Controlling or overreacting?

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Controlling or overreacting?
9
Sun, 06-02-2013 - 8:06pm

I have been married for almost 10 years.  Our marriage has a few problems.  Both of us have things each of us need to work on.

Without boring you all with details, I just have a question.......  

In your opinion, if you were shopping with your children at Target and you both agreed earlier what was needed at Target.

I had found a few (I think 4) items of summer clothing that were on clearance for our 2 children.  My DH found me headed to the checkout, stopped me in the main isle and looked in the shopping cart.  He said, "What is all this stuff?"  as he grabs the 4 items of children's clothing.  He stated, "We did not agree you were shopping for kids cloths today" and he grabbed the cloths out of the cart and started to walk away to go put them back on rack.  By the way, our kids DO need a few more summer clothings and I figured these were each like $3 or $4, totalling about $16 (I price checked them on those red scanners).  No, I did not check with him prior, but I am an adult.

So, he became angry and I told him if he walks away with the cloths I had in the cart and goes and puts them back, I am going to have a major issue with him and I feel that he would be controling towards me.  He gave me a dirty look, walked away and put the cloths back.

What I want opinions on is:  how would you feel if this happened to you?  Do you think this is a controlling type behavior him doing this?  Or I am overreacting?  He did yell at me while this was occuring, again telling me we did not agree to do any other shopping.  I asked him to lower his voice, people were looking at us.

Thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 06-02-2013 - 9:16pm

Miracle, iV is actually letting me post for a change.  Anyway, your DH's behavior was totally inappropriate, even if you had agreed about spending.  There was no need for him to get bent out of shape or yell in public.  If my DH had done this and I had the keys, he would have been finding his own way home.  Not overreacting at all, we have to pick our battles and this one points to somebody having a hissy fit. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 06-02-2013 - 9:26pm

I think a lot of it depends on what kind of financial plan/budget you have.  Do you have a tight budget and have agreed on not spending anything outside budget without first consulting with eath other?  Do you have a track record of staying on budget or do you tend to over-spent?

DH and I have separate finance.  We both contribute to household expenses.  But as long as the bills are paid, he does not ask how I spent "my" money, and vice versa. 

So to answer your question, it really depends on how you two have agreed to handle finances and your budgeting style.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-03-2013 - 7:03pm

I would be super angry and I agree that it's controlling.  Unless as the OP said, you are extremely tight on budget and really need to watch every penny, but you also said that the kids need more summer clothes--what does he expect them to wear?  If you had gone another day maybe you wouldn't have found those bargains.  So unless you are really desperate for money, it just seems like a control issue--it's not like you decided to buy some item that cost a lot of money without discussing it.  When I was married we only discussed major purchases beforehand.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 06-04-2013 - 12:49am

  This could be a lot of different things.  One possibility is miscommunication.  What were you in target for? did you just "discover" these items.  Was this a en passant impulse?  Those are questions I  am not clear on..

Goldfish

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 12:20pm

Him not agreeing to the idea of spending this money on kids clothes is one thing, but the way he reacted was totally out of line. He could have chose to discuss this with you rationally but instead he acted like a child. I have a feeling this is not exactly a new behavior for him?

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 2:00pm

sunset5000 wrote:
<p>I have been married for almost 10 years.  Our marriage has a few problems.  Both of us have things each of us need to work on.</p><p>Without boring you all with details, I just have a question.......  </p><p>In your opinion, if you were shopping with your children at Target and you both agreed earlier what was needed at Target.</p><p>I had found a few (I think 4) items of summer clothing that were on clearance for our 2 children.  My DH found me headed to the checkout, stopped me in the main isle and looked in the shopping cart.  He said, "What is all this stuff?"  as he grabs the 4 items of children's clothing.  He stated, "We did not agree you were shopping for kids cloths today" and he grabbed the cloths out of the cart and started to walk away to go put them back on rack.  By the way, our kids DO need a few more summer clothings and I figured these were each like $3 or $4, totalling about $16 (I price checked them on those red scanners).  No, I did not check with him prior, but I am an adult.</p><p>So, he became angry and I told him if he walks away with the cloths I had in the cart and goes and puts them back, I am going to have a major issue with him and I feel that he would be controling towards me.  He gave me a dirty look, walked away and put the cloths back.</p><p>What I want opinions on is:  how would you feel if this happened to you?  Do you think this is a controlling type behavior him doing this?  Or I am overreacting?  He did yell at me while this was occuring, again telling me we did not agree to do any other shopping.  I asked him to lower his voice, people were looking at us.</p><p>Thanks for reading.</p>

