Controlling Husband/Bossy Daughter
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| Mon, 05-24-2004 - 11:02am |
Some may have read my previous message about Controlling Husband. we have been married 8 months now. We live in my house from previous marriage with my son, age 12 and daughter, age 22. Daughter graduated from College yesterday. Two days before, I approached my daughter and said how about a small gathering after graduation for a champagne toast with a couple of her friends and family. She asked if she could invite her father (my ex). I said I would have to check with my husband before I could say either way. Well, a couple of days go by, and nothing more was mentioned.
After graduation, my daughter came up to me and my husband and said "Dad is coming over afterwards to the gathering" My husband went bulistic and started yelling, he is not invited over. My daughter got very angry, yelled back and said, "fine, I will go and tell hime" and stormed away. Then my husband went on to yell at me how I had agreed not to have him over (which was his decision) and started yelling at me in front of my daughter's boyfriend and everyone. He said, I am leaving and not coming back until the next day, that I can find my own ride home. He could have left me, my daughter and her boyfriend stranded at the graduaton. He had MY CAR also. Well, he didn't. Then he apologized and went over to the ex and re-invited him. Who knows what they might have said.
I feel as though my daughter slung mud in my face and then I got it from my husband. I was caught in a cross fire and I took the bullets. In the beginning, I only wanted to have a gathering for my daughter, which turned out to be a yelling fest at me. I can't help but think both were very disrespectful to me and I am very angry at both of them. Am I wrong or did they both act poorly? Please advise before I do something I regret.
God Bless
Nancy

I personally feel that both of them have been disrepectful to you, it`s` a shame that their inconsiderateness turned what should of been a happy time to an unhappy one.
They could of explained to you how they felt without being rude!
Hope things work out for you.
Good Luck.
nancy.
you really really need to UNDERSTAND and ACCEPT that you are in a VERY UNHEALTHY marriage. until you can truly accept that, you are going to be wasting a LOT of time, effort, and energy, trying to understand things in your life in a 'normal' sense. you can't. your life is difficult because you are choosing to remain in an unhealthy situation.
i am not being harsh here, or cruel (even if it may seem so). i am being honest with you, and i can be honest with you because i myself was in a very unhealthy marriage myself. and its VERY VERY difficult to be able to get up and say "this stinks". i know - its very hard. and its even harder when its your second marriage - because it makes you feel like a real failure and a fool. (again - i have BTDT).
but until you can accept this -you are going to be putting all your energy into this type of questions: was he right? was i wrong? was my daughter wrong? etc etc
*THIS* is bad. this entire situation is bad. now whatever it is that your dd did (and i still don't undestand what was so wrong), NOTHING (absolutely nothing) that she did can justify what your husband did. that kind of normal is just downright ABUSIVE. yelling? screaming? threatening to drive off (IN
Sorry, my two cents.
Coolas
As I see it, your daughter did absolutely nothing wrong here. She asked if her dad could be invited. You did not get back to her about this (which really was your responsibility). She went ahead then and invited him. This was her day, her graduation and in many, many families a father is naturally included in a celebration of this kind. Her inviting him is understandable, especially as you did not get back to her about it. Your husband's behavior was awful, both to her and to you. You need to work on your relationship with your husband. His public abuse of both you and your daughter on "her" special day
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"I said I would have to check with my husband before I could say either way". Interesting that you use the phrase 'have to' not 'want to' and the word 'could', instead of 'would'. Why? She's *your* daughter and it's *her* graduation and he's *her* father and it is *your* house. Why is it *his* decision?
"Well, a couple of days go by, and nothing more was mentioned". Why? You told her you would have to check with H but, you didn't? Why not? I'm guessing that you already knew what his reaction would be and you wanted to avoid that. You were probably hoping it would just get dropped.
Nancy, you did not come back to your daughter to tell her there was a problem with her Dad being included so, how could she know? If your H had a problem having the man in the house, you could have changed locations to something more suitable. He could have chosen to come to the ceremony but skip the party. At the very least he would have had his shouting fest in private. You could have prevented this incident. IMO, you should take the responsibility for dropping the ball on the communication. (although I do understand your reason) It's unfortunate but, these same type of problems will continue to occure, if you are afraid to approach your H and do not, or can not, expect co-operation from him with even the most natural requests.
Now, your husband. His behaviour was truly horribly. I'm sure both you and your daughter felt like crawling under the closest rock. BTDT. But, like I said, you're probably accustomed to stuff like that from him, just maybe not in public. I remember the first time stbx took the verbal abuse public. I was devistated but, somehow the blame got shifted.(it always did and it always got worse) I have a feeling that is what is happening here. Your daughter did nothing wrong in wanting her father there to share her day.
I feel very sorry for your daughter in this situation. What should have been a wonderful, celebratory day for her, turned into an ugly incident, for which she is wrongly being blamed. (Maybe you *should* think about two weddings if this H is still in charge)
Keep looking up^, Susan.
Thanks everyone for their advice and feedback. I guess I messed up on this one. It is so hard to know what to do sometimes. To rectify things, I sincerely apologized to my daughter (I never really blamed her to begin with and told her that). I went on to say, that I was at fault for dropping the communication regarding this, and that my husband is more at fault for yelling at both of us. She seemed to accept this. I guess my problem was I was forced into a situation I didn't like, same as my husband. She is having a big graduation party next week with both my family and my ex's. There is a lot of bad history here and I had asked her if we could have this separated somehow as the ex's family are very nasty to me. She wouldn't think of it.
I have supported my daughter both financially, and physically throughout the years, yet she is more dedicated to her father. Her father was a total louse to me during our married years, he stalked other women, cheated on me, and when he left, left me with all the outstanding bills ($50,000 plus), I was left to take care of 3 children on my own, put 2 through college, house and support them, yet, I had to swallow my pride, which I did and have the ex over.
Bottom line, I told my husband he was way out of line. My husband proceeded to apologize to both my daughter and her dad, and invited her dad over. So in the end, all went well. It was a blowup that was rectified, thank God.
God bless and thanks.
Nancy