Could he be cheating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Could he be cheating?
8
Fri, 03-29-2013 - 11:58am

Hi everyone.  I am afraid my husband might be cheating or thinking about it.  The last five years of our marriage have been a challenge. We have had some career changes, financial issues, and general annouance with each other.  We seemed to be growing apart but we both have made efforts to work through it and find our happiness.  Last night, I got home late and my DH was asleep in the family room.  He often does that.  I went in the bedroom to get ready for bed and his cell phone was sitting on the nightstand charging.  I picked it up and looked through his text messages.  I have never snooped before, nor felt the need, and I can't define why I did last night.  He had several messages from a woman he originally new professionally.  He has her number in his contact list under just her initials.  She had sent him a several pictures of a huge back tatoo just had just gotten.  The pic showed a little side boob and stopped at the top of her behind.  His reply was, "that looks awesome but I can't 'see everything."  By everything, I assume he was refering to her boobs and butt because you can see the entire tatoo in the pic.  She replied, "LOL, I'll have to show you when I get back."

After that, I checked the details our cell phone bill and found that she has texted him quite a bit and he has responded some of the time. Often her texts are late at night or in the morning when he is at work.  This woman is someone he has talked about but he also told me she was dating someone he knew.  My sister worked with this woman many years ago and said she always causes trouble.  I do know she has been married and divorced three times.  

I am uncomfortable addressing this with my DH simply because I was snooping, but I was sick to my stomach last night thinking about it all night.  I often feel that we are just too different from each other.  At first that worked for us, but now I wonder if it is just too much.  Or if I am just projecting and finding problems because we have had some difficult years.  The problem is, is that I don't think this is the first time.  Many years ago, there was a girl he talked about all the time and I always thought there was something going on but I didn't have any proof, just a feeling.  Some days I just want to pack my stuff and move out. This is one of those days . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 03-29-2013 - 3:51pm

Well withourt concrete proof (such as a text saying their planning to meet up somewhere) it's hard to say whether he's actually cheating or just flirting with tatoo lady, BUT the "I can't see everything" and the "LOL, I'll show you when I get back" texts are definitely flirtatious and innapropriate for a MM to be receiving from/sending to another woman. Of course you can't control her behavior cause she knows he's married and doesn't seem to care about boundaries. So yes it sounds like this woman could be potential trouble for your marriage if the flirtatious texts continue (and most likely they will escalate) because your H is responding positively to her. Now if you do confront him, yes he will be really mad that you snooped on his phone and possibly start code locking it so that you can't snoop anymore. And if you confront him you will probably hear "Nothing is going on between us, we are just friends and your making a mountain out of a molehill"  So what I would do is some watchful waiting with this.Keep an eye on the cell phone records and check his phone whenever the opportunity presents itself. And I say that because without concrete proof I would bet (99%) that he will DENY anything is going on. And since you've already suspected him  of previous cheating and you've been growing apart, ending your marriage is really a decision only you can make. Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 03-29-2013 - 3:51pm

Well withourt concrete proof (such as a text saying their planning to meet up somewhere) it's hard to say whether he's actually cheating or just flirting with tatoo lady, BUT the "I can't see everything" and the "LOL, I'll show you when I get back" texts are definitely flirtatious and innapropriate for a MM to be receiving from/sending to another woman. Of course you can't control her behavior cause she knows he's married and doesn't seem to care about boundaries. So yes it sounds like this woman could be potential trouble for your marriage if the flirtatious texts continue (and most likely they will escalate) because your H is responding positively to her. Now if you do confront him, yes he will be really mad that you snooped on his phone and possibly start code locking it so that you can't snoop anymore. And if you confront him you will probably hear "Nothing is going on between us, we are just friends and your making a mountain out of a molehill"  So what I would do is some watchful waiting with this.Keep an eye on the cell phone records and check his phone whenever the opportunity presents itself. And I say that because without concrete proof I would bet (99%) that he will DENY anything is going on. And since you've already suspected him  of previous cheating and you've been growing apart, ending your marriage is really a decision only you can make. Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 03-29-2013 - 3:51pm

