Counselor therapy - need your advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Counselor therapy - need your advice
3
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 11:02pm
I have always been suspicious about my boyfriend since we start dating 1.5 years ago. I knew he checks out porn websites all the time, checking out on-line personal ads, doing on-line chatting, and even emailing people with pictures, etc. Three weeks ago I found out he went out with a woman that he met during his business visit. He first denied and lied to me but now he admitted that he was out testing the water. He totally broken my heart and hurt my feelings horribly. I love him so much and wanted to see things work out for us but I also thought about leaving the relationship. I left him for about two weeks now but yesterday we started to talk again. He told me the reasons that he was doing all that stuff were because he felt insecure with me so he does that to medicate himself. He told me because I often rage my emotional with him and he felt that I would leave him someday. I do agree with him that I always thought about breaking up with him. The reason I do that is deep in my heart I cannot trust him for the stuff he does. I don't totally feel secure with him either. Tomorrow I am supposed to see a counselor. BF asked me if he can join me together and I said sure. I know he loves me very much and wanted to see things are working for us.

Do you have any advice on what to focus on to work right now? The issues he said that I have to work on or his issues which was for what he did, went out testing the water, and all that on-line stuff. My goals are to heal the pain I suffer right now, and understand why he does that kind of sick stuff, what he can do to stop being dishonest and realize how damage this to our good relationship, what can I do to trust him again and what he needs to do to make me trust him again, or if this is even worthwhile of my time to work on?. Sorry I felt so hurt and cannot think straight. I need your help so please give me some advice.

Thanks so much.

nh

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 8:39am
chinadoll nh...

The only person you can try to heal is YOURSELF. Whether your b/f attends counselling with you or not isn't the issue because he has a problem that only HE can solve!

With anybody addicted to on-line porn, you run the risk of 'competing' and having the b/f go down the same path several times in the future.

Is the man really worth it? Especially since there will always be suspicion on your side?

Pianoguy

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 10:13am

You already have a very good understanding of what issues you need to work on. He says that he behaves this way because he feels insecure with you, that you will leave him. That may be a cause of his anxiety, but it certainly is not an excuse. It is no reason for keeping up a stream of contact with other women during the relationship. He has been acting out all along and this is not good. In a sense he has not given the relationship a chance. He has not trusted you enough, to really be there with you a hundred per cent. You have known this and it has also made you insecure. Unless he can really give up this behavior cold turkey and work on trust issues with you, there is no hope for the relationship. He must acknowledge that his behavior is unacceptable, no matter how insecure he is feeling. Boundaries have to be firmly set in the relationship and adhered to. Lines of communication must be created that are not breached. This is quite a project. You both have to want to committ time, effort, and faith to it. You will also need the help of a professional for awhile. If he is willing to acknowledge that his behavior is unacceptable and give it up, then you've got a chance. If he keeps trying to explain it away and is not fully aware of how destructive it is in a relationship, then move on.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 12:52pm
Thank you for your reply. You have some very good strong points. Thanks so much. He does acknowledge his behavior is not acceptable but he also insists that I should work on my issues, but if I never caught him doing this, I wouldn’t know what he thinks and feels at all, and now since I found out he’s trying to cheat on me, he insists that I need to work on my issues. What about the pain and distrust caused by his cheating behavior? What about the damage he did to our relationship? Does that need to be fixed first and then individually us as a separate cause? I cannot think straight here. It doesn’t make sense. All of sudden it’s my fault while he is the one went out tested the water and I didn’t even know how bad this relationship is? Which way is up?