Could he be dangerous?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Could he be dangerous?
1
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 10:33pm
I do not know if I am being too paranoid but I do wonder if something is really wrong with my spouse. Our relationship started out on a rocky road. We have now been married 11 years and have two children who we both adore. The problem is that he continuously brings up the past- one particular event. Before we were married; before we began seriously dating; I was with someone else. I regret being with this other man and telling him about it. I don't think I wronged him- we had only gone out once and were not in a committed relationship. I knew my husband for a day before I was with this other person. I really wish I wasn't with the other person but the way my husband acts, it is as if I have committed adultery.

I am a faithful wife; a good mother; I went through great effort and sacrifice to get through grad school and provide our family with insurance and security while my husbnad acts and spends in an irresponsible manner. Time and time again my husband brings up this event as if it happened just yesterday. He is very jealous of other people, my family included. He believes that every male I encounter (while I was at school; at work; or anywhere really) wants to "get into my pants". He claims that is what all men want and that I am just to naive and trusting of everyones alterior motives. He has a problem with my workplace because a group of us go out for lunch about once a week and one in this party of 8 is a man. I am embarrassed to answer my cell phone during lunch time because the conversation consist of 20 questions of who, where, why, how close, and on and on. I have pleaded that he stop this adolescent behavior. He claims I am insensitive to his "pain". I have endured much pain in my childhood and maybe I am insensitive because I have overcome so much and feel he is just holding on to this tiny thread that occured almost 13 years ago just to have something over me. I ask him why we can't just have a normal conversation without all this jealousy and he claims because there is a history: my unfaithfullness after our date.

This is like an issue after all these years. Nevermind the mysterious case of genital herpes early in our marriage (I have never been unfaithful in any way to my husband and he swears he wasn't unfaithful); never mind the phone calls I have recieved in the past from girls he knows; he travels as part of his work and his work consist of groupies.

I want to leave because I am tired of the emotional abuse I have endured. I am tired of hearing what he thinks is wrong with me. I am tired of feeling good about myself for a just a moment before he kicks me down. I am tired of being made to feel like an adulterous person when I am not.

I am afraid to leave becuase I don't know if his behavior will escalate. He has been violent with me 2 times. The first time, we had his hands on the side of my head and was banging it on the floor. His behavior can be explosive. I really worry about my safety and the kids if I leave. I worry about my sense of self worth if I stay.

I would really appreciate any advice you can give.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 3:13pm
Oh dear, of course you're not being paranoid. He's been accusing you of infidelity for 13 years over an incident that doesn't even come close to the definition of infidelity. But I doubt he really believes his accusations, and if he does believe it he doesn't have both oars in the water. It's more likely that he accuses you to justify to himself his cheating on you. Staying with him puts you at great risk for STDs much more serious than herpes, diseases that carry a death sentence.

He has been violent with you on two occasions, and you are right he is very dangerous to you and your kids, and it isn't going to stop. Your self-worth is already very low having tolerated this for so long.

You need a support system to help you get away from him. Call your local domestic abuse hotline for help. And since he travels frequently, you have excellent opportunities to pack up and move your family without risking your safety. So don't even mention that you're leaving, just go when he is away from home. Please post your story on the Domestic Abuse board. They will give you more good advice on how to deal with your situation.