Controlled Or No??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Controlled Or No??
4
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 5:13pm

I have been dating this guy for almost a year now. At first it was just fun and a good time. But then we started to get serious. It all started by me talking to a guy who I have been friends with since preschool. It turns out my boyfriend didn't like him and told me not to talk to him anymore. So I started to talk to him when my boyfriend was not around. Not flirting or anything. Not on the phone. Just every once in a while if I saw him I would talk to him. When my boyfriend found out I was still talking to him he got very angry and gave me "punishments" for talking to him. At first I laughed thinking he was joking and said ok. But it turns out he is not joking. I'm not aloud to go shopping, get on myspace, or talk to my best friend. Everytime I do something wrong in his eyes I get a punishment. Right now he is threatening me saying that I won't get to go on a family vacation to Florida and will have to stay home. This is only everyonce in a while and normally we have a great time laughing and hanging out. I love him more than anyone in the world but I'm nervous that this controlling side of him could get stronger. I was wondering if this is a sign of potential abuse or if more of this could happen? What do you think I should do?

~Controlled?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 6:46pm

First up, you've handled the initial problem wrong. When he wanted you to stop speaking to this old friend, instead of lying and hiding, you should have stood up to him. You should have been open about your intentions to continue seeing this man as a friend and told your boyfriend to either accept it or move on.

But that is all water under the bridge now.

Yes, his controlling behaviour could get worse....but before breaking it off with him, I'd start by rejecting his "punishments" and seeing what happens. You do know that you don't have to do what he says, don't you?

While he does have the right to not take you on vacation with his family, he cannot prevent you from going shopping, using myspace or speaking to your friends. He's not your father and you shouldn't let him act like it.

If he tells you that you can't do *whatever*, remind him that he's not your father and you will do whatever you please. Yes, it could cause more arguements....but the result will show you whether he's seriously clueless and can learn new ways...or whether he's controlling and abusive.

However the bigest problem here is not about him being controlling. Instead it goes back to you and the reasons you let him control you. Why do you accept his efforts to control you? Or are you also also naive in what a relationship involves?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 8:40pm

WHY do you accept these "punishments"? Do you actually do what he says?

Is he your father or your partner?

It's VERY controlling for him to act this way. I agree, you need to reject the punishments and live your life like an adult. If he freaks out, then you know what you'd be in store for if you stay with him. It will likely get worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 9:31pm
If you have any sense of self-respect, get out of this relationship NOW. Walk, don't run. Don't have a heartfelt chat. Don't let him voice his opinion. Don't even have a discussion. Just say "I can't take the way you're treating me and I'm leaving." end of story. No second chances.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 1:27pm
This is a very sick relationships. Get out and figure out why you allowed yourself to be punished for so long so you don't wind up with another man who is controlling and abusive.