could my marriage work out even if i'm 24 years younger than him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2014
could my marriage work out even if i'm 24 years younger than him?
31
Sat, 04-26-2014 - 11:07pm

my friends and family warn me against marrying my boyfriend even though i cannot think of why it won't work out.

they say he only likes me for my appearance and that a 43 year old has nothing in common with 19.

but i said we do play tennis and things together so what are they talking about?

then they say tennis is not enough and that there has to be something more mental between us.

and mum said the way he met me proves he only choose me for appearance.

could we still get married and be ok? Cry

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Mum is right!  Marriage is more than playing tennis.  You're a teen ager, and your brain isn't even finished developing yet.  What do the two of you have in common besides tennis.  Does he like the same music you like.  Has he ever been married before, and does he have children (who might be older that you!)?   Do you like the same books, or movies?  Does he like your teen-aged friends?  Do you like his middle aged friends?  Do you like to go out to clubs and go dancing, and does he like that too?   Do you know how to cook, or clean a house, or do laundry?  Those are things you do when you're married unless he's a millionaire and you will have servants.  How will you feel when you're 40 and he's an old man of 65?  When you're 40, you will NOT want to sit home with him in his rocker.  Do you want a family?  Do you want your children to lose their father before they graduate from High School.  Anything is possible, but there are many reasons that you should NOT marry him.........and very few that you should.  Listen to your Mum!  She knows a lot more about life than you do. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2014

hi Fissatore, thanks for the reply! i got someone in the room now so i will come back later when alone and will reply ya Innocent

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2014

my brain is not finished? how?

he's learning the computer so we are at the computer together and i teach him that.

both us like fall out boy.

his wife deceased a long time ago but he has a teen boy but not my age.

neither of us like books, we are more sporty really but we go to the cinema a lot and enjoy comedy including all types.

yup we met each others friends but my favorite gfs like for just me to party with them instead of him. i play cards with him and his friends which is really fun and first time i've played cards so especially fun for me.

i go dancing with my friends but with him i go to the cinema/retaurants or bedtime. he is shy to dance.

he has a housekeeper luckily lol. we eat out usually but i have cooked.

my mums bf is 60 and they have sex a lot i think ;)

no children cos he already has a son :)

i sleep over most nights so it feels like we are married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

To answer your questions: 1. It has been scientifically proven that the human brain continues to "grow"......not in size, but in reasoning power until you're in your early 20's.  Until then, the frontal cortex, which is the area that makes you understand the consequences of your actions, continues to develop.  Right now you cannot see (or imagine) 10 years into the future.  2. He's just now learning the computer?  Then he's been living in another world, at his age, he GREW UP with computers, and shouldn't need to be taught!  3.  I have no idea who "Fall Out Boy" is, assuming a music group, and if he's into teen music (and doesn't know computers).....what cave has he been living in all his life?  4.  He has a child ALMOST your age.... will he be living with you?  NOT a good combination! If his Mum passed away, he has no choice, does he?  5.  Neither of you likes books......but you go to the cinema a lot?  Not much to be learned about life at the cinema.  That's mostly a fantasy world.  6.  Your g/f's like to "party" with you but not him?  Why? Because they see he's an OLD man compared to you and them.  But you go dancing with them?  Do you think you'll do that if you get married to him?  Do you think he's going to accept you going out to bars, drinking and dancing with young guys, while he sits at home?  If he's a real man, he will NOT put up with that, so kiss your g/f's goodbye if you marry him.  Also, a 43 year old man is too "shy" to dance?  There's a problem......the word is "insecure" not shy! An insecure man is a "jealous" man.  He will not trust you out on your own.  It might be OK now, but once you're married, that will change.  Expect to spend most of your time with the old people he plays cards with.  Cards are fun, but not when that's all you do!  7.  He has a housekeeper?  That's nice, but once he's married he won't need one, he'll have you!  Do you expect to sit around eating bon-bons while he's paying someone else to take care of his home?  Doubtful.  YOU will be the one picking up the dirty underwear, cleaning the toilet (and you'll be in shock at how men can't aim straight!) and doing the laundry.   8.  Your mum's b/f is 60 and they have sex a lot......and that proves what?  My partner is 79 and we have sex a lot, too.  A GOOD relationship is based on more than sex!  People in the worst relationships can hate each other but still have sex.  Sex is important in a relationship, but there is a LOT more to a relationship than just sex.  9.  No children because he already has a son?  Nice......until you grow up and realize that you WANT a child or two.  Then what?  Or, what if you accidentally get pregnant?  Then what?  10.  You sleep over most nights so it's almost like you're married?  Being married is a LOT more than sleeping together. 

