Country husband out of town all the time

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Country husband out of town all the time
3
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 2:10pm
I'm a stay at home mother of 2 toddlers, as well as a full time college student. I've been married for 7 years, and together with my husband for 13 years total. We live in the city and he hates the city. We have a house in the country as well, about 2 hours away. He and my father in law are running a very small business (deer hunting) out of our place in the country. Therefore he has an excuse every weekend to be there. However, customers are only there from about October-January, but year round there is always "work" to do. If it's not that, then he is wanting to do his own hunting and go to his own deer lease. He's an avid hunter and fisherman. When he goes to our place in the country to work, and when he goes to hunt himself at the deer lease, his father goes too. I do not like going when my father in law goes. It's uncomfortable. His father is nice I guess, but he's old fashioned so his idea of a woman is to cook and clean and take care of the kids. Needless to say, that's why I don't go. I'm not going to cook and clean for them. This means I am at home without my husband every weekend. One weekend out of the month he stays home because he has to work on Saturday. I could go do something then, but I would have to go without him and that doesn't feel too great either. So we sit at home and do nothing. Other than that one weekend though, anything I have to do on the weekend is on the back burner. He simply tells me he's going, no room for discussion. I could put up a bigger fight but we fight so dirty that I keep everything in to avoid it. Yeah, real healthy, I know. I stay angry. I got on meds and they don't help. I know it's because the problem is still not resolved. Granted, my husband does often take one of the kids with him. He has taken both when I told him he absolutely had to. But the thing that keeps me so upset is just that I'm not allowed a life. All I ever think is that if we were divorced, I would get 2 weekends a month to myself. Of course I love my kids so that has nothing to do with it. I don't want to divorce my husband, nor would I want my kids to have their parents separated. It's just a point I'm making. And how true it is. I can't wait to bring it up to him. He tells me to find a hobby, but how can I? I can't do anything with the kids around. I love going out to watch my best friends band play, cutting loose and being with all my friends. We are close friends with a few couples that we love dearly, plus I have many single girlfriends that I've been friends with since elementary school and junior high. I would love to be able to go out with them more often. It feels so good to get a break. I feel so refreshed. But for the last year it has begun to feel more an more like my Fridays and Saturdays, that I used to love, are just another Monday or Tuesday. I have nothing to look forward to, and neither do the kids. We're stuck in the house most of the time, and when we do go somewhere I go during the week when it's not so crowded. The other thing is that apparently no one in our family cares to see our kids. That's how I feel anyway. It makes me cry. Otherwise I'd have a sitter. Both of our parents live within minutes, including both of our sisters. I think my parents just don't want to, but his mom is taken advantage of by his sister terribly, and busy watching her kids every weekend, so she's always burned out. My sister is a bit dysfunctional, and his sister is always dumping her kids of with my mother in law. I just feel so trapped and desperate and I just want to get some breaks! I feel like I'm going crazy, but I know by talking to him will not change anything. What should I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 2:37pm

Welcome to the board mnkmomof2,


You could take your kids to the park or somewhere during the week to get out of the house. Plus I would imagine your kids would like to go explore the house in the country. Just don't hang around your father-in-law or ask your husband if he can not come so you can have spend quality time together. You could also get a babysitter if you want to go out sometimes. Ask your friends who they use.


Would your husband be willing to go to marriage counseling with you? Does he think there is a problem with your marriage?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 3:12pm

Thanks for your reply. I take the kids places during the week so they aren't so cooped up. They do love going to the country, it's a blast for them. Also, my husband has told his father/parents that we just want to go without him/them. The only problem is that the country home is half my in-laws, so my husband feels "bad" asking them if we can have a weekend alone. My father in law hates being in the city just as much as my husband and they are best friends so all of these things combined make it virtually impossible. No, my husband won't go to counseling. I've asked before and he knows he's selfish so he doesn't want to have to give anything up. I do wonder if he would ever appreciate what he's got if he almost lost it. :(

Since I wrote my message I've thought of an idea. I'm thinking about telling my husband when he gets home, that from now on the weekends he's home (because he has to work) are from now on going to be my personal weekends. I know that probably won't help seal the gap that's already between us, but he doesn't seem to consider my feelings when he's staring at the kids and I out of his rear view mirror every Friday afternoon. Why should I sacrifice my happiness? Our unhappiness is our children's unhappiness, and they are the real priority here. I spend all my time with my children so I know it will be a good thing if mommy gets a break more often. The only thing that doesn't work so well is that on those "me" weekends, I know I want to be with my husband. But if he wants to go he'll have to find the sitter. (By the way, he's a big homebody when he's home....isn't social at all, unlike myself.) He's just a big ole country boy. Granted I love being in the country too! I love experiencing that country life with our children, that is so opposite of life in the city. We've gone with our friends and their 2 kids once, and that was really fun. Twice we have taken other couples with us for adults only weekends. I also took a bunch of my girlfriends down there twice for what we call our "annual girls weekend". I love being in the country...but it causes a lot of resentment when you get nothing in return. I've even done so much as pick up deer hunting to have that closeness with my husband. In the 13 years I've been with him, he has rarely done anything to find closeness with me. I do think he loves me. In fact, I know he does. He is just so extremely selfish. I wonder if maybe it's time for me to be a little selfish too.

Am I going in the totally wrong direction on this?? Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 3:47pm

Is it possible for you to move out to the country?


I can understand your desire to have more time to yourself. I do, however, thing you and your husband need to find a way to bridge the gap that is growing between the two of you before it is too late. Can you get a babysitter during the week so you can have some weekends with your husband when he is home?


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