cought between kids and husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2008
cought between kids and husband
10
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 12:40pm
I'll make it short, since I have to go to work. I'll be posting more later. Me and H met 4 yrs ago, got married Sept 2007 I have three daughters from previous marriage, they are grown up. The middle lives with me and my youngest (19) just got pregnant had a fight with boyfriend and moved in with us. My H does not want her here, I can't throw her out because shes pregnant. What do I do? Should I leave my H and move in a house with my daughters or do I get them their own place? If I do that I would be stuck paying the bills, which I don't have that much cash flow, one works part time and the other one is looking for a job. I'll post more later. Has anyone been in this situation??
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Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 2:01pm

Welcome to the board lillys2008,


No I haven't been in your situation. I have two questions for now. Why is the middle daugther living with you and why doesn't your DH want your youngest to move in?

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Registered: 01-18-2008
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 4:22pm

cl-ctara19811

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Registered: 08-11-2004
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 5:35pm

The best thing you can do for your daughters is to teach them to be self-sufficient. Having them come running home every time they have a crisis is ultimately bad for them, as well as being bad for your marriage.

Your daughters do have other options besides depending on boyfriends. The one that comes to mind most immediately is that perhaps they could get an apartment together and share expenses, which of course would mean they'd both need to work. There's also other possibilities like finding roommates, or staying with friends.

Your youngest isn't going to be able to change if you allow her to stay and walk all over you. Sometimes the fastest way to make someone see the light is to back off and let them fend for themselves. Doing too much encourages her to stay dependent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2008
Sat, 01-19-2008 - 3:59am

Thank you kellyann_25 for responding.


Unfortunately, is not as easy as you think.


My youngest daughter when I said she has been rebellious is because she has been


on her own since very young,


she has refused to live by my rules while under my roof.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 01-19-2008 - 10:05am

I have a younger brother who reminds me a lot of your youngest. Always rebellious, and if you tell them to do something they'll never do it - because they know that the last resort is using physical violence which is something you'd never do. There's no "right way" to deal with them but I remember many, many times when I had wished my mother would impart some tough love upon him. He's going into the military in March and we hope that helps.

If your middle daughter is pleasant and helps out, then I don't see a reason why you should force her out immediately (though it has to happen sometime)

Your youngest daughter you need to be very, very firm with. Set a timeline for her. Tell her that in X amount of months after the baby is born (or she is no longer pregnant by whatever means) she has to find a job and move out. I know that you simply cannot kick out your daughter when she is pregnant and needs your help. I don't know if she has figured out what she's going to do yet, but if she is going to have the baby then I think you should strongly urge her to consider adoption. At nineteen and with her attitude she has absolutely no business raising a child if she can't even take care of herself.

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Registered: 01-18-2008
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 8:01am

Thank you for responding.

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Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 9:25am

I don't blame you at all for the choices you've made, and I definitely don't think you're a horrible mother at all. Your story is a sad one and I think you've done remarkably well ESPECIALLY considering the circumstances. Families with 2+ kids definitely seem to have that one kid who is the troublemaker of the group, sometimes it's more severe. My brother was an alcoholic and drug addict by the age of 14.

I'm thinking that your daughter needs some professional intervention. Your love for her can ALWAYS be unconditional... But her living with you does need to have limits on the duration, and she needs to have a stipulation under which she is allowed to stay. If you can afford to help out, maybe it would work to tell her to attend parenting classes AND/OR a psychiatrist if she's going to be under your roof.

I'm so sorry about everything you're going through, honestly I think you've done a really great job.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2008
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 10:01am

Thank you for your kind words.


I'm sorry to hear about your brother, it is very difficult to watch somebody that you love destroy themselves like that.


You brought tears to my eyes, it is nice to hear that your not a bad mother, I do question my self a lot about that.


I have gone thru a lot, this, what I have posted is only the tip of the iceberg.


I do agree about my daughter, and having a stipulation put on her, in fact is an excellent idea!


I will talk with her and do that and tell her that she needs to go to parenting classes and/or a psychiatrist.


This is why I joined this group, I needed ideas as to how to handle this situation, since my husband wont talk to me and help me figure something out, he just complaints about them.


Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 3:07pm

This is a tricky and sad situation. It's too bad that he won't make room for your pregnant daughter. Of course if you choose the option of moving out to be with her, sounds like your marriage will be threatened. Perhaps it is already, due to his response. It's up to you to decide how much this marriage means to you. If you want to work out this bump in the road and try to keep it going, then it would be best to get a separate place for your daughter to live in. It could be close by, she's 19 and so she can

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2008
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 7:51am

You are absolutely right, my marriage is threatened, that's why I'm here.


I don't know what to do, yes my marriage is somewhat rocky right now, he's not only not communicating with me, but also I hate pornography and I have caught him looking at it in his computer, we had a big fight about it and I told him that if I caught him doing that again I would leave him.


Well two weeks ago I checked his computer, I work all day