You are looking at all of this thru the eyes of a teen ager!  You are trying to justify everything, and that shows you KNOW there are problems.  What does this man do for a living?  Does he have sufficient income to support you, or will you have to work fo help pay bills?  Do you work now?  Do you have any business experience in case you do have to work?  His son lives with him?  Do you get along with him?  He might very well resent another teen ager taking up his Father's time.  I think you're going to do what YOU want to do.......and I think it will be a big mistake!  But, I was 19 once, and I thought I knew everything there was to know, too.  Amazing now when I realize how little I knew about life at that age!  I wish I'd listened to my parents more.  They knew what I didn't know, just as your Mum knows what you don't know.  Of course, you don't believe that.  You will go ahead and do what you want to do, no matter what anyone tells you.  Maybe you should listen to your g/f's.  They see what you don't want to see.    Good luck in your life, no matter what you choose to do with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2014

LOL he knows computers but I study studied Info Tech at school and it gets pretty complex. Its not like word processing and email Tongue Out

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2014

hi son is not close to my age, he's only just started high school and i finished high school a year ago.

i like being with my bf more than anything so i only go out one night each week with my friends. my bf has like 2 nights with his friends and i'm at one of those Laughing

when i do play cards with my bf and his friends its the most i've laughed ever Tongue Out

not all guys at my school danced, so lots of ages don't dance. my bf is not shy only shy for dancing. he kisses me in public more

than any bf ever Tongue Outwell his son is a handful so its really hard to imagine another. and i'm on the pill anyway.

i was never going to sleep with anyone until married so it feels like marriage to me. its a big deal after running from it always you know.

i'm probably not allowed to say his job but he said i do not need to work. his son lives with us and we play tenis everyday.

even if we don't get married i just like being in his arms, its the main thing InnocentKiss

if i was your daughter would you be ok with it as long as we did not marry?

it just feels incredible being in a new family Surprised and to wake up in arms.

literally you won't believe how fun it is!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Since this seems to be a fun relationship and you are both happy now, why not just take it for what it is and don't get married--ok maybe if you are still together 10 yrs from now, then get married.  My best friend from high school days married a guy who is 26 yrs older than she is.  She met him at work and they dated and then lived together for a couple of years and I think she was about 22 when they got married.   She did not have the opportunity to go to college right after high school like I did.  

Now one thing--he had never been married and didn't have any kids so she did not have to worry about step children.  Then they both wanted kids and they had 2 of them.  They eventually got divorced but I wouldn't say it was due to the age difference--they had personality differences but that could happen to people close in age--it did to me.  If you marry an older man you have to be prepared that he might have health problems, but then again, for a young woman, my friend had numerous health problems--in fact both of them went through cancer but now she is 56 and he is 82--he actually still works part time and does things with their kids--he's definitely not ready for a nursing home, but a lot of people would be at his age.  So now it's all fun and games but if you get married, you will most likely be taking care of someone with a lot of health problems and old age problems while your friends who are with someone their own age are not.  You also don't want kids right now, because most teenagers don't, but maybe when you are 30 you will regret not having kids and want them then--that's another thing to think about.

Oh and you should be prepared to be working and supporting yourself because he might or probably will die much before you and most people do not have enough life insurance and assets where his money will support you forever unless he is extremely rich.  And just as a practical matter, I don't know where you live, but in the US people at 65 get Medicare--that will not cover the younger person.  My friend had to keep working full time to provide health insurance for herself and their kids.  Luckily she was smart and even after she got married and had kids, she also went to college at night and kept moving up in her job to where she became VP of a big bank.  When we were young, it seemed like she had a lot more money since they were able to buy a house right away and he would buy her nice jewelry and fur coats and such but she had to be prepared to support herself because that's what she's been doing for many years.  So ok, you graduated from high school but what about your future?  

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2014

yup that sounds ok, i just am grateful to be with him/son and it does seem smart to not push it Innocent

thats good to hear that your friends divorce was not cos of the age Cool

our personalities are the same and he is the only personality i trust. both my serious exbfs were only after one thing and scared me badly trying to do it. so i told my current bf about what happened and so he didn't try to bed me but i ended up loving him so much that i wanted to do everything everyday anyway. its fun to trust someone that is for sure lol.

i like looking after him, no problem! but yup i won't get married yet.

i give my bf and his son massage cos my friend is a massage therapist and i'm thinking of learning it so that might be my job! i will study that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

Do I think there's something emotionally, ethically and psychologically wrong with a man in his forties wanting to date a teen? Yes. He should know better and doesn't care that your immature brain and lack of life experience knows whether or not you're making a wise decision here. Therefore, he's not the upstanding guy you think he is. Here is an article from Cosmopolitan magazine that might be helpful to you:

Are you a high school freshman dating a college freshman? A 23-year-old dating her 50-year-old boss? Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriend? Continue reading.