Well withourt concrete proof (such as a text saying their planning to meet up somewhere) it's hard to say whether he's actually cheating or just flirting with tatoo lady, BUT the "I can't see everything" and the "LOL, I'll show you when I get back" texts are definitely flirtatious and innapropriate for a MM to be receiving from/sending to another woman. Of course you can't control her behavior cause she knows he's married and doesn't seem to care about boundaries. So yes it sounds like this woman could be potential trouble for your marriage if the flirtatious texts continue (and most likely they will escalate) because your H is responding positively to her. Now if you do confront him, yes he will be really mad that you snooped on his phone and possibly start code locking it so that you can't snoop anymore. And if you confront him you will probably hear "Nothing is going on between us, we are just friends and your making a mountain out of a molehill"  So what I would do is some watchful waiting with this.Keep an eye on the cell phone records and check his phone whenever the opportunity presents itself. And I say that because without concrete proof I would bet (99%) that he will DENY anything is going on. And since you've already suspected him  of previous cheating and you've been growing apart, ending your marriage is really a decision only you can make. Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 03-29-2013 - 3:53pm

Sorry, I don't know why my post are posting multiple times lately.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 03-29-2013 - 11:22pm

Peacyma, you're just making sure you make your point, lol.  I agree with what you had to say, too.  Even if there is NOT anything happening at the moment, what IS going on is how many "friendships" move on to more.  Lots of us have had to deal with the OW who had no scruples about the guy being married - I'll never understand that, but it happens all the time (some ONLY pursue the married ones, BEEN THERE).  Boundaries are being messed with between these two - from what you WROTE it appears she may be doing the most of the pursuing, but he's not exactly shutting her down, either.  If you mention this to him now, he really is going to tell you you're "overreacting" and that "we're just friends..." - famous last words MANY MANY of us heard when we became suspicious.  He may deny anything is "going on", but what he cannot deny is the messages themselves and the words being chosen - they are literally flirting with danger here.  Until they've been there, they just don't get it - they don't get how easily this can turn into that stupid slippery slope to a full-blown affair.  For the moment try to relax that you snooped, it's better to be sure, right?  I agree that I'd be checking again and if it keeps sounding suspicious, confess and ask what you need to ask.  Until you're more sure, you'll only be accused of not trusting him.  Instead use your head and for the moment keep your eyes open and BE SURE.  I wish I'd followed my instincts that "something" was different!!! 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Sun, 03-31-2013 - 11:40pm

Thank you both for your comments.  Good advice.  I have checked the cell phone usage and there have not been any phone calls.  But I did find several back and forth text messages over the last couple of months.  In each case, she sent the first message so I do think she is pursuing him.  But like you both mentioned, he is encouraging it with his response.  My first thought was to watch, check the cell phone bill and his phone regularly, and see what happens.  The problem is that I get so angry when I am around him now.  I completely agree that he will deny anything is going on but I can hardly have a civil conversation and pretend everything is OK.  I am going to try to stick to close observations, but I might have to face it head on.  Just today, he wanted to have sex but I simply can't do it knowing he may be looking at another woman.  It just makes me sick . .

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 04-01-2013 - 2:24pm

At this point I agree with everyone else. It does not seem like anything is going on yet. She seems to be pursuing him. If you had a talk with him now about it, all you would have to accuse him of is his inappropriate responses to her texts, and him not shutting her down and telling her these are not appropriate messages to be sending a married person. So he is not cheating per say, what he is doing looks like it is in response primarily to her messages, but you do have inappropriate, probably boundry-crossing behaviors. You could frame it as well yes I know you aren't doing anything with her but put yourself in my shoes for a minute. If I was receiving messages with attached pictures of a male coworker of mine showing much skin and skirting the edges of his private areas, promising to show me more later, would you be totally ok with that??

If you are not going to go there right now then the other option is the waiting game that you are playing right now. Wathing the cell bill for more texts and possibly calls. There could be email too, but you might never know that. Maybe things could come to a head sooner if start to really turn him down more often and he notices the increasing distance and confronts you about it.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 04-01-2013 - 2:59pm

  I am in minor agreement.  BUT it is that you must fess up to your snooping and say nothing else.  There is a case where men and women may have friendships that the GF?BF?spouse does not like.  And the reasons are as many as grains of sand.  Once he knows you snoop they may tone it down after all with many of the newer phones the privacy is very lax. 

   Then having revealed that leave it alone.  One killer is insecurity.  It makes you look bad.  It is not fun to be around someone who has made you feel that you are walking on egg shells.  You would resent them.

     I myself have 98% of my friends being of the opposite sex.  I see them several times a year.  Some I have known most of my adult life.  if a new Gf tried to come between me and my friends she would go.  Wife same thing.  But I owe a lot to my friends.  Choose your battles very carefully as one can win a battle but lose the relationship. 

  I also have a real problem with Political Correctness: appropriate as it is now used friends set their own boundaries.  What may be with one will not be with another.

dragowoman