Coworker issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Coworker issues
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 2:51pm

Didn't know what other board to post this on.... this is a different issue from my relationship issue... and if there is another board, feel free to recommend.

So, here's the issue.... I have this coworker on my team and i think he's been giving me the silent treatment (or the brush off). I don't know what i've done (if anything). A couple months ago, we were strong allies at work... but now when i need to talk to him, he gives me a "why are you bothering me look". The first time I noticed it, i said something to him.  "What's witht he death stare?" His reply was "death stare, really? you are reading it wrong." ...essentially he was saying he had not "look". He is known to be moody and I thought the best thing was to just let it go ... his mood would change eventually.

But he proceed to do more brush off behaviors (or am I paranoid, cuz i dont' know what to think).

A while back, before he was on my team... he had a LOT of negative things to say about his other team leaders. And when he made generalized statements, i'd say, i dont do that. He's say, i dont' mean you, i mean the other team leaders. I told him i thought he deserved to be a team leader. Then, he rotated onto my team. I thought things were going to be great. We think a lot alike, being on the same team should be a benefit. But that's when i noticed his "brush off" behavior starting. My supervisor warned me that this could happen... because of his pride, he doesn't like being corrected or he thinks he can do a better job. So, when before it felt like we were working together, now it feels like he resents me and tries to ignore me.

what should i do? nothing? I've thought of confronting him but what if i'm wrong. he'll say to me, "really, you're reading things wrong" again. I'm trying to act normal ... i just feel like something is in the air.

what do i think it could be.... i think it could be when i was honest with him on a couple issues. when he complained about the other team leaders, i said he needs to take the high road. that if he has something to say, he needs to say it with respect. (he felt differently, he said, "i'm done" with team leaders)

then when he gave a negative report about someone else on my team, i told him i felt he was being too hard on her. i didn't see the bad behaviour and his reply was basically that i was not being observant. Then he made fun of all my lists and how i ran my team meetings.

for the longest time i didn't care. and i'm trying to rise above his blow offs.... but should i be doing something different? should i talk to my boss or let it go. i have a feeling when he rotates off my team again, things will go back to normal.




Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 3:08pm
I would only say something to your supervisor if you feel his behavior is creating a hostile work environment. I guess if he is known as moody throughout the office, then at least you know it is not you specifically. You can just wait for the rotation. I really don't know what you could do different. I don't think its good to have to tip toe around someone, you should be able to express your opinions regarding work issues and you did that to him. So again, I would only report his behaviors if it prevents you from effectively doing your job, where it becomes difficult to impossible to work or talk with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 5:27pm

he sounds like a narcissist to me..he will not change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 12:39pm

Thank you for your insight... it didn't seem right to me. But I wasn't sure how to handle it.

"I would come right out and tell him to quit gaslighting you and if he has a problem to state his case; otherwise, the moodiness and negative remarks about coworkers must stop."

Ya know.. I did do this at the very beginning when he moved to my team. I openly asked him if there was something he thought I should be doing that I wasn't as a team leader. OR something i was doing that I should stop. I gave him permission to speak honestly... but he was silent. That was a couple months ago, and at that time, i really thought his mood would lighten up. But it has gotten slightly worse over time... and I began blaming myself. Was i a bad team leader that i had disappointed him.

Again, thanks for the insight. I got word that he very well could be getting that promotion at the end of the year. Hope that helps things... idk.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 1:42pm
i looked up "gaslighting"... wow, very informative. Thanks.