I'd feel publically humiliated, I'd feel lied to and I would feel as if I was a child and he was my parent.

I don't think you're overreacting.

Yes, it is controlling behavior because he didn't have to make a public display, especially when he was in the wrong.  He made a choice to embarass you over $16.

I would go back to Target when he wasn't there and get those items back.  The children can't go without clothes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 06-07-2013 - 2:12pm

It did sound like he humiliated you in public..

Like the OP said I would leave him home and go back and buy the clothes. Men dont notice those things anyway so if you get the clothes on your own he wont know they are new.

When I was married to ex when he went nutty in a store I soon enough didnt take him anymore and from that I went shopping alone.. Now I am thinking they do it on purpose.. Maybe your Hubby didnt really want to be there and that was his way of lashing out.. Never the less it wasnt right..

Tell him how you feel and dont go shopping with him anymore.. I am hoping you have your own money somewhere to spend..

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Fri, 06-07-2013 - 5:50pm

Ok, starting to type, waiting..... wow, ok, so far iVillage is letting me post and not logging me off.  I have tried to respond to all of your posts, but have not been able to log on here.

Thank you all for taking time to respond.  I can understand that it was hard to answer my question, as I did not give a whole lot of details about our budget.  I just didn't want to post a real long story and have you all falll asleep out of boredom Laughing

I agree with everyone.  I like what  *Khatru1*  wrote, something about this behavior he displayed is maybe not new to him or however it was worded.  You are exactly correct, this is NOT a new behavior for him!!

I think what it all comes down too is how he treated me in public, like a child.  I don't know how to answer some of the questions I was asked other then, I was getting our daughter a swimsuit and some makeup.  So, in a way, he was right, we did not agree that I would purchase the $16 or so of other summer clothing.  We are currently on a tight budget, so ok, I will give him that.  BUT, was it necessary to yell at your wife in the isle, saying things about not needing these items or that I should not be spending the money?  So, I see both sides, but how I was treated was innapropriate and very embarrasing.  

I could get into our budget and that would make more sense, but maybe the issue here really is not what happened at Target, but rather, how to respect another person, right?  What do you all think?

A few of you mentioned going back to Target and getting these 4 items, I have considered doing that. Tongue Out

I don't know.  I really don't know what to think anymore.  We are coming up on our 10 year anniversary.  Yes, we tried counseling.  Right now, we are both reading the book, "The Everything Guide To A Happy Marriage"  (I think that is the title).  But, he has not started reading the book.  He told me, "You start the book first and then I will catch up, because I read faster then you."   Ummm, hmmm, thanks for the compliment, you know?

I just don't know.  Thank you all for your imput.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 11:55pm

He's a controller, and an obnoxious one at that!  I was married to a controller!  After my first son was born, I wasn't allowed to go back to work (most wives didn't in those days) because I might talk to a man there!  So, he was the one making the money, and he could throw it away on booze and women, but I couldn't buy my kids underwear without his permission, because I didn't work, it was HIS money!!!  I learned to ignore his stupidity, and I would just go shopping with a neighbor, and he never even knew I bought anything.  Eventually, it got worse and worse, and I finally got a divorce!  He was outraged!  He was an alcoholic, he would come home late and drunk, and he totally ignored his sons.  Or he yelled at them!  No one needs to live like that, and I got out.  I waited 20 years, I wish I'd done it sooner.