Creating trust again - without much time
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| Wed, 10-15-2008 - 7:50pm |
As most of you here probably I need help. And I need it soon.
I have been with my current partner for 6 stormy months. Love is not an issue - we love each other more than I ever thought was possible. Here's the thing though:
I have been married in the past and it is haunting me now. It adds all sorts of restrictions to my current relationship and I hate it. Early on I had promised my partner that I will tell her whenever I have contact with my ex (SMS, email) about anything. I failed to do that a few times because ... well it doesn't really matter. To make it worse about 3 months ago I uploaded a batch of old pictures of my past (my ex, my cat) onto flickr in a private section. My partner had asked me to get rid of anything to do with my ex - but a momentary lapse of faith in our future made me back up photos I shouldn't have kept. It was stupid and was only because I don't have any old photos of when I was younger and somehow I didn't just want to throw out everything at this very moment. It was a stupid stupid thing to do and I forgot all about it until last night when she suddenly stumbled over them.
So - long story short: I have made mistakes in the past that undermine my credibility. Every time I promised that nothing would ever happen again. I absolutely adore her and never meant to disrespect her - even if my actions show otherwise. I cannot ask for another chance when I have done it a few times already promising to never withhold anything again.
Her heart is broken and she says she can't do this anymore. I know she still loves me and I know I can make her happy. I need to make a strong statement about how serious I am about being completely honest and open. I need a strong statement that shows her that she is safe and I would do absolutely everything. Because I would. She already has (and have had for months) access to absolutely everything (accounts, email, online accounts etc). This is not a random relationship - I'm old enough and through enough to know when I have met "the one".
I need help!

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Just because the two of you love each other does not mean that you are ready for a new relationship. The fact that this has been stormy from the get-go is a big red flag.
Give yourself a break. Keeping old photos is not a crime. It represents a big part of you and your past and I don't understand when people ask others to throw them away.
"Just because the two of you love each other does not mean that you are ready for a new relationship. The fact that this has been stormy from the get-go is a big red flag."
I know. The timing was always off. But if you meet the right person you just know. I know because I have been married to the wrong person before. I could never forgive myself for not trying. I cannot and will not force her into anything. But in good times we both always knew we were meant for each other. I have enough experience to know that this feeling is true.
I failed to mention contact which was about organizational things because I didn't want my ex to come up in our day-to-day life. I couldn't overcome my reluctance to fulfill my partners wish.
"What mistakes."
The photos and the fact that I didn't mention contact every time. And the photos are a big deal even for me. I don't know what I was thinking. I knew how important it was for my partner.
"Give yourself a break."
This is not about me. It's about me giving her something to believe in. Something that makes her feel like she won't be heart-broken again.
You are looking for a hook or an angle to use to maintain this relationship.
I appreciate your open opinion and I had expected something like this. I'm not looking for a shortcut or expect others to solve my problems. I just want to get ideas from things you guys bring up. And I don't expect it to be a quick-fix but I need to do something now.
You know ... you could pretty much be her. You paraphrase what she must feel. I admit that I have never been good in putting somebody else first. Since I met her I suddenly know what it means. I'm far away from perfect but except in very few moments where I struggle with my own anxiety she always came first. These few moments however is what "speaks volumes". I just feel it's an incorrect representation of my feelings and priorities in general.
I have no intention about living lies. I started our relationship by telling her everything she needed to know about my past - things that could have chased her away - because I wanted a truly honest relationship. She has full visibility of absolutely everything I have or do - not to be supervised or controlled but because I want. And I can't follow how lies ever feels like power. But that's a different story.
The photos are (obviously) deleted and I don't care. I care about giving her the feeling of trust again and making her happy.
I really appreciate your input - you choose your words wisely. I am ready. I am. It took me a while to change my ways but I have changed. But how to prove it to her?
I think the only way to prove your intentions is to live life as close to your intentions as possible.
She too is action-oriented. I am intention-oriented - i.e. if I can understand the "why" then I get over things very easily. But you're right, it has to work for her and that's why I'm looking for actions. Something that proves I'm on the right track ... the right track for her comfort.
Your SO sounds so much like me ... or better how I used to be. I expend energy and creativity to solve the "big things" and lose touch of the little things ... the little things that really matter. I think quite often it's a "man" thing - wanting to solve everything rather than just going through things with a partner.
We had a lot of these conversations already and we are very compatible. I think our biggest issue is outlined in the paragraph above - me wanting to "fix" things and losing touch of her needs.
Your thoughts make a lot of sense to me and I can see we're in similar things - from different perspectives. I can only hope it's not too late for me and I wish you the best and that your man understands this before it's too late for you guys.
Whatever you decide to do..it has to resonate trust.
>>I think our biggest issue is outlined in the paragraph above - me wanting to "fix" things and losing touch of her needs.<<
I think it's admirable that you're trying to be aware of her needs.
Why not have a mature small talk with her and ask her directly about what she would like you to do or say that will make her trust again as you want to be with her for sure.Plain ,simple ,honest talk.Its possible that what you believe is important for her may not be and you end up doing more wrong.If you are old and mature enough then you would know that this is not begging in front of her or giving her the power.its about being true to your intentions in regards to your rship with her and maybe just saying this is enough for her to give you another chance! and if its so, you will have lots of opportunities to prove that you are trustworthy.
Welcome to the board makahio,
Did I miss something - what's the reason for contact with the ex? - Kids, property, friendship, keeping the relationship in the wings just in case?
We
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