Could this be the end of my marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2014
Could this be the end of my marriage?
4
Sat, 06-07-2014 - 6:06pm

Me and my husband lived together for 2 years and then we got married 3 years ago, when I was pregnant with our 2 year and a half daughter. We always got along well and were good friends as well as lovers. But at the time my daughter was born I was out of work and my husband lost his job and we went trough some difficult times, having to live in a house borrowed by his family and we went trough many financial issues. This together with raising a baby took its toll on our relationship. We started having lots of arguments and he also wanted to end our relationship for 2 times, what at the time I was shocked since I believed we are a family and families solve their issues together, don't just break appart. 

Well, we ended moving to another city, and now we both got good jobs, our own home, our daughter is at a nursery she loves and we have no financial issues. But it seems that instead of being more happy and relaxed, our relationship is getting worse and worse. My husband works long hours (because he chooses to, not because he has to), he's always tired and have little patience and a short temper. He gets furious with small things around the house like som crumbs or something that isn't clean, and nagging all the time. I can't seem to relax because I feel like I'm always walking on egg shells like just hoping he doesn't yell at me about something. Sometimes we ended having arguments in front of our daughter which is just terrible. Some time ago I really didn't want for us to go separate ways, but now I'm not sure anymore. I don't feel sexually attracted to him anymore due to all this and sometimes our relationship just feels a business relation! There's no tenderness or romance whatsoever. When I try to speak to him about this, he never wants to, always ends up getting furious, saying I'm annoying and leaving the room.

Today we had another argument and I'm so desperate about this. I have no family and just a few friends on my side so I really feel alone, that's also why I'm writing here. We have been both ill in the past 3 days and at home recovering. My husband was the first getting sick, he went to sleep early and around 10pm he got up, went to the living room, saying non sense things, I was really scared with this and noticed he was really hot, he was having a high temperature and was very confused. I got so scared and phoned his mom asking to help me. Then I phoned emergency and spoke with a doctor that thought it would be best to call an ambulance and take him to hospital to be seen, which was what happened. My husband stayed at the hospital for 2 days and then went home, and I was already sick too (not as bad as he). As soon as he felt better, he started to clean the house and getting all obssessed with this and that, not letting me having a proper rest as well.

Then tonight I eat a sandwich on the sofa and a juice together with my daughter, then he came to the living room to get her to sleep and she said she wants mommy instead. So I picked her up to take her to the bedroom and he started shouting at me that I left my dirty plate and cup on the sofa and that's a total lack of respect to him because he wants to sit on the sofa as well, also swearing as well. I couldn't believe this, I'm still feeling ill, was taking our daughter to the bedroom, is that sooooo serious that I forgot to take the plate and the cup!? Is that really that important??? Specially when sometimes he also does the same!

I responded that and he continued to shout, then said to me that I cannot never again call an ambulance withouth his permission! That he had to stay at the hospital when he didn't want to! Well, first of all, I could I ask for permission if he was totally confused? And second, it was the doctor on the phone who took that decision and called the ambulance, not me! He also said that next time he's sick and even if he falls on the floor I cannot call anyone! I just couldn't believe all this. The doctor on the phone suspected he could have meningitis, which fortunately was not, but I guess I did the right thing in calling the doctor and now I have to hear this from him? Does he hate me?

I hoped that he getting so ill this time would be a wake up call for him to slow down at work and take more care of himself, but instead he's putting the blame on me. I'm nt obssessed with having a clean perfect house, I do loads of work: cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc. He does all that also, but we cannot be robots! Specially when we have a 2 year old! I don't think that a plate and a cup are more important than our relationship and that I should yell at him if he left that plate and cup on the sofa! Who cares? 1 year ago we didn't even have our home and our sofa!!! 

Well, thank you for reading all, I really appreciate. I feel so sad and desperate. I didn't want for our marriage to end, I just wanted for us to be friends, happy and so close like we used to be. I've had dreams when I was sleeping with past boyfriends and also men I don't even know who they are where I am in a happy relationship, feeling loved and nurtured and then I wake up. I don't know what to do really, I feel tired of not being able to relax on my own house after a day working. He also has a short temper to our daughter too. If we didn't have our daughter I don't believe we would be together anymore. I think the best we should do would be to have some time away from each other and see how we feel, but that's just not possible to do.

Well, I ask you for some advice on what to do. Even his own mother feels a bit helpless regarding his temper. I just thought that now we have jobs, no financial issues and our home, that we could just relax and be happy, but why is that so difficult? Today I read on Facebook a poem that says "I wish I could find a love to burn cookies with whilst we dance around the kitchen". Wow, that's really really how I would love to feel! Not being yelled at because I didn't clean the oven...

I don't know what to do, please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 06-07-2014 - 11:39pm

When you were both out of work, and having financial problems, I can understand short tempers and arguing.  But now you're both back at work, you have no real financial problems, but he's always angry.  And you argue in front of your daughter, NOT good.  What you need is some counseling, but a man that has anger problems is usually not willing to do that.  You did the right thing by calling the ambulance when he was sick.  Men don't like to admit they're sick, let alone need an ambulance.  Try to talk to him when he's NOT angry about something, and tell him how bad it is to be angry in front of your daughter.  Talk to him about getting help.  If he refuses, then you need to see someone to get help to deal with him.  Or, you might be advised to leave him.  You can't continue to live this way, for your own sanity,and also for your daughter's mental health.  Talk to him first, ask him to go to counseling with you.  If he refuses, then tell him you will go alone, and then make an appointment and GO.  This will not go away without some help.  Good luck to you. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 06-09-2014 - 10:02am

From your post it seems thsat he has not recovered from the financial problems.   Many people become obsessed with financia security and that spreads to control issue  like the house being perfect.  He is still mentally under pressure from those bad times.  He needs help.  As do you.  If he won't get help then leave.  What are your career plans?  This is very important.  In today US many women if they have prime custodial find that they are trapped in a geographal aresa doe to visitation rules.  Think long term and put that in the divorce that if you get a position x miles away he either makes up the difference in benefits and salary or you move and flies.  

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2014
Sat, 06-14-2014 - 3:42am

Can you do me a favour can you send me pics of your home I mean of each room. In the meantime I would like you to put some rock salt in your bucket while mopping the floor. Also try to remove any empty nails in and around the house. Also try to keep your kitchen area clean and throw out all the unused plastic bags or any plastic material which is not used. Also in the evening try to burn some camphor in your house. This will solve some of your relationship issues. You can send me your feedback on my mail at devjav@yahoo.com and if possible send me a scanned copy of his handwriting sample i can tell you exactly whats happenning in his mind. Wish you good luck

Rgds 

Devendra 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Mon, 06-23-2014 - 3:53pm

In order to make a relationship work both parties must want to be in it.  I find it troubling that he wanted to get out of this relationship before and how everytime you bring up how you feel he gets upset and leaves. He doesn't sound happy neither do you. Why is he so resentful?  I think in order to grab his attention you should give him an ultimatum.  Either you both seek couples counseling or you file for divorce.  See how he responds and i think you'll get your answer.