his behavior if things continue. Say it's ten years down the road. He is STILL correcting everything you do in the house, damaging your cooking equipment and other belongings, and disregarding your feelings about these issues. By now you have children, and he is hounding them in the same way, as well as teaching them to damage things without apology and to have no regard for your feelings. To me, that sounds like a bleak future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 9:30am

I was with a man like this for over a year. Well we didn't have the spider issue but the control factor. Everything he did was right and I was questioned on everything I did. He had no respect for my things but I better have a lot of respect for his. It only got worse as time went by and I ended the relationship.

The fact that he has no respect for your things and refuses to listen to simple requests from you on how to treat things speaks volumes to me. Unless he is willing to meet you halfway on this stuff...I really don't see this working out.

LG
LG

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