Coworker relationship-anyone faced this
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 05-12-2008 - 1:15pm |
A coworker who is helping me manage a project from another location has told me he feels we are having a relationship and I need help tacking this issue because it is unclear what his purpose is.
The way we started interacting was via phone where he had some knowledge which I needed to understand. That worked well. During that part of the project I discussed with him that I would need great communication and partnership from his side as a peer otherwise the project was too risky to take on. He agreed. The project was approved and I was assigned as the manager of the project while he was on vacation. Since he returned he was not really cooperative e.g. missing meetings, etc. However he did do half of the things in his plate well. The other half he didn't make an honest effort to do however they were a bit difficult. I have visited his location 3 times and met with him during these visits. We have never had met outside the work setting except to travel together for business meetings. On these occasions, nothing romantic in nature has come up. I had a feeling when I last visited his office that he looked me up and down and checked me out for 2 seconds and then trying to figure out my earring behind my hair. On our flight back to work after several segments he did not show up and later emailed me that he had missed it. I think he is sleeping with a coworker from his community in another location as well because I noticed their behavior when she joined us on one of the segments.
Because of the difficulty in setting up meetings with him on need basis I had set up a weekly meeting with him to discuss open issues pertaining to his area. Recently my manager told me that he has told him that he wouldn't want to work with me in future because of my management style. He suggested I talk to my coworker about it. I feel he must have said something quite negative. However when I asked him about it he said he said no such thing and that he enjoys working with me he was giving constructive feedback. Since the above conversation every time we have a scheduled weekly meeting he sends me an email asking me to list the issues to be discussed in an email so he can answer and won't attend meetings saying "don't you think we are spending too much time together on the phone" and that he feels this has become a "relationship" and he wants a "divorce".
The project is at a crucial stage and in my opinion if I tell anyone in my management team about it it will become a big issue in an already complex project because the managers are not very supportive types: it's a matrixed organization. I am relatively new to the company and don't want all the hard work put in by the team and I to be frittered away because of this if it can be avoided but I don't want to be trapped because I am blameless.
I feel confused. What does this guy want and what is he trying to do? I don't know if this guy is out to create trouble for me. We are in different divisions and have different management lines all the way up. Poor communication makes it hard for me to manage a project remotely. HELP! What should I do?

Pages
Welcome to the board miaswork,
Try emailing your coworker and asking him what exacly he meant. Tell him to you don't feel it is anything besides a work relationship and that you are simply trying to get your job done and ask him what he feels the answer to the problem is.
glitter-graphics.com
glitter-graphics.com
You're going to have to find a way to manage him, from a business point of view.
wo! your advice was so matter of fact and straightforward I feel uplifted instantly. the only thing i should have mentioned is that because of his giving me a hard time on meeting attendance and simple matters couple of time my eyes filled up with tears. unfortunately i get emotional even at work. i felt such a breach of trust after he had basically agreed to great communication etc before i took on this complicated project and then did not follow through. i didn't feel like running to my management complaining because that would make me look like such an ass and then look what he did:
During the last meeting reminder I sent he also responded with "No one has been so excited to speak with me before". I replied "You misunderstood, this is about work". I find this a bit out of line. I don't want him to be making such comments willy nilly :-(
I'm glad it helped you.
O God no. But this is not just this particular person, male / female / dog / whatever. And it's not just breach of trust. I felt it humiliating the way this fellow brazenly failed to attend the meetings leading to wasted time & communication. Internally I also felt quite furious.
Crying is unprofessional I guess. I easily show happiness or close to crying in unexpected situations :-( What to do! I am in my mid thirties and I can't help acting silly like that :-(. What if I can't change :-(. I feel so embarrased.
You said something about him brazenly failing to attend meetings.
Yes I'm going to make very sure I make full use of email going forward. My work team is similar to yours. He is basically representing a group which is an internal business partner. I hold weekly team meeting as well as one on ones with each and every one on the team and no one else has had anything but positive things to say. They usually don't last more than 20 minutes, covering details of each area. Everyone is aware of how the effort is being managed. As for this guy as I said he has done half the things on his plate and given me a very hard time on the rest. Basically he will do it if he feels like. I needed help managing some junior employees at his site and he even refused to play a basic role there.
The reason email is not very effective on this effort is because as I said these people are part business partners part team members. So 1-2 emails can be exchanged on an issue. Then if there is a disagreement that leads to a series of unproductive and wasteful email communication going nowhere. At that point there is a need to setup a phone meeting but - you guessed it - it will be *very hard* to get this person on the phone or an acceptance of the meeting. To pre empt such unproductive cycles I have setup the one on ones with each team member and it has been working great until 2-3 weeks ago when I attempted to discuss with him what he had shared with my manager :-(
Secondly my team actually avoids creating an email trail as far as possible on business issue details to avoid their misinterpretation until the steps are formalized and then we usually put it in an email.
However I think there is no option at this point but as much clarity and transparency as possible as you have rightly suggested. I feel quite confident now having exchanged some information and ideas with you ... I feel I can do a lot better than what has transpired so far. Anyways the project is quite close to completion now.
Pages