1. However cool it makes you is exactly how lame it makes him. You might feel like Joan Jett when he picks you up in his Seville outside the high school in front of all your friends, but he is being mercilessly mocked by all of the women in his life for dating a 14-year-old. 

2. It’s not super-sweet and romantic of him when he buys you beer and/or gets you a fake. If you’re an inexperienced drinker who feels it after 2 bottles of Mike’s Hard, that benefits him, not you. 

3. Among the biggest reasons that he likes you is because you’re young. Yes, he might be into you because you like the same bands and you act “mature for your age.” (Has he ever told you that you have "an old soul?" Puke.) But mostly, it’s the fact that he’s your first. Not necessarily just sexually, but myriad other ways, too: The first guy you watch The Godfather with, the guy who buys you a copy of Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of The Moon,” the first one in the passenger’s seat as soon as you get your learner’s permit... Being the older, wiser man is a power trip for him. And that’s all about him, not about you. 

4. And if he’s your boss, the said power trip he is getting off on should be overt. Unless it’s just a fun, sexy, baggage-free throw-you-over-your-desk situation where nobody gets hurt at the end. 

5. There’s probably a reason no woman his age wants to date him. Don’t stick around long enough to find out why. 

6. Defending your relationship will frequently ruin your friendships. You’ll end up alienating the friends who are dropping truth-bombs such as the one above. Next thing you know, he’s your closest friend as well as your boyfriend — which creates a co-dependent dynamic that’s bad for any relationship.

8. Whether or not you tell your parents about him or not, it’s a lose-lose. If not, the sneaking around, lies and secrets will strain your relationship. And if you tell them, you’ll deal with all-out fights. 

9. This is probably a pattern for him. No matter how special he insists you are, the chances are that he’s been dating younger girls for years. 

10. Yes, he might have sex with you and then bail. I know hearing that is like sticking a fork in your chest and ripping your heart out. It’s true, though. 

11. Sleeping with him might be a bigger emotional deal for you than you think. Maybe you’re sure that you won’t be dramatic about it, like “other girls.” But that shit tends to sneak up on you. And it doesn’t mean you’re weak or naïve— it just means that you value yourself. Which is mature, by the way. 

12. If he’s married, he’s not going to leave his wife for you.Which is one of those things where, yeah, it could happen, it hashappened, but asteroids also hit the Earth occasionally and we all still leave our houses without wearing full-body protective Plexiglass domes. Enough said. 

13. He might be running from a bad relationship with a woman his age. If he had a nasty breakup with (or for older men, a nasty divorce from) someone in his demographic, there’s a good shot that’s why he’s with you — someone who, ostensibly, can’t hurt him. But he can hurt you. It’s like a Chain of Pain up in here. 

14. It’s great how you guys are on the same emotional level, right! (Wrong.) He’s in a different generation than you; he shouldn’t be a decade behind emotionally. That’s like valuing a 30-year-old because he has the math aptitude of a middle schooler. 

15. He gets along so well with your friends! Awesome! (Nope.)See above. 

16. It’s probably not going to last. Let me rephrase that: It probably shouldn’t last, because as you get older, you’ll change (which is normal and great so don’t fight it! It’s the emotional version of going from breast buds to boobs!) and want different things. 

17. If he ends it because you’re too young, let him. That means he’s actually a decent guy. And maybe somewhere down the road, things will be different for both of you. But the only way for that to happen is to let it end when it’s supposed to. 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

You do have to wonder what would draw a middle aged man to such a young woman other than looks--I mean it sure isn't the intellectual stimulation here.  I can certainly think that young men are good looking but it wouldn't cross my mind to date a guy who is around the same age as my kids--to me, that would be creepy and make me feel like some kind of child molester, even if the guy was in his 20's.  I think it does occasionally work out but you have to wonder about men like these--I think they can't deal with a woman their own age because of various reasons:  1) maybe they have this need to feel superior and not to have their opinions challenged.  They like the fact that the young woman is not going to question much of what they say, or 2) older women are more independent so less chance they are going to put up with some guy's bad character traits because the woman their age knows better.  Also, as a woman who is experienced in sex, I surely would not want a man who was inexperienced.  

Pages