Controlling Selfish Behavior

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Controlling Selfish Behavior
10
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 3:47pm

i could go on and on about the last 4 years of my relationship and all the times i feel my boyfriend has micromanaged me. But i won't. I will give one example from last night and see what you think of it:

My 11 year old son asked last night if he could have our pasta leftovers from dinner for his school lunch today. I said sure, sweetie. no problem. My boyfriend glanced at me, gave me a dirty look and then proceeded to eat his meal and all the leftovers. This morning he told me to "stop promising Sam so many things. You have spoiled him enough as it is. He should be grateful for whatever he gets without asking."

Last week--OK here i go--my boyfriend called and asked if i would make dinner for a friend of his/mine. I told him i was very tired and that i really wanted to watch Barak Obama speak and see a college football game on television that night. I told him i would love to cook for his friend/entertain the following night or over the following weekend, but that that evening was not good for me. He scheduled the dinner anyway. And, of course, i had to shop and cook the meal.

I know now i must learn how to SAY NO--no ifs, ands or buts.

What do you think of these two examples.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 3:54pm
Here's what I think. based on these two small examples: your boyfriend is a total jerk. Someone who eats the leftovers so an 11 year old kid can't have them needs to be put out to pasture. What an ass.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 4:20pm
Clarice, this isn't the first time you've posted about this guy, and he hasn't improved.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 4:29pm

i know. i looked earlier for my earlier posts and they are no longer available. i wanted to see what i wrote about him last time.

i have all but lost a sense of myself. i seem to be unable to end the relationship. i am in therapy. he would not go until i told him Tuesday that i would end the relationship if he did not go.

He tells me i am the trouble in the relationship. Everything is my fault.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 4:39pm

The real questin in all this is what in the world are you doing with someone like that? Do you enjoy being abused? Do you not feel that you deserve someone who is loving and respectful of you? Why in the world would you cook the dinner after you told him you were so tired. It is abusive for him to invite this friend over after you told him how tired you were and you were also being abusive to yourself in cooking it. I think you truly need to work on your own self esteem and feelings of value. Perhaps some good therapy would help you understand how you've gotten caught in a pattern like this.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 4:42pm

Here's one, posted on Problem Solving for Couples:


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcouplescou/?msg=11201.1


I'll look for others.


Okay, there's one

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 7:54pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 10:13pm

Welcome to this board claricews,


I didn't read the previous posts on the other boards, but I think you've gotten good advice about visiting the Abuse board. I'd also recommend you seek counseling to help you figure out why you've allowed yourself to be treated this way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 10:52pm

I went back and read all of your previous posts. Wow. Have you reread this one?:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rltoxicrelat&msg=2116.1&ctx=128

(Sorry, I don't know how to create a link...)

You need to read that. That was posted in 2005. So, if you refuse to leave, why don't you just accept that your boyfriend is a selfish, controlling person who exhibits selfish, controlling behavior.

I'm sorry, but it's not just you and your boyfriend in this relationship. It is your son, as well. How can you possibly stay with this guy who not only is a total abuser, but is SO childish, SO mean-spirited, when you have a child living with you? You love him, I get that. But your son comes first. I am in no way implying you are participating in abusive behavior, but your son deserves better than being involved in this relationship. Reread all your old posts, how you say you "already know" what you should do, and I think you'll agree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Fri, 09-05-2008 - 12:02am

wow. that is pretty powerful. 2005. may, i think of 2005. i need to think for a bit. thank you. when i read this now, it feels like i have so much more of a voice than i do now.

tonight, i told him i wouldn't bug him anymore--because i know he is very sick and he won't change--i didn't say the last part. i read a lot today on the abuse board--and it is as complicated as the posts say it is. He listened and told me everything was my fault anyway, because i have "too high of expectations." just a note: i was married for 18 years and had only a handful of fights my entire married life. i treated my ex husband with respect. we were friends; like roommates. his ex wife has said all the same things to him as i have said. her favorite word for him is narcissistic. today he told me he cannot understand, at all, what i am talking about. none of the examples make sense at all to him. . . he told me over the weekend, that i was the most controlling person he knows. i am not. believe me, please. but i do sometmes stand up for myself when he derails things for me for no reason whatsoever except to exert his control. So, yes. i guess in his mind i am controlling, because i am desperately trying to take control of my own life.

there you have it. it's classic, isn't it? i will leave him, the only question is when? I have a history of never being able to leave a relationship until i have a new one , but that is a real, sad fear of my own. . . just being honest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Fri, 09-05-2008 - 2:11am

Well, your post was in 2005. So are you going to wait another three years? I'm going to steal a line from Dr. Phil: What is worse than staying in an abusive relationship for one year? Staying in that relationship for a year and a day.

So you've been in this relationship for four years. Don't stay another day. Your boyfriend is a classic abuser. Controls everything and then turns it around on you. Tells you your expectations are too high.

Well, this is obviously just the way he is. What's going to happen? Are you going to try to solve it by getting married (I noticed in your older posts, you refer to him as your fiance)? Then end up spending twenty years trying to change him and/or deal with it before you give up and get divorced? Your son has at least seven more years at home. HE DESERVES BETTER.

These are all harsh comments, but you've been mulling this over for at LEAST three years out of a four year relationship. 75% of your relationship has been you acknowledging your boyfriend is abusive. So, like I said. To answer your question of WHEN? NOW. I understand what it's like to be codependent. TRUST ME. I was too for so long. And it'll suck really bad, but with a good support system of friends, counseling if you need it, and goals for yourself, you'll get through it no problem. Seriously, I'm sure there are so many things you want to do. But the fact is, if you continue to waste your time with this abuser, your energy will get sucked up trying to change him or change yourself so you're accepting of his behavior. You. Will. Regret. It. I promise you. PLEASE consider it, and I mean REALLY take a step and move on.