control issues -- is there hope?
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| Mon, 10-29-2007 - 4:23pm |
I'm a bright, successful woman dating a fellow with less education and world experience. We meet well on a spiritual and artistic level.
The problem? Control. I try to dust, he is concerned about where the spiders will go. I put a log on the fire, he's taking over making small adjustments because the logs are orientated the "wrong" way. I put the kettle on for a cup of tea while he is sleeping in the morning, and he sulks because I used electricity instead of waiting for him to wake up, build a fire, and boil water on the woodstove.
On the plus side, he's very sensitive, into improving himself (in small doses -- not too much at a time), very artistic, and again, we do connect in a spiritual way.
But this control stuff is driving me nuts. He won't let me cook, clean, tidy up...it must sound like a dream to some, but when it's because he thinks I'm not doing it "right", the dream becomes a nightmare. On the big stuff I don't feel controlled (career), but on so many little things there is a stranglehold.
Is there ANY hope?

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"He doesn't see anything he does as unreasonable. "
This says it all to me. A person who thinks he has nothing to change is a person who will NOT change. Therefore, your options are:
a) stay with an obsessive, controlling man who will probably only get worse
b) save your sanity and leave
He may be very sweet and caring, but that is commonly the other side of men who are controlling. I'm sorry but I don't foresee any woman having a healthy, successful relationship with a man like this.
Sounds like he's a control freak - and his need to control arises from his own inner insecurities and other issues, it has nothing basically to do with you. However, as you can see even now, it will certainly affect you greatly if you choose to remain with him. A healthy relationship is one in which each couple can be who they are, do what they feel is important and respect one another's styles and also respect the differences. If he can't tolerate your just taking normal actions and being who you are, if he judges and blames you, then this is not a healthy situation for you, it certainly can turn into a prison without bars, and a way to do damage to your self esteem. Unless he recognizes that he has a problem, and is willing to really work on it professionally, there isn't much hope that this will change.
Best wishes,
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"He may be very sweet and caring, but that is commonly the other side of men who are controlling."
I'm _really_ interested in this statement, as I've dated a couple of sweet, caring guys who ended up being very controlling. Can you recommend any reading or websites to explore this further? Maybe if I understand it better, I won't fall into the hole yet again.
Thanks,
Rosie
Rosie:
::I'm happy to meet him more than half way in a lot of things. He crossed a line the other day, though. He was using something of mine and I requested him to not do something to it (I explained it's an object to me from childhood and it's important to me that it to remain in good condition). He disagreed that what he was doing might mar it and got extremely upset because I wanted him to work with it differently. I gave up and let him. Now it is marred. It will never be the same, and there's not so much as a "Gosh, I'm sorry". No recognition that he marred it, no recognition that perhaps I had a right to ask him to treat it respectfully. I suggested just giving it to him now that it is marred, and his reaction? He thought that's a great idea.
This is NOT A NORMAL reaction.
Hmm, I wish I had more concrete evidence to back that up... The reality is, it's mostly a statement due to personal experience and the observation of people around me.
I suppose when I think about it, the reason controllers can often act super nice/caring/considerate might be one of the following:
a) a desire to "make it up" to the other person
b) feeling of guilt
c) realization that the relationship would end if they acted horribly all the time
d) possible bi-polar disorder
At least those are the traits I notice, and it's definitely not limited to men - I see it just as often in controlling women.
I hope you never have a relationship with a controller again... Sometimes they're hard to avoid because they often act so sweet at first, but if he starts asking you not to see your friends, telling you what to do, criticizing how you eat/act/talk, making jabs at your family or close friends, those are warning signs for someone who could easily turn out to be someone who intends to exert control over you.
I hear you on the spider web, and you're right, the comment makes no sense with that extra bit of detail.
To have no respect for something which was important to you, I have a really hard time with that. Some people believe it's best not to have an attachment to things, and that's fine-- for them. Something important to me that represents something from my childhood, well, that's off-limits, or treat it with respect, you know? But that's me. So like I said, if you cannot accept him as is, then let him go and find someone you can accept as they are. You'll be happier that way.
Good luck,
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